29 September 2016
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
PUBLISHING COMPANY ANNOUNCES MASSIVE FERRET OWNER REPARATION INITIATIVE & KEG PARTY
Santa Monica,CA-- It's been brought to the attention of Pontchartrain Press that one of our chatroom pranks (a ferret aficionado site) was ill received after it was shared by a few readers on a social media site. While we never in a million years imagined to be writing the above statement-- this provides an excellent opportunity for us to drive the bus over Jim James Patrick.
The article and prank in question was written and executed solely by James Patrick.
We can't confirm that the following assertion is valid but his sole actions might also have caused a spike in inner city crime, a massive forrest fire, sparked Kim Kardashian to read a book and the devaluation of the Yen.
This was never our intention. We, of course, do not want Kim to read a book.
Rather than goofing on the ferret, we initially planned to pick on the Wildebeest but the crocodiles, lions and rich, murderous tourist poachers on the Serengeti plains beat us to the punch.
Be that as it may, the Kardashians were too easy of a target so we chose the ferret.
We're, for some reason, protecting the identities of the angry respondents so as not to alienate them more than they likely already do on their own accord.
Since we're posting our apologies on several social media sites, it seemed appropriate to adopt a passive aggressive tone in our press release.
Here's our promise--From this point forward a proactive policy has been activated at Pontchartrain Press so as to consciously conform to SERIOUS social media standards and issues which are deemed user-relevant by avoiding any form of comedic perspective. We will provide and satisfy the high expectations which social media audiences have come to expect and appreciate...as follows:
-Incessantly send game invites
--mourning a gorilla such as many who also can't identify a single country on a blank African map
-Post 200-thousand pics of our dinner entrees
-A post or two here and there of a stupid vacation pic with a significant other so everyone can hit the lie...ooops...LIKE button
-A pic of the NEW significant other after the previous, doomed, relationship goes south
-a selfie of Jim in front of his Uncle Leonard's casket
A "Go Fund Me" link so that we might purchase a 72 inch television or a breast augmentation for Amanda Port
-An uninformed, drunken political rant at 1am
...and, an occasional "Click Amen and share to be blessed with wealth, become the royal leader of Zamindari or win the war on terror...whichever suits you best by clicking."
While very few of us at Pontchartrain Press actually know Jim, we're fully prepared to describe him as "a quiet guy who kept to himself" should the authorities ever ask.
In all seriousness, each Pontchartrain Press affiliate site exists to provide silliness...and solve crimes.
We absolutely love all animals-- dogs, cats, the North American Wren, filet mignon, squirrels, whales, chicken (piccata), the endangered South American Peccary, Black Forest ham and, yes, the loveable ferret.
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