Sunday, September 25, 2016

My Johnson Feels The Bern

...And our final in the series of "Open Letters" to the candidates.
Dear Gary Johnson,
I like your slogan and can happily inform you that I did, indeed, feel the Johnson between 915a and 930am.  I allowed my friend, Leigh, to feel it from 11p and 1140pm in the interest of Reagan's supply side economics policy. The first time was rather anticlimactic as I suspect the Fox reboot of Lethal Weapon will be.
    Hey, did you hear anything about a poison bowl of Skittles going around?  I heard something about it from Donald Junior's Twitter page. 
    I'm amazed by how notable celebrity types can put their foot in the mouth at 140 or less characters.  It usually takes five or six-hundred words for me to accomplish such a feat.
    Anyway, on to my real question...Who ARE you?
    I saw your interview segment on 60 Minutes but I honestly thought it was a sketch from the Daily Show.
(I'll pause here for our readers to YouTube it)
    This is what people in my line of business call making the reader work for the joke punchline.  It's how we weed out the lazy people.
    Anyway, I hope that they reconsider and allow you to join the debates, mainly because I'd like to hear you tell Hill an Don to feel the Johnson. THAT'S reality TV.  Plus I've seen The Trump show (guest starring Hillary) program for over a year and it could be fun spicing it up like television network executives often evidenced by bringing Jada Pinkett Smith back from the dead on Gotham.
    I also think it would be fun if they provided firearms to each candidate AND the moderator.  My money is on Lester Holt. Nothing against Anderson Cooper or anything.
   Good luck Gary.  By the way, could you just forward this to candidate Jill Stein?  I'm on a bit of a tight deadline.
James Patrick

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Monday, September 19, 2016

Climbing The HILLary
Cough on some babies, shake some hands and dig in for part two in our series of open letters to the candidates. 
    I saw a poll which indicated that if the election were held today, Donald Trump holds a slight lead over Hillary Clinton.  
    My extrapolation of these poll numbers is that if the election were held today it would be the first time in history that a presidential election has been held in or minus 3 points, of course.

Dear Hillary,
I'm writing to see if you dislike The Falcons as much as me. Understanding that you need Georgia, I know that you can't answer that question.                    
    Also, I'm checking to see if you need anything. Clearly you want my vote but I was thinking more along the lines of something from Walgreens-- where the savings NEVER end-- 
    This week's specials include: chicken soup, a neti pot, a new VP running mate, a "Basket of Deplorables" and Gummie Worms. I hear Bernie is still available by the way but, according to him, he's not for sale. 
    You might try CVS Health/Pharmacy-- they have an impressive corporate health care business model-- they'll still charge $8,000 for a prescription BUT, they no longer sell cigarettes.          
    They'll also sell a bag of Cheetos, beer, 9-thousand calorie snack cakes and a box of wine...But, a wine drenched night never hurt anyone...unless you were on a date with Ted Kennedy.  
    By the way, according to the corporate website, CVS Pharmacy is "...Fighting Opioid Abuse With Technology."
    I assume this means that they're using armed drones like Arnold Schwarzenegger from the future to kill the street dealers plying their trade three blocks from my house.
    I, as Bernie pointed out, am tired of hearing about the emails...primarily because the "Cloud" photo hack produced many more things of interest to me... such as nude photos of Jennifer Lawrence.
    I've enjoyed watching the political process in action throughout the summer since my favorite programs were airing reruns and, no matter how this thing turns out in November for either you or your opponent, I hold great, unwavering faith in our political process.
James Patrick
Paraiso, Costa Rica

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Wednesday, September 14, 2016


Part One of our "open letters" to the candidates will hopefully open a thoughtful dialogue to enlighten, calm your nerves me on some sort of FBI watch list.  First up...
P.O. Box Fabulous
Giant Gold Tower, Ny,Ny 
    Dear Mr. Trump
First of all, congratulations on your "...truly, excellent, amazingly phenomenal, Must See TV, make you want to blow up a country and then eat a steak, best ever recorded in the history of the world, make your head spin" health report. You must sleep in a bed made from kale and Emergen-C with a B-12 throw pillow.
    Actually, your doctor seems much cooler than mine; even though my health is good, my doc never misses an opportunity to lecture me on small items such as: Everything. 
    I’m at my ideal weight and live a fairly healthy lifestyle-- with the exception of drinking, smoking, walking through bad neighborhoods at 2am, girlfriend selections, eating fried chicken, running with scissors, insulting a 230lb drunk obnoxious guy and flirting with the doc's daughter (who happens to be the receptionist.) 
    I had a taco salad for lunch today however which, I feel, offsets any unhealthy choices. 
    I substitute lettuce with spinach...and a five pound lobster. Either way, they're all harvested by migrant workers.
    My doctor is Asian and she's worried about some of your proposals...specifically, all of them. I calmed her nerves by assuring that she and her daughter would likely be deported and/or executed.
    The doc DID inform that cialis was not right for me...which I took as a compliment.
    I like your commanding use of adjectives-- they add a level of excitement-- So I came up with a few of my own that you may feel free to use:
Strategery (wait, that's taken)
**(oops, that's likely an upcoming immigration policy moniker so we'll toss that one into the noun classification.)'re gonna love lobbing this adjective...
    It's a morph of shit and, well, you get the picture.
    I'm writing on behalf of myself and our staff of unbiased, Facebook worshipping, sexually promiscuous non-partisan, undecided voters who desire some clarification, such as confirming that the 2016 campaign isn't a Lorne Michaels/Robert Smigel SNL film short.     
    I'm hoping that this letter finds you phenomenally, extraordinarily well.
    By the way, I once dined at a restaurant in one of your casinos...
It was "Trumptious."
James Patrick, et al

copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016. All Rights Reserved