We loaded Chief Pontchartrain contributor/dietary disaster into an overhead bin and dispatched him 3-thousand miles from the Pacific Northwest to cover the Democratic National Convention. Who better to cover an historic exercise in apathy than Eric from Philly...What could possibly go wrong?
Enjoy his journal entries documenting what I suspect has already appeared on WikiLeaks.
5:45pm From: Eric
I just saw a girl use her fingers to add two to a number in the airport store. Do people REALLY think it matters who the next president is? Trust me, we're all doomed-- no matter who gets elected.
6:48pm From: Eric
Checkin' tinder to see if anyone is trying to join the mile high club.
6:50pm From: Eric
No Tinder Hookups yet but I hope they serve snacks on the plane; I only grabbed $46,000 worth of Gummy Bears from the airport store...also loaded up on shitty airport food so I could make the person sitting next to the bathroom wish they were dead for the next 3,000 miles.
7:04pm From: Eric
About to take off. What's the aeronautics equivalent of road head? This old blue hair sitting next to me is giving me a look that says she's willing to take out the dentures.
From: Eric 7:08pm
Enjoy my last words in case the plane crashes.
From: Eric
Finally landed in Philly.
My mid-flight poop was so bad that they threatened to pull the plane over and make me get out; Also made friends with the flight attendant...
From: Jim
How so?
From: Eric
I informed her that "I have a cock, you have a pit. Whaddya say?"
Her: *pepper spray*
Editor Note:
(no contact from Eric for three days now)
From: Jim Patrick
Um...any convention update?
From: Eric
I bought some bacon socks near the convention and I watched a middle-aged man playing Pokemon Go in the subway-- Then I realized he's registered to vote... Heading back to Oregon.
And there you have it. Thanks Eric for continually reminding me of why a hostage negotiator has to talk me into getting out of bed each day.
In a nutshell, the convention highlights unfolded as follows:
WikiLeaks, apparently, finds hidden items more efficiently on a computer than virus scan...with exception to my ex-wife.
Sarah Silverman apparently is still alive.
Donald Trump stayed on topic in his positive counter message, assuring that he plans to begin dating Vladimir Putin.
From his balcony perch, Bernie Sanders wore a facial expression indicating that he was either being held hostage or wished for a rescue helicopter.
Michelle Obama likely could get the nomination if "do-overs" were allowed at the DNC.
Elizabeth Warren is still very angry about something.
The first half of Bill Clinton's speech sounded like the plotline of Pretty In Pink.
Obama delivered an electrifying oration and engaged in an awkward hug with Hillary-- prompting many at the Fox News set to run hysterically as Sean Hannity's head literally exploded.
...and, Hillary made history by being the first female to be a female AND become a major party presidential candidate while being a female.
And then they did the giant plague of locusts balloon drop just before informing Scott Baio that he could only appear at ONE convention.
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016. All Rights Reserved.
ed. note: Our thanks to Micah Carper for his contribution to this story and our apologies to every airline employee who had contact with Eric Crowthers from Philly.
