Sunday, June 23, 2013

Truisms Or Dare

Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
-Mark Twain

This is a little piece that I will call a "transition story arc." Mike, the editor, will call it a rant. The saving grace, in my mind, is that I often couldn't care less what Mike thinks. So, it evens out.

Our friends at Webster's online define truism as:

Adjective: an undoubted or self-evident truth; especially: one too obvious for mention

Note to our fun-loving college kids who are perfectly happy with being "C" students: 

When doing research papers after 17-thousand shots of Jameson, you'll be happy to know that the brain trust at Wikipedia label Truism as a NOUN. 

I suppose I shall name my next pet "Truism" and then do a shot. Feels like college all over again!

I know a gentleman who uttered something that truly offended today.  In the interest of protecting his identity, we will call him Steve...primarily because his real name is Stephen.  Granted, it's quite hard to offend me but Stephen, I mean, Steve did.

An important scad of background on this guy includes the following:

  1. He's a genuinely kind individual
  2. He's been through a volatile relationship, which is on the mend
  3. The relationship turned south due to his significant other abusing alcohol
  4. He's a homosexual
He, I and two other mutual friends were sitting in front of a restaurant where they work, waiting to go on a quick grocery store outing, when he dispersed several epithets toward a young woman with whom he works.  Granted, SHE couldn't hear his foolish words from the car, but he needlessly uttered them anyway.

By all accounts, these two get along at work, they work well together and there's zero animosity between them. She's also well liked around the neighborhood and seems to be a kind soul.  Steve just felt it appropriate to repeatedly call her "fatty" behind her back.

I've written a great deal of inappropriate humor, sometimes at the expense of others. But my regular readers know that I NEVER poke fun at Hispanics, they seem to be able to handle that all on their own. If you don't believe me, visit a Latino bar sometime. Plus, I'm having new sheet rock hung next week and I don't want to piss them off.

I also don't tell "fatty" jokes...primarily because there's not enough room on a typical laptop screen. And I don't poke fun at or perpetuate stereotypes toward young African American men...because I don't want to get shot and/or carjacked.

Aaahh HA! See where I'm going with this? I'm not a bleeding heart left-winger, primarily because I don't want to anger Sean Hannity. I DO, however, judge those who arbitrarily judge books and covers. I've read lots of books and peeked past many covers. If you don't make this a regular life routine, try it might be pleasantly surprised.

With all silliness aside, I wondered how in the world that a 50-year old gay man, who grew up in a society steeped in judgemental attitudes toward HIS lifestyle could possibly lob such comments toward a person who I know to be a hard working, sweet and caring individual.

So, I called on my good friend, and Pontchartrain Press' chief story research manager, Eric for some background studies on hurtful words and their implications upon society.

Eric does good work but, sometimes when sending his findings back to me, goes off in unrelated directions. I eventually tend to get the info I need...and some info that is, decidedly, not needed.

Jim: I'm doing a quick piece on a 50-year old gay man who works with a very nice young woman. Not realizing that I am also friends with her, he repeatedly called her "fatty" behind her back. I waited to call him out when we were one on one, but I want to write about this. Any research you can find that would help the story along would be great!

Eric: Is this one of those SAT math word problems? 

Jim: Can you please do some research before I book a flight to Philly and kill you?

Eric: There was a study a few years ago about the MOST offensive words in the English language.

As it turns out, the top four (in order from most to least) were:


Jim: Thanks for your help. See ya' soon

Eric: I was surprised that F*ck wasn't on the list but even MORE shocked that FAT was number one!

Think about this...every girl thinks she's fat...even if she isn't. Call a girl fat and she'll stab you in the balls.

At any rate, it explains why my old band, "The Fat Nigg*r Nazi Cun*s" never made it big.

Jim: Interesting. I'm gonna get back to writing. Thanks again for the research.


Eric: Unrelated, but I f*cked two girls named Ginger this week. They may not have souls, but they got PLENTY of DNA.

Jim: Are you clinically insane?

Eric: Perhaps. The one Ginger was a blast. She liked to be abused and verbally degraded. I let off 20-years of pent up aggression on her and she has been begging for more ever since. She's such a filthy whore...and she's not fat. I think I'm in love.

Well, I can always count on Eric to provide more than enough background research on a story. Plus, our communications remind me precisely why I do not accept dating advice from him.

So as not to cast a stone from my own glass house, yes, I have slung unfair, judgemental commentary toward and about others...and I feel absolutely horrible about it...with the exception of everything I've said or written about the band Nickelback. Simply dreadful music.

People will always make fun of, ridicule and degrade other a society, they always have and, likely, always will. Just watch an episode of The Voice or Chef Gordon Ramsay.

As for myself, I'm having a nice dinner with the young woman in question right now while looking across the table, keeping a hurtful secret about her co-worker. I'm also, oddly, wondering what having crazy sexual escapades with TWO Gingers in one week must feel like...but I'm not about to text Eric again for the answer.

With that said...I like to lob more educated insults toward those who deserve it:

Webster's Online Dictionary

dick; (dik) noun; Slang for detective

Adjective: derogatory term for penis

Noun; Shortened name for Richard

Noun; Glen Beck,  Bill O'Reilly, Jim's boss, Al Gore

Real world: a label for a narrow minded asshole who should be ashamed of himself. (that one came from the Jim Patrick dictionary)

copyright Pontchartrain Press 2013

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Pulling The Wings Off Of (OK) Cupid

...or, there's a reason it's just "okay"

     One of my close friends, Marie, who also happens to be a senior writer at Pontchartrain Press, recently had a little too much time on her hands. She, typically, has free time because she's constantly beating her deadlines in order to kiss Mike, the editor's, ass.  At least that's what I suspect.  

So,She decided to pass some time by engaging in a little small-talk with a young man on a popular dating website.  And now...Here's Marie's attempt at dating: 

While I never visit these sites, occasionally, I do get e-mail notifications from OKCupid telling me that "someone has checked me out" Translation: visited my profile or that the site has new matches for me.**

**new members that seem to fit some criteria that makes them a recommended date.  In my case, probably a serial killer and/or suicidal.

Today, the subject line was "Someone has chosen you!"

The text of the e-mail had a picture, screen name (SkinnyPaleGuy), and the following insight:

"He's totally into you! Go send him a message. You got this email because he rated you 4 or 5 stars."


How was I to resist?
I went to his profile, where I learned that:

  •  He doesn't use capitalization
  • Is admittedly shallow
  • And, likes using uncomfortable truths to make people squirm
His profile also indicated that he "replies often" to e-mails and was only interested in women.  Unless you're a guy that looks like Chris Corner of Sneaker Pimps...then we can definitely talk".


He also included a mirror self-pic of his bare chest and stomach with the caption:
"i admit the torso pic is pretty douchey, but you have to be a little bit of a douche to use a dating site in the first place so whatever. i'm not above it. i'm not really above much of anything, for that matter. i'm a shameless human being".
HOW could I possibly resist having some fun with this guy after reading his tag line??
Marie- I am writing to test your "replies often" status. And also, because the site told me too.  Plus, I'm just a sheep that does whatever the Internet tells me to do.
Oh, and because the site tells me that you rated me "4 or 5" stars. I didn't realize that my profile could be graded like a restaurant review; so now I have to know: was it 4 or 5? And why is this site so vague about it? I mean it was EITHER 4 or 5. Why not tell me which?
For the record, I am sending this message before looking at the torso pic that you mention in your profile. I'm putting off viewing your, admitted, douchery until I see if you really DO "reply often".
SkinnyPaleGuy- yes, i really do reply often! i'll admit, sometimes i'm tempted to ignore a few messages just so i can get one of those snobby elitist "very selectively" tags. i bet there are actually women out there who won't date a guy if he doesn't have one of those. like, she thinks "i'm not dating a guy who 'replies often'" ya know? but i just can't bring myself to ignore someone
as for the rating, i gave you five stars. what i do is, i just go to the "quickmatch" thingy and just keep hitting five stars over and over again without even looking at the pictures or reading anything. it's like casting out a huge dragnet of mass-market dating!
it's actually a pretty effective strategy. i've been fucking like three or four women per day on average
i bet you wonder if i'm kidding or serious lol
Marie-, I feel very confident that you're kidding. If it were true, you wouldn't have time to "reply often".
SkinnyPaleGuy - well, your confidence is misplaced because i am totally serious lmfao!
and yes, time is my number one enemy. there never seems to be enough of it (or enough condoms)
so... wanna have sex?
Marie - In general, or do you mean with you, specifically?
SkinnyPaleGuy - lmfao! perfect response :D
i like you
Marie - Thanks. And thanks for pulling your dick out of someone long enough to provide a timely response to an email.
And, for the record, I have a post-slutty-phase philosophy to which I strictly adhere. I don't sleep with anyone I don't like, or who doesn't like me...Or who doesn't respond to emails in a timely fashion. So things are looking good for you.
I'm not trying to be coy or hard-to-get...because I am neither of those things. I'm just old and wise. Oh, and I have a very complicated schedule, one which requires thoughtful planning and may interfere with you fucking all of the women, or that one guy from that band you mentioned.
SkinnyPaleGuy - no pulling out was necessary. this is my "down time," hence why i'm on okcupid in the first place
i can work around a complicated schedule because there is no schedule more complicated than my own
i must warn you, my penis is habit forming
Marie - Yes, but your personality may be the first step in breaking the addiction. (See how I worked a "dick" reference in there? I'm good with the words if you notice)
SkinnyPaleGuy - what are you talking about? my personality is pure, distilled awesome sauce! i realize now that i should've ignored your message to earn my "very selectively" tag
now go check out my torso pic and see what you cheated yourself out of by being a mean jerk 

Realizing that this was a lost cause, while sincerely not wanting to be seen as "mean jerk", I made an attempt to apologize; An attempt that soon went south because sometimes there's just no stopping me once I start sinking.  This is something that my therapist calls:  "Self Destructive."  Whatever THAT means.

Marie - I've been known to be a bit TOO snarky in my attempts at witty repartee. Please don't take it personally. I'm sure that you have a lovely penis. Probably the BEST penis of all time.

The "More addictive than heroin, gonna have to get on methadone, someone-pull me out of the crack-gutter cause' I'm hooked on his jock most habit forming penis of all time.

Whew!!  Seriously. Congratulations on the nice genitals.

And there you have it.  My adventure in online dating and, apparently, the reason why I fail so miserably at it.

Post Script from Jim:  BRAVO Marie!  This is why you are so valued as a friend, a writer AND a woman with large breasts on the staff.  He should have seen YOUR torso pic.  His loss. 

Copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2013