Thursday, March 31, 2016

Check Yes Or...Maybe?

I developed my own 10 question template which is guaranteed to bring nothing of value to your life and may possibly cause cancer-- which is why we're offering it absolutely free:
    I'm so tired of being assaulted by political polls, questionnaires, options and Nickelback music. People over think everything...except Nickelback.
    If I could make all life decisions based on a fast food combo menu it would make my life so much easier...until I'm able to move to a sustainable outpost on Mars.
    I stumbled upon an ad boasting a surefire set of 10 questions to ask in order to save time in ascertaining whether or not someone is a good person to date.  What???
    This must be one powerful set of questions, as we've seen two-thousand presidential debates this year and, still,  the burning election year question that I believe all of us are asking is "What's up with Miley Cyrus joining The Voice?"
    Here's MY scientific survey-- get ready to swipe right ladies:

1. What's your favorite food?
2. How did question one affect your life?
3. Between question one and two, which did you like best?
4. If question one were a super hero, which one would it be?
5. Would you see the movie?
6. Do you like anal?  I'm kidding.  If question one were a person, do you think that it might like anal?
7. Of all presidential candidates and question one, who do you trust to bring sexy back?
8. Remind me of your answer to question one again...I forgot.
9. Question one just asked ME a question.  Weird.
10. So, how about dinner tonight?
    I really don't need a masterful, psychological grid of questions to determine a good dating match.  If I ask for a date and she says yes...I immediately question her judgment.

I'll take the number five combo, please?

copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016 All Rights Reserved

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Vote For...An Excuse To Be Late To Work

I recently saw an interview on CNN with an expert psychologist who helpfully calmed voter nerves by diagnosing "Extreme voter anxiety syndrome" for every resident in America, the entire solar system and galaxies which have yet to be discovered-- with exception to fringe areas where KKK rallies still occur.  Most importantly, according to her theory, the earth will be destroyed by a giant meteor if ANY of the current presidential candidates are elected.  Let's weigh in...

From: William, Ringgold, GA
Hey is up with these debates????
To: William
From: Jim Patrick
     Wtf is up in Ringgold, William? Barreling through the 2016 campaign trail, rest assured that I'm here to help sort it out...
    As the political bus of Tourette syndrome fervently racist, I mean, races, across the country, let's try to calm some nerves AND fix my bathroom toilet which won't stop running for reasons unknown to me or my landlord and his idiot plumbing expert.
     According to CNN, you suffer from voter anxiety-- which sounds like a made up word from the Oxford Dictionary. But, as we all know, the English love to make up their own words. (And pretend that soccer is more exciting than the NFL).
    Our world seems to have forgotten the abhorrent diatribes, borne of ghosts from campaigns' past...
          --A president's hardest task is not to do what is right, but to KNOW what is right. (LBJ)
          --We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone. (Ronald Reagan)
          --Mankind must put an end to war or war will put an end to mankind. (JFK)
          --STRATEGERY. (George W. Bush)

    Now, let's fast forward to the 21st century in order to ease your jitters with a more civilized presidential tone...

"Did you wipe the hard drive?  What? with, like a cloth?"
"Doo doo head"
"Blood coming out of her, wherever"
"Anchor babies"
"He's not a hero; I like people who weren't captured" (in a war)
"I have two dead hookers in my trunk"
"You know what they say about guys with small hands..."

    Sadly, I only made up two of those quotes to paint a kinder, gentler canvas.
    It's quite likely that many people you see on television at the barrage of debates and rallies don't know who Kim Jong Il is, or his family: Kim Jong Un, Id, Aaack, Ugh, HO or, the distant cousin, Kim Jong Aeiou.  (He was the smart kid.)
    William, since I can barely remember if I'm legally allowed to vote, I don't have a clue but can offer a highly scientific recommendation for voter anxiety (still not a real term) and/or shingle this order:
Treat these ailments as I do with a porn forward to the money shot.  Everything else is just really bad acting and/or Terry Bradshaw
    By the way, can you recommend a good plumber...or landlord?

copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016 All Rights Reserved

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Yes, I Am Tired...

We temporarily disabled the email icon from our main blog before shooting it into outer space where I can now report that it destroyed a North Korean satellite.  USA!
    In the meantime, to form the final article of the season, we glanced through a pile of stupid mail for recreational purposes-- Sort of like a sexual encounter with an ex, only without awkward feelings of regret the following day-- enjoy...
     I'm, somehow, NEVER amazed by emails or social media site content that random readers feel strongly about sharing with us while we're doing important things, such as wanting to be left alone...and now, we share them with you...sort of like herpes.

From Susan, Louisville KY
    Hey, I learned Mandarin Chinese over the winter. Yaaaay for me Jim Patrick!
From: Jim Patrick
    Congrats!  I only know one Chinese phrase..."I'll take the number 15 dinner."  Godzirrra!  Wait, that's Japanese.
Pretty impressive though, huh?
    Elsewhere, apparently, if Donald Trump is elected, a large segment of the American populace plan on moving to Canada.  Not me-- I'm much too lazy to take such a drastic stand about anything, especially where packing tape is involved.  Plus I'm scared of moose and Celine Dion.
    At any rate, I'll just change my Facebook "currently lives in" status to Ottawa. Problem solved.

From Jason, Decatur, IL
celebrating my one year anniversary with the bestest girlfriend ever at Coldstone Creamery.
From Jim Patrick
I'm happy for you both and I just threw up a little bit in my mouth-- That's very hipster of you.  I'm actually trying to develop a cool "hipster" bar concept.  By the way, please lose my email address.

    Dear Jim, today is women's equality day!
    From Jim Patrick
Great!  Thank you Facebook for stirring social awareness, mixed with posts of someone's kid who was born without elbows and a photo or two from friends who cooked, what appears to be, a scrumptious dinner for their Tinder Hookup.  Who knew that anything other than purchasing condoms was associated with a Tinder Hookup?

    From Shauna, Ocracoke, NC
Dear Jim,
Do you feel the Bern???
    From Jim Patrick
Not since the amoxicillin kicked in.

    From Alex, Nashville, TN
Just took my kids to Chuck E. Cheese.  You should hang out there one afternoon.  You'd get tons of writing material.
    From Jim Patrick
Yes, I'd Love to look like a pedophile more so than I already do.  Actually, the founder of Chuck E. Cheese is brilliant for creating an environment where one might take their kids AND get a DUI on the way home.

    I thank the readers from our proprietary and social media sites.  We couldn't live without you. Thanks to Mike Klein, the editor, for promising to NEVER contact me during my time off.  A special thank you to the love of my life, Amanda Port, (not really) but I DO love  her boobies.  Also thanks to Todd and the biggest loser of all, Eric Crowthers from Philly (presently via the Pacific northwest) who is a brilliant comedy talent.  He also holds me when I cry, brushes my hair, talks me out of assisted suicide and, by evaluating his existence, reminds me that my life can always be much, much worse

Btw, the name of my new "hipster" bar--  The Downtrodden Scampi."

copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016 All Rights Reserved
See ya soon.  xo

Thursday, March 3, 2016

Nodding Off

Awaiting the final edited column copy to be okayed by Mike Klein, Editor in Queef...In the meantime, reader mail:
From Charlie Kelly, New Orleans
Dear Jim,
    I've noticed that almost no one gives the return "head nod" greeting when I pass them on the street.  What's up with that?
From Jim Patrick
Judging by the abundance of personal injury attorney television commercials in New Orleans I can only speculate that everyone has life threatening neck injuries due to being hit by, what seems to be, a rash of big rig accidents.
    I personally conducted a highly scientific study by strolling through the French Quarter and found your concerns well merited.  Even though I was highly intoxicated and, somehow, ended up holding a partially consumed gyro and some drunk woman by the end of my research stroll, only three of ten people returned the subtle "nod" salutation.
    I called one of the 300 attorneys from the TV ads to substantiate our concern but they were unable to be reached due to an apparent heavy Mesothelioma and Xarelto caseload.
    I'll continue research on your behalf AND pledge to teach golf legend, Arnold Palmer, how to correctly pronounce Xarelto.


copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016 All Rights Reserved