Sunday, July 31, 2016

Weekend At Bernie's

We loaded Chief Pontchartrain contributor/dietary disaster into an overhead bin and dispatched him 3-thousand miles from the Pacific Northwest to cover the Democratic National Convention. Who better to cover an historic exercise in apathy than Eric from Philly...What could possibly go wrong?
Enjoy his journal entries documenting what I suspect has already appeared on WikiLeaks. 

5:45pm From: Eric
    I just saw a girl use her fingers to add two to a number in the airport store. Do people REALLY think it matters who the next president is? Trust me, we're all doomed-- no matter who gets elected.

6:48pm From: Eric
    Checkin' tinder to see if anyone is trying to join the mile high club. 
6:50pm From: Eric
    No Tinder Hookups yet but I hope they serve snacks on the plane; I only grabbed $46,000 worth of Gummy Bears from the airport store...also loaded up on shitty airport food so I could make the person sitting next to the bathroom wish they were dead for the next 3,000 miles. 
7:04pm From: Eric
    About to take off.  What's the aeronautics equivalent of road head? This old blue hair sitting next to me is giving me a look that says she's willing to take out the dentures.
    From: Eric 7:08pm
Enjoy my last words in case the plane crashes.
    From: Eric
Finally landed in Philly.
My mid-flight poop was so bad that they threatened to pull the plane over and make me get out; Also made friends with the flight attendant...
    From: Jim
How so?
    From: Eric
I informed her that "I have a cock, you have a pit. Whaddya say?"
Her: *pepper spray*
    Editor Note:
(no contact from Eric for three days now)
    From: Jim Patrick
Um...any convention update? 
    From: Eric
I bought some bacon socks near the convention and I watched a middle-aged man playing Pokemon Go in the subway-- Then I realized he's registered to vote...  Heading back to Oregon.
    And there you have it. Thanks Eric for continually reminding me of why a hostage negotiator has to talk me into getting out of bed each day. 
     In a nutshell, the convention highlights unfolded as follows:

WikiLeaks, apparently, finds hidden items more efficiently on a computer than virus scan...with exception to my ex-wife.

Sarah Silverman apparently is still alive. 

Donald Trump stayed on topic in his positive counter message, assuring that he plans to begin dating Vladimir Putin.

From his balcony perch, Bernie Sanders wore a facial expression indicating that he was either being held hostage or wished for a rescue helicopter.

Michelle Obama likely could get the nomination if "do-overs" were allowed at the DNC.

Elizabeth Warren is still very angry about something.

The first half of Bill Clinton's speech sounded like the plotline of Pretty In Pink.

Obama delivered an electrifying oration and engaged in an awkward hug with Hillary-- prompting many at the Fox News set to run hysterically as Sean Hannity's head literally exploded.

...and, Hillary made history by being the first female to be a female AND become a major party presidential candidate while being a female.
    And then they did the giant plague of locusts balloon drop just before informing Scott Baio that he could only appear at ONE convention.

copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016. All Rights Reserved.
ed. note: Our thanks to Micah Carper for his contribution to this story and our apologies to every airline employee who had contact with Eric Crowthers from Philly.

Sunday, July 24, 2016

Tossed Salad Dating Bleus

Twice each year when the highly skilled staff aren't failing at personal relationships they produce a list of website forums so that I might continue to disparage my family name. I then contemplate suicide after spending  a couple of weeks behaving like a sociopath online where I'm, ultimately, asked to leave the site...Then I go get quesadillas. 
   Enjoy the first of a two-part series as I spend time with (and we're not making this up) REAL dating websites...First up:
Here's their pitch...
    "We match couples based on their salad preferences:
    If you've ever been on a date with a potential partner and found yourself quickly losing interest after witnessing them order ranch over balsamic vinaigrette, you might be a candidate for Salad Match.       If you're interested in pursuing your *salad soulmate,* the site comes with a downloadable app to assist in your journey."

User Jim Patrick has entered:
User Jim: I've never considered embarking on a salad mate journey but, because SaladMatch has a downloadable app, who WOULDN'T be tempted?

Moderator: Welcome Jim!

User Jim: I'm so sick of amateur salad people.

Reply Nikki: I Like your profile pic. btw, what amateurs made u sick??

Jim: I hooked up with a girl who ordered a Gigi salad...with LETTUCE!

Reply Nikki: That's a bit picky don't u think?

Jim: We're on a salad match dating site...with a downloadable app. I'll give you a second to think about your question.

Reply Nikki: point taken.  What's your favorite salads?

Jim: I like to build my own.  Not at places like Golden Corral though...I'm afraid of Jeff Foxworthy-- and old people eating soft serve ice cream.

Reply Nikki: Ha! so where do you go??

Jim: I go to the grocery to build my own salad by the pound for the amazing low price of $27.00...the savings NEVER stop at the Winn Dixie! I also like Olive Garden because, as you know, there's the ENDLESS salad bowl...with bread sticks and families pretending to like one another on a Sunday afternoon while everyone else is doing fun stuff.

Reply Nikki: You like Olive Garden??

Jim: Only the parking lot at 3am. Long story from early 1997 with my friend Kassandra.

Reply Nikki: interesting. So, what's your favorite salad?

Jim: Probably potato...but, I'm curious about having my salad tossed actually...especially after looking it up on Urban Dictionary.

System Admin: User account temporarily suspended. Please contact us if you feel this action is in error.

    And so, I'm tossed from a site where I might have potentially met my roughage soulmate. I'm destined to a life of imitation bacon bits.

copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016. All Rights Reserved.

Sunday, July 10, 2016

To Do List..

From the "I wish that I were making this up" file: An email strand from a delightful guy at a content site to which we sometimes contribute--
To: Pontchartrain Press
From: Ken F.
You guys writing anything about the past week?
From: James Patrick 
From: Ken F.
From: James Patrick
Because, Ken, we make fun of stupid, funny things-- for instance-- this email string is an exemplary testament to that crazy business model.
From: Ken F.
People might still like to read some quirky/funny rambles from you guys to recount the week...maybe a pros & cons end of week wacky but sensible list showing bright moments?
From: Jim Patrick
I believe a large swath of the social media user brain trust have already inserted enough commentary, minus the sensible part in many cases, but, here goes, Ken: An end of week, wacky, list...
Tuna steaks
Romaine lettuce
Extra Sharp Cheddar
Blue cheese crumbles
Boars Head Turkey
Condoms (bright moment)
Bananas (wacky)
Advil (sensible)
Fifth of Stoli (necessary)
    Ken, I believe my grocery list makes for an excellent weekly submission for a period of days which were, decidedly, not funny.
    To summarize, as the "pros" go, you'll notice that I eat fairly healthy AND for once (in a loooong time) condoms are on my list. Wish me luck, Ken.
    The cons (not listed in my wacky week in review story, per your suggestion) I believe are self explanatory.
    As for the "sensible" part-- it's my firm belief that we will all get through this crap, together, as one... eventually.
   Now that I think about it, Mission sun dried tomato flour wraps might have added a certain level of wackiness to my list. It was an impulse purchase. This is precisely why I'm a sub-par writer.
    In the meantime, we're taking a moment to breathe at Pontchartrain...and to hold quiet reverence.

copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016. All Rights Reserved.