I recently saw an interview on CNN with an expert psychologist who helpfully calmed voter nerves by diagnosing "Extreme voter anxiety syndrome" for every resident in America, the entire solar system and galaxies which have yet to be discovered-- with exception to fringe areas where KKK rallies still occur. Most importantly, according to her theory, the earth will be destroyed by a giant meteor if ANY of the current presidential candidates are elected. Let's weigh in...
From: William, Ringgold, GA
Hey Jim...wtf is up with these debates????
To: William
From: Jim Patrick
Wtf is up in Ringgold, William? Barreling through the 2016 campaign trail, rest assured that I'm here to help sort it out...
As the political bus of Tourette syndrome fervently racist, I mean, races, across the country, let's try to calm some nerves AND fix my bathroom toilet which won't stop running for reasons unknown to me or my landlord and his idiot plumbing expert.
According to CNN, you suffer from voter anxiety-- which sounds like a made up word from the Oxford Dictionary. But, as we all know, the English love to make up their own words. (And pretend that soccer is more exciting than the NFL).
Our world seems to have forgotten the abhorrent diatribes, borne of ghosts from campaigns' past...
--A president's hardest task is not to do what is right, but to KNOW what is right. (LBJ)
--We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone. (Ronald Reagan)
--Mankind must put an end to war or war will put an end to mankind. (JFK)
--STRATEGERY. (George W. Bush)
Now, let's fast forward to the 21st century in order to ease your jitters with a more civilized presidential tone...
"Schlonged"
"Did you wipe the hard drive? What? with, like a cloth?"
"Doo doo head"
"Blood coming out of her, wherever"
"Anchor babies"
"He's not a hero; I like people who weren't captured" (in a war)
"I have two dead hookers in my trunk"
"You know what they say about guys with small hands..."
Sadly, I only made up two of those quotes to paint a kinder, gentler canvas.
It's quite likely that many people you see on television at the barrage of debates and rallies don't know who Kim Jong Il is, or his family: Kim Jong Un, Id, Aaack, Ugh, HO or, the distant cousin, Kim Jong Aeiou. (He was the smart kid.)
William, since I can barely remember if I'm legally allowed to vote, I don't have a clue but can offer a highly scientific recommendation for voter anxiety (still not a real term) and/or shingle treatment...in this order:
Treat these ailments as I do with a porn film...fast forward to the money shot. Everything else is just really bad acting and/or Terry Bradshaw
By the way, can you recommend a good plumber...or landlord?
copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2016 All Rights Reserved
