We temporarily disabled the email icon from our main blog before shooting it into outer space where I can now report that it destroyed a North Korean satellite. USA!
In the meantime, to form the final article of the season, we glanced through a pile of stupid mail for recreational purposes-- Sort of like a sexual encounter with an ex, only without awkward feelings of regret the following day-- enjoy...
I'm, somehow, NEVER amazed by emails or social media site content that random readers feel strongly about sharing with us while we're doing important things, such as wanting to be left alone...and now, we share them with you...sort of like herpes.
From Susan, Louisville KY
Hey, I learned Mandarin Chinese over the winter. Yaaaay for me Jim Patrick!
From: Jim Patrick
Congrats! I only know one Chinese phrase..."I'll take the number 15 dinner." Godzirrra! Wait, that's Japanese.
Pretty impressive though, huh?
Elsewhere, apparently, if Donald Trump is elected, a large segment of the American populace plan on moving to Canada. Not me-- I'm much too lazy to take such a drastic stand about anything, especially where packing tape is involved. Plus I'm scared of moose and Celine Dion.
At any rate, I'll just change my Facebook "currently lives in" status to Ottawa. Problem solved.
From Jason, Decatur, IL
celebrating my one year anniversary with the bestest girlfriend ever at Coldstone Creamery.
From Jim Patrick
I'm happy for you both and I just threw up a little bit in my mouth-- That's very hipster of you. I'm actually trying to develop a cool "hipster" bar concept. By the way, please lose my email address.
From FACEBOOK
Dear Jim, today is women's equality day!
From Jim Patrick
Great! Thank you Facebook for stirring social awareness, mixed with posts of someone's kid who was born without elbows and a photo or two from friends who cooked, what appears to be, a scrumptious dinner for their Tinder Hookup. Who knew that anything other than purchasing condoms was associated with a Tinder Hookup?
From Shauna, Ocracoke, NC
Dear Jim,
Do you feel the Bern???
From Jim Patrick
Not since the amoxicillin kicked in.
From Alex, Nashville, TN
Just took my kids to Chuck E. Cheese. You should hang out there one afternoon. You'd get tons of writing material.
From Jim Patrick
Yes, I'd Love to look like a pedophile more so than I already do. Actually, the founder of Chuck E. Cheese is brilliant for creating an environment where one might take their kids AND get a DUI on the way home.
I thank the readers from our proprietary and social media sites. We couldn't live without you. Thanks to Mike Klein, the editor, for promising to NEVER contact me during my time off. A special thank you to the love of my life, Amanda Port, (not really) but I DO love her boobies. Also thanks to Todd and the biggest loser of all, Eric Crowthers from Philly (presently via the Pacific northwest) who is a brilliant comedy talent. He also holds me when I cry, brushes my hair, talks me out of assisted suicide and, by evaluating his existence, reminds me that my life can always be much, much worse
Btw, the name of my new "hipster" bar-- The Downtrodden Scampi."
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016 All Rights Reserved
See ya soon. xo
