Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Erectio...uh...Election Coverage

...Our final installment of non-election/erection coverage by way of reader mail which, against my better judgement, includes personal responses from Eric Crowthers, from Philly. Enjoy.

    "I hope you two die a painful death."

From Eric:
As long as it happens soon, I'm down. I'm not sure how I'm going to come up with rent in two weeks.

    "You two are like Martin and Lewis" (clearly a senior citizen)

From Eric:
Jim is a rascal, I'm a curmudgeon. It seems only fitting that the only people who like us shit themselves.

    "Love the back and forth with Eric."

From Eric:
This person is clearly dull. That's why they have no back and forth of their own and have to live vicariously through ours.

    "How and why do I receive forwards of your articles???""

From Eric:
How?  There's this thing called the internet, mastermind. You used it to send this message.
Why? Because God hates you.

    "Is Eric single?"

From Eric:
April will mark the 10 year anniversary since my last relationship ended, but I don't do the sex anymore, slut bag, so dry off your nasty clam.

    "You two are crazy funny."

From Eric:
You have the vocabulary of a Kardashian, thus making your personality the physical manifestation of dry anal.

    "I think you and Eric should form a murder-suicide pact." *(my favorite)

From Eric:
Didn't Jim and I already do that?

    "Who are you guys voting for?"

From Eric:
Learn some fucking manners. Religion and politics should be kept private ... kinda like your uncle's favorite game that you played as a child.
PS - Whomever you're voting for, I'm voting for the other person.

   "I hate you two."

From Eric:
Get in line.


From Eric:
I'll bet you've been to every farewell tour KISS has performed in that little tampon box you call a town where you live, and still have a wardrobe that was purchased by Camel Cash in 1990.

    "I think Eric from Philly   should be dismembered and you should be beaten to death with his dismembered arm."

From Eric:
Again, I'm game as long as it's before the 1st of the month so I don't have to pay rent.

    "Are you two a same sex couple?"

From Eric:
Should you feel the need to take a break from licking the windows and drooling on your sweater, ask somebody to explain to you how geography works.

And, there you have it.  Our Pontchartrain Press series of non-Erection coverage concludes.  Join us for our new, lighthearted series titled:
 "The Apocalypse Can Be Fun."

copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016. All Rights Reserved.

Sunday, October 2, 2016

A PRESspca Release

Pontchartrain Press
                 29 September 2016

Santa Monica,CA-- It's been brought to the attention of Pontchartrain Press that one of our chatroom pranks (a ferret aficionado site) was ill received after it was shared by a few readers on a social media site. While we never in  a million years imagined to be writing the above statement-- this provides an excellent opportunity for us to drive the bus over Jim James Patrick.
    The article and prank in question was written and executed solely by James Patrick.
    We can't confirm that the following assertion is valid but his sole actions might also have caused a spike in inner city crime, a massive forrest fire, sparked Kim Kardashian to read a book and the devaluation of the Yen.
    This was never our intention. We, of course, do not want Kim to read a book.
    Rather than goofing on the ferret, we initially planned to pick on the Wildebeest but the crocodiles, lions and rich, murderous tourist poachers on the Serengeti plains beat us to the punch.
    Be that as it may, the Kardashians were too easy of a target so we chose the ferret.
    We're, for some reason, protecting the identities of the angry respondents so as not to alienate them more than they likely already do on their own accord.
    Since we're posting our apologies on several social media sites, it seemed appropriate to adopt a passive aggressive tone in our press release.
    Here's our promise--From this point forward a proactive policy has been activated at Pontchartrain Press so as to consciously conform to SERIOUS social media standards and issues which are deemed user-relevant by avoiding any form of comedic perspective.  We will provide and satisfy the high expectations which social media audiences have come to expect and appreciate...as follows:

-Incessantly send game invites

--mourning a gorilla such as many who also can't identify a single country on a blank African map

-Post 200-thousand pics of our dinner entrees

-A post or two here and there of a stupid vacation pic with a significant other so everyone can hit the lie...ooops...LIKE button

-A pic of the NEW significant other after the previous, doomed, relationship goes south

-a selfie of Jim in front of his Uncle Leonard's casket

A "Go Fund Me" link so that we might purchase a 72 inch television or a breast augmentation for Amanda Port

-An uninformed, drunken political rant at 1am
...and, an occasional "Click Amen and share to be blessed with wealth, become the royal leader of Zamindari or win the war on terror...whichever suits you best by clicking."
    While very few of us at Pontchartrain Press actually know Jim, we're fully prepared to describe him as "a quiet guy who kept to himself" should the authorities ever ask.
    In all seriousness, each Pontchartrain Press affiliate site exists to provide silliness...and solve crimes.
    We absolutely love all animals-- dogs, cats, the North American Wren, filet mignon, squirrels, whales, chicken (piccata), the endangered South American Peccary, Black Forest ham and, yes, the loveable ferret.
Additional press contact:

Copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016. All Rights Reserved

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