I rarely write about New Orleans in general. But, with the assault of sappy year-end retrospectives, I couldn't resist. I'm hoping that Anderson Cooper or Carson Daily might host the TV version. Here's a glance at 2015...
In January a renegade councilwoman introduces a measure which she, unlike every single citizen in the city, feels will save lives-- a ban on smoking in all New Orleans bars. (Murder rate hits 14)
February ushered in a hint that governor Bobby Jindal holds a great desire to destroy larger government budgets by becoming President of the United States and/or a neighborhood watch association.
(Murder rate climbs to 26)
The winds of March blow in strong suspicions that I'm about to become single again. We also learned that, newly appointed police superintendent, Michael Harris, has devised a plan for combating neighborhood violence. He attends numerous community meetings wearing a deeply concerned facial expression while eating gumbo. (Murder rate hits 45)
April showered us with an epic family feud when multi-gazillionaire, Tom Benson's, family members characterize him to be mentally unfit to run the New Orleans Saints, Pelicans, brush his own teeth or operate a microwave oven. Elsewhere, Saints fans declare the same with regard to Coach Sean Payton. (Murder rate hits 57)
May is quiet...with the exception that I'm, indeed, newly single. The no smoking abatement goes into effect at all 279-million New Orleans bars (in time for my birthday). Mayor announces aggressive environmental and crime prevention policies while attending a neighborhood association meeting, wearing a deeply concerned facial expression over a bowl of gumbo. (Murder rate hits 73)
June gloom sees numerous assaults and robberies as bar patrons are forced to smoke outside where they are immediately accosted. Streets are littered with 100-million non biodegradable cigarette butts. Mayor announces amendment to aggressive environmental and crime prevention policies. (Murder rate hits 92)
Americans celebrate July by wondering if France might have been a more effective governing presence for New Orleans. Governor Jindal announces presidential campaign; Late night talk show hosts collectively have an orgasm as Louisianans make preparations for evacuation to Mississippi. A new state of the art Orleans Parish Prison prepared to open as residents around the site abandon their homes as though they were on fire. (Murder rate hits 111)
The dog days of August bring an uncomfortable heat as 52 new police cadets join the ranks of the NOPD...replacing the 200 officers who have quit in order to "pursue other interests" (staying alive.) Governor Jindal returns to Baton Rouge for the first time since 2014 to announce that he's been elected mayor of Dubuque, Iowa. New Orleans cab drivers fume about new competitor, Uber, by staging mass protests at City Hall while Uber drivers rake in massive amounts of cash while cab drivers skip work to protest. (Murder rate hits 120)
September bender. The entire City Council are mugged while on a smoke break, skipping a roll call vote on the mayor's aggressive environmental and crime prevention policy. In light of a tragic shooting in South Carolina, New Orleans mayor announces that all civil war monuments be removed in order to allay racist tension. The governor agrees by giving the entire northwestern portion of Louisiana to Texas. (Murder rate climbs to 131)
Tricks for treats...it's October! Parking fees and hours for enforcement rise dramatically, prompting all service industry employees to poison every dish coming out of the kitchen. Council woman who introduced no smoking ban accidentally burns house to the ground due to of an unattended cigarette. Governor Jindal suspends presidential campaign, much to the relief of his family, and declares himself king of Baton Rouge. (Murder rate hits 146)
November leftovers anyone? Toyota-thon is still, annoyingly, in progress as service industry employees further exhibit frustration with the local government by erecting civil war monuments on restaurant/bar properties, smoking inside and extinguishing cigarettes in patron's dinner orders. Baton Rouge secedes from the United States.
HoHoHO! According to Lexus it's a December to remember and the enforcement period for destroying any vehicle illegally parked in the city. NOPD hires 25 additional officers while the traffic division adds approximately 768 meter maids. Bars begin ignoring smoking ban using the defense of "You're not the boss of me" and construction of King Jindal's castle begins. Workers are pulled from the 300-year flood control construction project in Uptown. (Murder rate hits 164)
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