Monday, January 15, 2018

This Is Not A Drill...

One of my favorite culture designations is that we're a "microwave popcorn society." The term was coined to delineate a large segment of those who want everything right NOW. I use the microwave popcorn term to indicate that everyone in society is like that dick, Bradley, who burns microwave popcorn in the third floor break room after reheating his leftover fucking sea bass and Brussels sprouts.
   Nonetheless, we are a bit of a troublesome sort it seems-- right down to the Twitter account.
   Because there is a shortage of urgent items in the world to worry about, millions of Twitterverse folks (we'll just call them dildos) became distraught by being shackled within the horrifying confines of 140 characters. Because no one thought to send two tweets, the people have spoken...They demand 280 in one package!
   My first thought on this topic is that I personally wish to become a violent murder statistic. The bright side of lengthy tweets blowing in the wind presents a unique opportunity in using the additional 140 to retrospectively explain whatever you shitily attempted to express initially. I'm not even certain if shitily is a word because no one thought to ask Santa Claus for something more useful on Twitter, such as spellchecker (also not a real word.)
   It occurs to me that 140 characters seems to get people into enough trouble as it is--If you don't believe me, "follow" Miley Cyrus on Twitter.
   How can one cause more trouble armed with 280 characters you might wonder?  (Donald Trump doesn't count...too easy.) Since I'm a stable genius, let's take a look at 140 vs 280 and potential trouble therein...

"This is the emergency alert system serving Oahu and Honolulu county including surrounding islands, Kaua'i, Moloka'i, Maui niih'i and Hawai'i. Emergency updates and official instructions will follow on this feed via local radio, television and social media platforms. Incomi..." (begin Twitter character #141...here)
"...Incoming ballistic missile threat to Hawai'i IMMINENT. This is not a drill. A missile strike may impact land or sea in Hawai'i in minutes. Seek shelter immediately. This is NOT a drill. Repeat, this is not a dri..."

   I'd feel much more comfortable if the emergency alert system didn't run short on Twitter characters in order to confirm my imminent demise. I want to read about it as though it were a romantic comedy. But, then again, how many characters does one require within seconds before bursting into vaporized nuclear dust?

From: @James Patrick
" Hey @Amanda37: I'm at work, can you swing by my house? I think I left the oven on. thx."
   For those who counted the number of characters in these tweets...you clearly need to get laid.

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