Monday, May 30, 2016


I had coffee with a friend today and a highly intelligent subject exploded out of thin air -- "What's the first word or words out of your mouth when you wake up in the morning?"
    For me it was simple-- It's either "SHIT!" or "Who are you??"
    My buddy Tony's first word is simple and efficient..."Fuck."
    Tony's take is that if you're in a committed relationship it might sound different with a spouse. I.e. "Good morning honey."  Because I'm an optimist, I corrected in adding "...good morning; just so you know, I'm still mad at you about last night."
    A Florida man who just woke from a coma (and we are not making this up) demanded: 

"I want Taco Bell."  
    This is expressly why I feel strongly that the United States Government should take sincere consideration as to giving Florida  (and Kanye West) to Puerto Rico as a Christmas gift.
    I never really think about words since many of my days are spent engaged in stimulating conversation...

From: Amanda Port
I like the latest writing proof... funny stuff.

From: Jim Patrick
Thank I shall walk away from it and live to write another day, provided that I don’t find myself brutally murdered before such time.

Is there a non-brutal way to be killed?

Depends on who you ask. For instance, if you're reading politically skewed statistics from government officials, brutal crimes are down.  Try telling that to the guy who just got beaten to death with a window washing squeegee in an altercation at the local gas station. Or, I suppose one could just die during a sexual encounter-- which is non brutal --depending on what your sexual partner is "into."

How would someone be beaten to death with a squeegee @the gas station?

Weapon of convenience. What would YOU grab? A Slurpee Cup?

I don't know why I even bother asking for your logic.  Are u watching baseball this afternoon?


When you texted a minute ago, i was sitting in my gazebo with a book and a butterfly wistfully flitted around me. It was beautiful and peaceful.

Did you kill it??? I hope so; I hate bugs.

nah, it was panicking, looking for a way out of the gazebo's netting. i just watched it frantically searching for an exit

Sounds like my life

yes, the metaphor was not lost on me either.

copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016. All Rights Reserved

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Buffalo Wild Things...

I'm, oddly, fascinated that we "officially" designate national and state ANYTHING. i.e. flower, bird, tree, meth lab, etc.
    The Bison have recently earned their seat at the table courtesy of  those wacky people who brought us the national debt and nutritional labels on corn dogs which inform us that they're not healthy-- by decree of the U.S.Congress--the bison is now the "national mammal" of the United States. Personally, I would've chosen Jessica Alba but I'm not a member of Congress...I know how to engage in a sex scandal and ruin stuff on my own without a procedural committee vote.
    From time to time congress gets together to sit in large, comfortable chairs; they fight a lot, they meet for a soccer match and then scream about the War On Terror®.  When it's over, we pay approximately $750-billion dollars for something.  It's sort of like a divorce proceeding.
    None of this is important; The burning topic which haunts me when I'm doing important things, such as being poor, is...what about THE BUFFALO???
    What's the difference, you ask, between bison and buffalo? Buffalo only exist in Africa, Asia and on rugs at various flea market or roadside vendor stands. 
    It's a known fact that Noah ran out of room on the Mayflower (the original illegal immigration boat) prior to early government officials building a wall (which we made China pay for). Because the wall came in under budget, there were leftover funds to create a popular chicken wing chain named after the buffalo. A consolation prize of sorts.
    I'm not opposed to official designations...I've officially designated my neighbor, Pete, to be clinically insane, Thursdays are my designated day to get to-go tacos at Juan's Flying Burrito (ironically there is, in fact, a wall skirting the building.)  I've designated today punch your boss in the back of the head day and I've designated the national fashion attribute/annoyance...the iPhone...and the man-bun.
    Like it or not, the bison is our national mammal and, unless you're big enough to personally challenge a bison, you'll just have to accept it...
    Now, I'm focused on lobbying Congress to designate the national inert gas. Wish me luck.

copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016. All Rights Reserved

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Holiday Road Block

I met a friend for dinner today and she told me about a website that matches people with their ideal U.S. city destination by filling out a user friendly form which I liken to writing a masters degree thesis.  Simply hit "send" and, voila, you're perfectly matched with a Tinder Hookup. Eventually, I received a Chinese hacker, Hillary Clinton's lost email server...and then my ideal city destination list.  
    Actually the site featured several helpful items, such as 273-thousand pop-up ads and a computer virus which was so powerful that it infected my dog.
    Because I often have nothing particularly to do, I entered the required survey criteria which consisted of basic questions pertaining to lifestyle, age, hair color, blood type, Zodiac sign, anything I ate this year and an honest critique of Superman vs. Batman.
Here’s what they suggested for ME:
Savannah, GA.
Listed as one of the “Top 100 Places to Retire or participate in a civil war reenactment/lingerie show“, according to some magazine to which I‘d never subscribe. Savannah is beautiful and culturally drenched in magnificent things such as the letter "V" in its name. It hosts the 3rd largest St. Patrick's Day celebration which tells me that they have a very large jail facility.

Mobile, AL:
The first seat of colonial French Louisiana (where boobies for beads and corrupt local government were first introduced). It's also home to some weird guy named Eddie who swears that he invented the Ebola virus for the CIA in order to impress girls.  Next…

Tallahassee, FL:
If I visit Florida, I certainly would NOT pick a landlocked city. The city slogan is “Visit Tallahassee, where it all comes together”. Of course it does…it’s the center of a state where there are many cool things going on (minus Jeb Bush), just not there. This slogan translates to “We know you’re just passing through." Elsewhere in the rental car state...

Pensacola, FL:
I’m not opposed to the "Redneck Riviera." Visitors from Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi and Louisiana converging upon one city can only equal one spectacular entire television season of "Cops."  I'd simply enjoy telling people that I'd visited Escambia County, because I like the sound of Escambia. I'd say it with a thick Spanish accent to the point of irritating everyone around me until they bleed from the ears.  Which brings us to the enchanted land of...

Galveston, TX:
Sincere apologies to the citizens of Galveston, but…No.

EL Paso, TX:
I think El Paso is a fine city, even though Donald Trump plans to change the name because it sounds too Mexican.  I even make a point to purchase “Old El Paso” food products. El Paso is in the finals for the "All American City" award which will immediately prompt a nuclear strike by executive order in a Trump administration.

Dallas or Ft. Worth, TX:
No and NO. I’ve had many fine times there, one of which included a brief brush with the law for doing something foolish, like not being from Texas.
    I don’t trust a city with THAT many TGI Friday’s and an interstate system where east is west and south is northeast. Try driving there sometime; you'll understand.

Oklahoma City, OK:
I associate OKC with nothing particularly fun...especially the probability of being randomly sucked up and violently thrown to Arkansas by a massive tornado.

Nashville, TN:
A fantastic city, and my hometown.  It holds and preserves unparalleled culture, rich history and Kenny Rogers' actual PRE-facelift face.
    I wasted a lot of time with the destination app with no viable results-- sort of like waiting in a TSA line-- I DID snag a triple CHEESE pizza coupon from Papa John's.
    I think I'll just vacation at home this summer.
    Welcome to the column Lacrosse,WI you cheese heads!

copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016 All Rights Reserved

Friday, May 13, 2016

UN-Social Studies

...Conclusion, part 3:
    I liken social media to that of a school that being eaten by a shark sounds like a sensible alternative. Add political discussion to both platforms and you've got an experience which makes undergoing CIA waterboarding interrogation seem like a fun, new ride at Dick Cheney's CONFESSION World.
    In addition to the usual suspects, participants in reunions, political campaigns AND social media include the embarrassing guy, his crazy wife, someone's weird boyfriend and some random loud man who lives next door.
    Social media parallels real life if you look closely...only we're not provided an option to report these lunatics to the moderator in real life.
    I have a friend who I love dearly and (to protect her identity) we'll call her Kate-- primarily because her real name is Katie-- Kate is apparently equipped with a Defense Department grade Doppler 70000.6 Pinpoint Ex Girlfriend Radar which enables her to track North Korean troop movement and/or share fun tidbits which ensures that any level of happiness oozes from my body as though I'm undergoing a colonoscopy.
     She'll helpfully share happy items with me such as:
"Did you see online that your ex is pregnant?" or, "Hey, I know you haven't had sex in a while. That hot girl down the bar who just left was totally into you!
    I suppose some level of happiness exists in the social media world-- comedy certainly does-- especially within the realm of politics.  Case in point:
LudwigVonFartmonster73 starts a strand which proudly issues an important directive as though he's conducting a Capitol Hill press conference announcing:
"To all on Facebook, Bernie Sanders is the ONLY choice. Hillary and Trump will legalize the right to carry improvised explosive devices AND outlaw Taco Bell."
    Disturbingly, there are apparently 72 other Ludwig vonFartmonsters.
    I'm equally amused by the political "unfriend" posters"
Kassie:  "Unfriend me now if you're voting for Trump or Bernie. These two do NOT HAVE TRUE family values for the people!!!  Ugh. Btw I have an extra ticket for the Scorched Nipple Pussy Clamp concert tonight. Hit me up on PM."

    I believe that numerous valid cases might be argued to "unfriend", block and enter a witness protection real life.  Sigh.

From: Kate--
Hey...your ex is getting married in two weeks.  Wow!

copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016 All Rights Reserved

Saturday, May 7, 2016

The Baconator part 2 of 3

Editor's note: Our ongoing three-piece series (a.k.a. this won't end until a sniper delivers a fatal headshot to Jim Patrick) Enjoy part two.
   Let's take a peek at social media and how, according to Twitter users,  Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders might be responsible for troubled chapters in American history such as the Kennedy assassination, Area 51and Kanye West.
    Some of our favorite social media denizens include:
The Attention Fishermen...
Shelley: Sigh. I'm totally over it.
Matt: What's wrong???
Shelley: Too much...don't wanna talk about it. Never mind. sigh.
Jessica: You okay girl??
Shelley: I will be...very soon. can't be here anymore.
Tony: Wait, WHAT??? Wtf is going on Shell???
Shelley: Nothing apparently important, I've been told. I don't wanna talk about up.
Kate: I'm coming to your house right now!!!!!!
Shelley: I'm not home...I'm totally over it all, this is it for me.
Tony: Where are you????
Shelley: TGI Fridays.

    Laugh freely, but you (sadly) know it's true...and we've all seen it play out right there on the screen.
    Next up...The social media "one upper."
Ken: OMG...I just met Kevin Bacon...really cool dude!
Chad: That's very cool. Me and Laura met Elton John two weeks ago. He invited us backstage AND gave us All Access passes, including use of his 3-thousand square foot bathroom. We hit it off so well that he invited us to dinner after the show.  The only sad part of the night was the homeless guy while we were waiting for our cab. I gave him all of my cash since me and Laura are leaving for a remote Indonesian village next week with the Peace Corps. All the kids have to eat there are sticks so we're gonna show them how to grow veggies and cure cancer.
Meeting Kevin Bacon is cool dude!  See you soon.

    Yep, it's an interesting world and we all have a front row seat-- thanks to Al Gore's Internet-- which brings us to our series conclusion.  Social media and politics.  Stay tuned...
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016. All Rights Reserved

Unsociable Media part 1 of 3

I'm fairly certain that social media is going to bring about another extinction level event, not witnessed since the Triassic era and/or the 2016 presidential campaign.  In the meantime, I can still enjoy fun items that I didn't ask for, such as:
473-billion playful cat video shares
The ability to exhibit behavior which would make an 8 year-old cringe
Click an "angry face," a "Like" icon or any number of passive aggressive emojis associated with a post pertaining to topics which are clearly a private matter
Or gain insight as to how some political candidate will, literally, eat your child if elected...
    It's all right there, at one's very brave fingertips.
    While it's a bizarre societal case study, I tend to "personally" interact on social media as I do in my real life. (ooops, IRL)  I don't...Then I stay in the house and cry uncontrollably-- weighing the pros and cons of moving to Antarctica--
    Stay tuned for a three part series...but first, the first of real samples:
    Online breakups hold equivalence to hell on earth for both parties...
   In the syrupy Facebook bliss of, say, an office relationship in full bloom, typical interaction between lovebirds might read like this:

Girl: You wanna meet for drinks after work?
Guy: I sure can sweetie…
Girl: I think you’ll find it well worth your while…don’t plan on getting much sleep tonight
    After the breakup, the public conversation devolves into this:

Girl: if you’re in over your head just say so.
Guy: Yeah, well I’ve been busy!!!  The earth doesn’t revolve around you...even though, if you keep eating the way you do, you’ll be as big as a planet soon enough.
Girl: Yeah?? Well at least I’m not latently homosexual.
Guy: You said you adored the fact that I was sensitive and wrote poems for you!
Girl: Yeah? I lied!
Guy: (Wanting to kill his friend who convinced him that leaving love notes and preparing French pastries was a nice touch) Oh yeah? Well you’re LOUSY in bed!!!
Girl: No I’m not…and Carlos, in accounting on the third floor, will tell you otherwise.
Guy: Oh YEAH????  At least I’m not a little BITCH!!
Girl: Yes you are.

    I’m reasonably certain that office breakups, and social media, violates some sort of OSHA safety guideline.
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016. All Rights Reserved.