Part One of our "open letters" to the candidates will hopefully open a thoughtful dialogue to enlighten, calm your nerves and...land me on some sort of FBI watch list. First up...
P.O. Box Fabulous
Giant Gold Tower, Ny,Ny
Dear Mr. Trump
First of all, congratulations on your "...truly, excellent, amazingly phenomenal, Must See TV, make you want to blow up a country and then eat a steak, best ever recorded in the history of the world, make your head spin" health report. You must sleep in a bed made from kale and Emergen-C with a B-12 throw pillow.
Actually, your doctor seems much cooler than mine; even though my health is good, my doc never misses an opportunity to lecture me on small items such as: Everything.
I’m at my ideal weight and live a fairly healthy lifestyle-- with the exception of drinking, smoking, walking through bad neighborhoods at 2am, girlfriend selections, eating fried chicken, running with scissors, insulting a 230lb drunk obnoxious guy and flirting with the doc's daughter (who happens to be the receptionist.)
I had a taco salad for lunch today however which, I feel, offsets any unhealthy choices.
I substitute lettuce with spinach...and a five pound lobster. Either way, they're all harvested by migrant workers.
My doctor is Asian and she's worried about some of your proposals...specifically, all of them. I calmed her nerves by assuring that she and her daughter would likely be deported and/or executed.
The doc DID inform that cialis was not right for me...which I took as a compliment.
I like your commanding use of adjectives-- they add a level of excitement-- So I came up with a few of my own that you may feel free to use:
SpecTrumpular
Ivankalicious
Strategery (wait, that's taken)
MexiCant*
**(oops, that's likely an upcoming immigration policy moniker so we'll toss that one into the noun classification.) And...you're gonna love lobbing this adjective...
"Shillary"
It's a morph of shit and, well, you get the picture.
I'm writing on behalf of myself and our staff of unbiased, Facebook worshipping, sexually promiscuous non-partisan, undecided voters who desire some clarification, such as confirming that the 2016 campaign isn't a Lorne Michaels/Robert Smigel SNL film short.
I'm hoping that this letter finds you phenomenally, extraordinarily well.
By the way, I once dined at a restaurant in one of your casinos...
It was "Trumptious."
Regards,
James Patrick, et al
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016. All Rights Reserved
