Something absolutely horrible happened in my world this week. Aside from learning that Lindsey Lohan failed her latest drug test and now may have to serve 30-days in jail, I temporarily lost my cell phone for most of the day! What if Lindsey tries to call??
Unfortunately, text messages continue to pile up…whether you hold possession of your phone or not.
Msg from Lisa: Hey…sorry I haven’t called in a while…hope ure doin well. Hey, can I borrow your car this afternoon??
Msg from Pete: We’re grilling tonight and watchin the game if u wanna come by dude
Msg from Haylee: Hey there. I had fun hangin out last nite : )
Msg from Pete: Oh, if u do come by, can you swing by and pick up some extra beer and a couple bags of ice? Thx!!
Msg from Bob: Hey I don‘t have my laptop. Can you check to see if Steve Guttenberg is on an infomercial with Chuck Norris about the Total Gym Fitness Center? Me and John are at the bar and I have a bet with him! He says I’m wrong
Msg from Lisa: Not sure if u got my last txt…can I borrow your car this afternoon?? My boyfriend Jonathan only has a seg-way. Plus, he’s working late at the beauty salon today. Hope ure doin okay. Ure not mad that I’m dating someone Ru???
Msg from John B: Bob is full of shit. I know everything there is to know about Steve Guttenberg. Cocoon is one of my favorite movies of all time. The only commercial he’s been in was a cola commercial. He was NEVER in an infomercial.
Msg from Haylee: So I’d like to hang out again…maybe later this weekend if ure free. Maybe go check out that sushi bar on Carrollton?? Lemme know
Msg from Pete: BTW…now Craig needs a ride home if you come over. He’s pretty drunk. He was off work today.
Msg from Bob: John is getting drunk and obnoxious about Guttenberg. Pretty funny…he just fell backwards into a giant flower planter at the bar…LMAO!!!
Msg from Bob: Hey did I ever tell you that I was an extra in Cocoon 2?
Msg from Lisa: Well…ure obviously ignoring my txts. Just 4get about it. I’ll find another car. I don’t know why u cant just 4get about the past. I wont txt again. Have a nice day
Msg from Pete: I'm gonna kill Craig! He just fell into the pool and took the grill with him. Guess we're ordering pizza now. What a douche!
Msg from Bob: Which reminds me…did u ever see that creepy kid in the background of 3 Men and a Baby??? They say it was a ghost of some kid that died on the set. U can Google it. Really eerie!!!
Msg from John B: Bob’s a dick. I think I broke my ass bone!!
Msg from Haylee: Not sure if my txts are going thru. Anyway, I just got back from the gym. Hey...
I didn’t do anything stupid the other nite did I??? LOL!! Anyway, I really enjoyed being out w/ you
Msg from Lisa: So Bob is txtng me with some stupid question about Steve Guttenberg. Very funny! Are u with him?? You two need to grow up. If you don’t want me to be in your life, much less borrow the car, or even answer a txt, just say so rather than play stupid jokes
Msg from Pete: Never mind about picking up Craig…We dumped his drunk ass back at home. You comin’ over or what??
Msg from Pete: BTW, your ex GF, Lisa, just texted me and asked to borrow my car. WTF??
Msg from Bob: Damn! I think John may need to go to the ER. We’re gonna do a shot of Tequila first and see if his ass feels better. BTW, why is your ex sending me nasty text msgs???
Msg from Haylee: That thing I told you about with my ex BF got settled out of court...he was a nut job. Just wanna make sure it didn’t make you nervous about me. LOL Hope to hear from ya soon
Msg from Craig: Hey buddy…I lockecked myse outttaa the houise..do u stil have an xtra keys%?
Msg from Pete: LOL! Dude, Craig is waaaasted. I think he locked himself out. I don’t have a spare key to his house. U might wanna swing by there first
Msg from Craig: Hlep! I’m sitingg on the sidewalkk in fron of my house. Nxt 2yur car. Im only in my underwear….call mee!!!$“” Ur mean ass ex girl FRiend just walked by an yelled d at me. HeY…….and some other chik is hangng out on youur porch??>
Msg from Lisa: Well, ur drunk ass loser friend Craig is locked out and ur car is at ur house along with some girl knocking on ur front door. Oh, and I want my blender back!! I don’t know WTF I did that u cant just let me borrow the car??!! Plz call me back!
Msg from Haylee: Got kinda worried about you so I hope u don’t take it the wrong way since we only had dinner once but I stopped by to see if u were okay and make sure u didn’t get food poisoning…LOL. I looked up ur adress on Google Earth...BTW, there’s a weird guy on the street in his boxer shorts throwing up. Yuk!!
Msg from Pete: Why is John texting me about some stupid movie question?? You thinking about coming over tonight???
Msg from Bob: Now John is saying that Leonard Nimoy directed 3 Men and a Baby. WHAT???
Msg from Lisa: You know what? I don’t need your f-ing car after all. I didn’t want it to be this way…but I met a reeeeally nice guy recently on e-Harmony. Unlike you, spending your time writing stupid books instead of a REAL job, he likes to go to the theatre all the time and he brings me flowers almost every DAY!!! I’m not txtng u again. Goodbye. BTW, good luck driving ur car NOW dick.
Msg from John B: Not only did Nimoy direct 3 Men and a Baby, Guttenberg starred alongside Ted Danson…who later invited Nimoy to be in an episode of Becker! Hah!! Bob is gonna owe me a bunch of money on this one!!
Msg from Haylee: I hope I didn’t come across TOO forward the other night…I really don’t want u to think I’m easy or anything, I‘m actually VERY shy…LOL. I KNEW those guys that asked me 2 dance…they’re just friends from work. Hope u r okay...I'm worried now : {
Msg from Pete: Hey…Craig got into his house BTW. Someone helped him climb up the back porch overhang and he went thru a window. I wish I could have seen THAT!!!! Call me…we’re gonna go ahead and order pizza soon dude.
Msg from Bob: We’re home now…John got us thrown out of the sports bar running around the room doing the Vulcan mind meld on the other customers. He’s such a dumb ass when he gets drunk. Guttenberg WAS in an infomercial for the Total Fitness Gym! With Chuck Norris AND Christie Brinkley…Hah!
Msg from Craig: Holyy shit!!! Somee HOT chik named Hailey just helped me break in my hoouse. Shes an ex stripper. Scoooore! Haheaha!!*# She's stayin 4 a feww drinkss. U still got thhat blender?? i may need 2 borrw it
Msg from Todd: Whassup? I’m gonna stay at home for the game…u wanna come over? Me and Melissa ordered pizza...just gonna keep it low key chillll 2nite
Msg from Craig: BTW...looks like someboDy sliced yoour back tire 2dayy?%
Msg from Haylee: Maybe will talk tomorrow. Gonna stay with a friend 2nite.
Outgoing msg to Todd
From Jim: Just found my cell phone and got your txt. YES…I’d love to come over…more than you can possibly imagine. See ya’ soon! Thx.
Msg from Lisa: I'm sorry...and I miss you : (
Outgoing msg to Todd
From Jim: BTW, can you come get me? I have a flat tire.
copyright Pontchartrain Press 2010
TTYL...LOL!
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Details Coming Up Tonight At 10:00pm
I’ve been watching far too much news lately. There’s no particular reason-- I usually tune it out as background noise while I’m doing more important things such as holding a strong and hopeful vigil that Miley Cyrus and her dad, Billy Ray, will mend their differences.
Such a tragedy.
We live in an era like no other-- where amazing technological advances provide instant information about important stories and events which affect our daily lives and our personal well being…such as this earth shattering news scad:
“Where’s Obama’s Wedding Ring???”
(Insert gasp and ominous music here)
From Sunlen Miller of ABC News: For at least two days President Obama’s left hand has been unadorned by his wedding band. The White House said that beyond the typical cleaning that most rings get, Mr. Obama’s intricate gold ring needed a little repairing. White House aides declined to elaborate on what specifically was wrong with the ring.
My point being, these people don’t even look real!! I’m convinced that they unplug the anchors after the cameras stop rolling.
As a matter of fact, I feel sorry for the poor set maintenance guy who’s in charge of unplugging the news anchors at the end of the day.
News Director: Dammit Frank…you left Allison plugged in again all night!
Frank: Sorry sir, I got distracted when Jon, the mid-day anchor, began to loosen up and his posture became somewhat slumped. He was able to actually move his head like a normal human so we used the Peaucellier linkage rhombus method and fixed him…now he’s as straight as Anderson Cooper.
Anchor: We go now to Susan Wolffe for a breaking story…Susan, we’ve noticed that President Obama has been without his wedding band for a couple of days.
Susan: That’s right Bill. The White House is saying that the president is simply having his ring cleaned and repaired.
Anchor: Hmmm. Susan, did you get the feeling that the White House’s response indicates that the president is, in fact, hosting gay orgies in a secret subterranean room within the White House, because, I must say, their statement to the media sounds rather fishy to me.
Susan: Absolutely Bill and that’s very observant of you. We tracked down the press secretary and asked him why the president is wearing more pastel ties and using the word “fabulous” a lot lately.
Anchor: I see…and did they give you any indication that the president is indeed sleeping with British Prime Minister David Cameron??
Susan: We showed him a tape of the recent meeting between the President and Prime Minister Cameron and pointed out that they shared an uncomfortably lengthy hug in the East Room at their press conference.
Anchor: I saw that video too! Coupled with the OBVIOUS signal that the president is sending out to the gay community by not wearing his ring, I'd say the White House is CLEARLY hiding something. What was his response?
Susan: He asked us to leave. And then he skipped away.
Anchor: Great reporting on our top story and an obviously developing sex scandal; thanks Susan. In other news, three soldiers were injured today in Iraq…
Election coverage is always entertaining…the Olympics of absurdity and over-analyzed information if you will.
Speaking of politics, did you know that Speaker of The House, John Boehner (somehow pronounced Bainer) has become a topic of conversation amongst politicos due to his unnatural tan? WHO CARES?
If someone prefers to glow with a rich and deep hue of Kool-Aid orange-flavored juice who am I to stop him or her?
They actually send out a public policy poll which asks important questions such as:
“Do you believe that the growing nuclear weapon threat and escalating social and political unrest in Iran is directly related to gay sex orgies being conducted in the White House basement? And is John Boehner's tan hindering border control efforts in the U.S.???"
Election Central: Results are pouring in as the polls close and we're keeping a particularly close eye on a heated battle going on in the Wyoming Senate race. We’re also watching my co-host, Consuela Saalevraduena-Smith's, face melt under the hot stage lights here on the set.
For more insight we’re happy to be joined by political genius and space alien, James Carville. James, what are your thoughts about tonight’s key races?
Carville: Well, first of all, let me say that Consuela’s low cut top is nothing short of sensational.
Look, the voter is basically dumb and lazy. The reason I became a Democratic operative instead of a Republican was because there were more Democrats that didn't have a clue that there were Republicans.
For the longest time I didn't even know that my wife was a Republican...until I came home early one afternoon and caught her misting Congressman Bohner's back with spray-on tan.
Most voters don't know the difference between good (Democrats) and evil (Republicans.) It's my job to educate them...sort of like Yoda in Star Wars.
Election Central: Can you give us an example?
Carville: We did a mass mailer last week with a picture of Sarah Palin and assured voters that if she is elected she WILL eat their children.
Election Central: I see…and you have proof of this?
Carville: Of course I do but it’s none of your business. Sharing too much information is what loses elections.
Election Central: How’s that?
Carville: Because I said so. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to the space ship.
Election Central: For more insight, we’re now joined by former New Orleans Mayor, C. Ray Nagin. Mr. Mayor, what are your thoughts about the heated senate battle going on in Louisiana?
Nagin: Because I’m drunk right now but Crown Royal gives me unusually powerful analytical acumen. Look, we need to take back the Chocolate City.
Election Central: Are you feeling okay Mayor Nagin?
Nagin: Exactly WHAT are you accusing me of??? I’m fine but I’m very concerned about this tropical breeze. This is not a normal storm…it’s a special storm with voodoo powers.
I’ve also heard that it’s an extremely racist storm and is only targeting African American neighborhoods. I recommend that everyone evacuate immediately or the National Guard will be ordered to shoot everyone in the Gulf Coast states and then they will be ordered to burn their houses down.
Election Central: Mr. Mayor, thank you for, uh, your perspective. Joining us now for insight on the New York mayoral race is Reverend Jesse Jackson…Reverend Jackson what’s the impact of a republican win tonight?
Rev. Jackson: Burger King is a racist organization. Why can't we just stick to the issues here and talk about what's important tonight??
Election Central: What does any of that have to do with the New York mayoral race?
Rev. Jackson: I noticed that you put me on last for an interview...Hmmm…I wonder why that is??
Election Central: Uh, this is the only time that your aide indicated that you were available reverend.
Rev. Jackson: I also noticed that you just tried to change the subject by talking about my schedule.
Look, it’s clear that you’re a member of the KKK…I plan to speak about this to my congregation this Sunday and I'll urge them to boycott your network…as soon as I start a congregation.
I've become particularly amused by the vagueness in news reporting; all for the sake of being FIRST to “break” a story.
Anchor: We go now LIVE to Chip Woodsworth to the site of a major disaster unfolding right now! Chip, where are you and what can you tell us?
Chip: Well, Dick, we're broadcasting right now on a grainy, shaky satellite camera phone for dramatic effect. We're located near the disaster site somewhere between the 30th and 40th parallel where this terrible disaster is unfolding.
Anchor: Is that north or south latitude?
Chip: Sorry Dick, I should have clarified...it's SOUTH latitude. Had it been north latitude this terrible disaster would have been a MAJOR catastrophe!
Breaking news graphic and dramatic music sound effect
Anchor: This just in...Reporter Chip Woodsworth has just informed us that a MAJOR catastrophe has been averted at an undisclosed location somewhere on the planet. Chip, Have you spoken with any of the victims?
Chip: Yes, Dick, I have. They are obviously grief-stricken and in shock. This is one of the hardest assignments that I've ever had to do but, as you know, we sometimes have to get deep into the trenches amongst the people and get our hands dirty...which is why I'm standing above the disaster site on an elevated 8-million dollar platform which our engineers constructed this afternoon.
Anchor: I can see that you're wearing your Jones of New York brown sport coat with your shirt collar unbuttoned!
Chip: Yes...conditions here are deplorable!!! We don't even have a stylist on site!!!
We simply felt that it would be gaudy to roam around this disaster in suits. That's why I'm wearing Hilfiger jeans so I can blend in. You can rest assured that I will NOT leave the scene until we find out exactly what happened or why all of these people are dead.
I, personally, have not eaten for 3 hours and it was simply a warm brie with pear preserves on a tomato basil melba square!!
Anchor: Horrible!!!
Chip: This job is not always glamorous Dick.
Anchor: Stay safe Chip...we're all praying for you and the victims' families.
While there are many things which amuse me about soaking up today’s slick, high-tech news reporting, there’s nothing funnier than when a news anchor’s teleprompter dies:
Anchor: With the unemployment rate at 9.6 percent, lawmakers are looking for ways to create jobs. Republicans say tax cuts should be…um…well they, uh….er…the people on the side of the one aisle in Congress feel that….(nervous laugh) Well, darn it all, we’re having a bit of a technical glitch…and I’m not wearing pants under this news desk…We go now to political strategist James Carville for perspective.
Carville: George W. Bush is responsible for this teleprompter glitch, and the impending meteor which is barreling toward earth at 97-million miles per second.
By the way, is Consuela off tonight??
Informative, entertaining, damn good looking and, sometimes, downright absurd.
Anchor: Our top story tonight…network daredevil reporter, Chip Wordsworth...Uh, I'm sorry, they're telling me in my earpiece...WOODSWORTH. Chip has died.
Witnesses tell us that he apparently choked on a piece of melba & brie, causing him to lose his balance. Chip fell from an elevated news platform covering a major disaster in an undisclosed location.
Our judgmental, confrontational, accusatory secret investigation team of reporters, lead by Glenn Beck, are trying to confirm any connection to gay orgies at the White House and how this might have led to Miley Cyrus’ estrangement with her father.
Editor's Note: The slave laborers at Pontchartrain Press, along with a handful of people who work diligently to inspire Jim (hold him while he cries uncontrollably every night), are quite happy to take a shot of whiskey in your honour and bid you a very pleasant day...Unless you already have other plans.
Such a tragedy.
We live in an era like no other-- where amazing technological advances provide instant information about important stories and events which affect our daily lives and our personal well being…such as this earth shattering news scad:
“Where’s Obama’s Wedding Ring???”
(Insert gasp and ominous music here)
From Sunlen Miller of ABC News: For at least two days President Obama’s left hand has been unadorned by his wedding band. The White House said that beyond the typical cleaning that most rings get, Mr. Obama’s intricate gold ring needed a little repairing. White House aides declined to elaborate on what specifically was wrong with the ring.
I watched two talking heads speculate for about 4-minutes as to the whereabouts and significance of the missing ring; which I think provides a fairly clear perspective as to my having nothing particularly important to do with my time.
The news is delivered by people who appear as though they just stepped off the cover of a fashion magazine. Proof positive...have you watched Fox News lately?
I’ve never seen so much leg since I went to a strip club for my friend Troy‘s bachelor party.
Don’t get me wrong, I wish the Fox News ladies would deliver the news topless, but that's because I'm not a chauvinist and I'm politically correct. News babes are fantastic!
The news is delivered by people who appear as though they just stepped off the cover of a fashion magazine. Proof positive...have you watched Fox News lately?
I’ve never seen so much leg since I went to a strip club for my friend Troy‘s bachelor party.
Don’t get me wrong, I wish the Fox News ladies would deliver the news topless, but that's because I'm not a chauvinist and I'm politically correct. News babes are fantastic!
My point being, these people don’t even look real!! I’m convinced that they unplug the anchors after the cameras stop rolling.
As a matter of fact, I feel sorry for the poor set maintenance guy who’s in charge of unplugging the news anchors at the end of the day.
News Director: Dammit Frank…you left Allison plugged in again all night!
Frank: Sorry sir, I got distracted when Jon, the mid-day anchor, began to loosen up and his posture became somewhat slumped. He was able to actually move his head like a normal human so we used the Peaucellier linkage rhombus method and fixed him…now he’s as straight as Anderson Cooper.
News Director: Anderson Cooper is straight???
Everything revolves around sensationalism in today’s electronic media:
Anchor: We go now to Susan Wolffe for a breaking story…Susan, we’ve noticed that President Obama has been without his wedding band for a couple of days.
Susan: That’s right Bill. The White House is saying that the president is simply having his ring cleaned and repaired.
Anchor: Hmmm. Susan, did you get the feeling that the White House’s response indicates that the president is, in fact, hosting gay orgies in a secret subterranean room within the White House, because, I must say, their statement to the media sounds rather fishy to me.
Susan: Absolutely Bill and that’s very observant of you. We tracked down the press secretary and asked him why the president is wearing more pastel ties and using the word “fabulous” a lot lately.
Anchor: I see…and did they give you any indication that the president is indeed sleeping with British Prime Minister David Cameron??
Susan: We showed him a tape of the recent meeting between the President and Prime Minister Cameron and pointed out that they shared an uncomfortably lengthy hug in the East Room at their press conference.
Anchor: I saw that video too! Coupled with the OBVIOUS signal that the president is sending out to the gay community by not wearing his ring, I'd say the White House is CLEARLY hiding something. What was his response?
Susan: He asked us to leave. And then he skipped away.
Anchor: Great reporting on our top story and an obviously developing sex scandal; thanks Susan. In other news, three soldiers were injured today in Iraq…
Election coverage is always entertaining…the Olympics of absurdity and over-analyzed information if you will.
Speaking of politics, did you know that Speaker of The House, John Boehner (somehow pronounced Bainer) has become a topic of conversation amongst politicos due to his unnatural tan? WHO CARES?
If someone prefers to glow with a rich and deep hue of Kool-Aid orange-flavored juice who am I to stop him or her?
They actually send out a public policy poll which asks important questions such as:
“Do you believe that the growing nuclear weapon threat and escalating social and political unrest in Iran is directly related to gay sex orgies being conducted in the White House basement? And is John Boehner's tan hindering border control efforts in the U.S.???"
Election Central: Results are pouring in as the polls close and we're keeping a particularly close eye on a heated battle going on in the Wyoming Senate race. We’re also watching my co-host, Consuela Saalevraduena-Smith's, face melt under the hot stage lights here on the set.
For more insight we’re happy to be joined by political genius and space alien, James Carville. James, what are your thoughts about tonight’s key races?
Carville: Well, first of all, let me say that Consuela’s low cut top is nothing short of sensational.
Look, the voter is basically dumb and lazy. The reason I became a Democratic operative instead of a Republican was because there were more Democrats that didn't have a clue that there were Republicans.
For the longest time I didn't even know that my wife was a Republican...until I came home early one afternoon and caught her misting Congressman Bohner's back with spray-on tan.
Most voters don't know the difference between good (Democrats) and evil (Republicans.) It's my job to educate them...sort of like Yoda in Star Wars.
Election Central: Can you give us an example?
Carville: We did a mass mailer last week with a picture of Sarah Palin and assured voters that if she is elected she WILL eat their children.
Election Central: I see…and you have proof of this?
Carville: Of course I do but it’s none of your business. Sharing too much information is what loses elections.
Election Central: How’s that?
Carville: Because I said so. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to the space ship.
 |
| James Carville |
Nagin: The tropical breeze brewing in the South Pacific will most likely KILL everyone on the Gulf Coast…TOMORROW!
Election Central: The South Pacific is nowhere near the Gulf Coast-- what’s the basis of your assertion??
Nagin: Because I’m drunk right now but Crown Royal gives me unusually powerful analytical acumen. Look, we need to take back the Chocolate City.
Election Central: Are you feeling okay Mayor Nagin?
Nagin: Exactly WHAT are you accusing me of??? I’m fine but I’m very concerned about this tropical breeze. This is not a normal storm…it’s a special storm with voodoo powers.
I’ve also heard that it’s an extremely racist storm and is only targeting African American neighborhoods. I recommend that everyone evacuate immediately or the National Guard will be ordered to shoot everyone in the Gulf Coast states and then they will be ordered to burn their houses down.
Election Central: Mr. Mayor, thank you for, uh, your perspective. Joining us now for insight on the New York mayoral race is Reverend Jesse Jackson…Reverend Jackson what’s the impact of a republican win tonight?
Rev. Jackson: Burger King is a racist organization. Why can't we just stick to the issues here and talk about what's important tonight??
Election Central: What does any of that have to do with the New York mayoral race?
Rev. Jackson: I noticed that you put me on last for an interview...Hmmm…I wonder why that is??
Election Central: Uh, this is the only time that your aide indicated that you were available reverend.
Rev. Jackson: I also noticed that you just tried to change the subject by talking about my schedule.
Look, it’s clear that you’re a member of the KKK…I plan to speak about this to my congregation this Sunday and I'll urge them to boycott your network…as soon as I start a congregation.
I've become particularly amused by the vagueness in news reporting; all for the sake of being FIRST to “break” a story.
Anchor: We go now LIVE to Chip Woodsworth to the site of a major disaster unfolding right now! Chip, where are you and what can you tell us?
Chip: Well, Dick, we're broadcasting right now on a grainy, shaky satellite camera phone for dramatic effect. We're located near the disaster site somewhere between the 30th and 40th parallel where this terrible disaster is unfolding.
Anchor: Is that north or south latitude?
Chip: Sorry Dick, I should have clarified...it's SOUTH latitude. Had it been north latitude this terrible disaster would have been a MAJOR catastrophe!
Breaking news graphic and dramatic music sound effect
Anchor: This just in...Reporter Chip Woodsworth has just informed us that a MAJOR catastrophe has been averted at an undisclosed location somewhere on the planet. Chip, Have you spoken with any of the victims?
Chip: Yes, Dick, I have. They are obviously grief-stricken and in shock. This is one of the hardest assignments that I've ever had to do but, as you know, we sometimes have to get deep into the trenches amongst the people and get our hands dirty...which is why I'm standing above the disaster site on an elevated 8-million dollar platform which our engineers constructed this afternoon.
Anchor: I can see that you're wearing your Jones of New York brown sport coat with your shirt collar unbuttoned!
Chip: Yes...conditions here are deplorable!!! We don't even have a stylist on site!!!
We simply felt that it would be gaudy to roam around this disaster in suits. That's why I'm wearing Hilfiger jeans so I can blend in. You can rest assured that I will NOT leave the scene until we find out exactly what happened or why all of these people are dead.
I, personally, have not eaten for 3 hours and it was simply a warm brie with pear preserves on a tomato basil melba square!!
Anchor: Horrible!!!
Chip: This job is not always glamorous Dick.
Anchor: Stay safe Chip...we're all praying for you and the victims' families.
While there are many things which amuse me about soaking up today’s slick, high-tech news reporting, there’s nothing funnier than when a news anchor’s teleprompter dies:
Anchor: With the unemployment rate at 9.6 percent, lawmakers are looking for ways to create jobs. Republicans say tax cuts should be…um…well they, uh….er…the people on the side of the one aisle in Congress feel that….(nervous laugh) Well, darn it all, we’re having a bit of a technical glitch…and I’m not wearing pants under this news desk…We go now to political strategist James Carville for perspective.
Carville: George W. Bush is responsible for this teleprompter glitch, and the impending meteor which is barreling toward earth at 97-million miles per second.
By the way, is Consuela off tonight??
Informative, entertaining, damn good looking and, sometimes, downright absurd.
Anchor: Our top story tonight…network daredevil reporter, Chip Wordsworth...Uh, I'm sorry, they're telling me in my earpiece...WOODSWORTH. Chip has died.
Witnesses tell us that he apparently choked on a piece of melba & brie, causing him to lose his balance. Chip fell from an elevated news platform covering a major disaster in an undisclosed location.
Our judgmental, confrontational, accusatory secret investigation team of reporters, lead by Glenn Beck, are trying to confirm any connection to gay orgies at the White House and how this might have led to Miley Cyrus’ estrangement with her father.
copyright Pontchartrain Press 2010
Editor's Note: The slave laborers at Pontchartrain Press, along with a handful of people who work diligently to inspire Jim (hold him while he cries uncontrollably every night), are quite happy to take a shot of whiskey in your honour and bid you a very pleasant day...Unless you already have other plans.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
DON'T Read This!!
It seems that people become unusually melancholy between Summer and Fall. Some believe that it has something to do with lunar activity or earth’s changing axis, thus shorter daylight hours. I blame global warming® because it makes me sound fashionable.
I’ve been chatting recently with some friends who seem especially down these days and it prompted me to solicit their assistance for a personal view of what they believe happiness really is. For some, it’s passing an exam, for others it might be taking a walk with their child on a lazy afternoon in the park.
Here’s a few responses that I received from friends as a contribution to this piece: (I've also included a few of my own)
Happiness Is…
Sean: Seeing a child’s face light up when you hand him/her a strawberry ice cream cone and then snatch it away, eating it instantly while they cry uncontrollably. (I’m kidding…I hate strawberry ice cream…and kids)
Lynn: Grocery shopping with a friend while dressed as Kenny Rogers & Dolly Parton while singing “Islands in the Stream” throughout the store for no apparent reason.
JIM: Stabbing people who actually utter the acronym “WTF!” in a face to face conversation. Then, while standing over their lifeless body in a filthy, desolate alleyway, I scream back to them OMG, LMFAO!! TTYL!
Mark: Petting a pretty kitten. And then shaking hands with your boss who has a severe, debilitating allergy to cat hair. And then kick him in the balls.
Steve: Witnessing public speaking faux pas’ (I’m looking in the direction of the Arizona Governor)
Heather: The closing credits of Glen Beck’s Fox News program.
Shannon: (My neighbor) Experiencing a passionate encounter of unadulterated sex.
JIM: Being able to slip away un-noticed from your neighbor’s closet after witnessing a passionate encounter of unadulterated sex.
Matt: The peace and tranquility when the construction crew jack-hammering, which awakens you each morning, is ordered to cease operations indefinitely because Immigration Agents have raided the worksite.
Todd: The way a new romantic interest gazes into your eyes lovingly as you breathe a sigh of relief, realizing that you seem to have been successful in making them believe that you’re not a sexual deviant, at least long enough to see her naked.
Jamie: Giving sage, comforting advice to a friend who is feeling down.
JIM: Realizing that it’s time to find a new circle of friends.
I have a friend, we’ll call her Lynn (primarily because her name is Lynn). She called me after suffering for an entire day from an inexplicable case of the blahs. I spent a few moments with her on the phone, mainly because I was waiting for the bartender to change the Guinness keg, and offered her an exercise in treating the blahs. Rearrange your house!
I advised her to take a label maker (post-it notes will also work) and label everything in the house, then rearrange it alphabetically. (clockwise, beginning at the front door) Afterwards, go out and pick up a one night stand to bring home for cheap, meaningless “love” on top of a pile of Brillo Pads.
*They will be closer to the front door
Afterwards, ask your random sexual conquest if they can help scrub the bathtub.
**Also near the door
Stress, stress, stress. My friend Tony is always uptight about something, which makes him an easy target for fun. One night me and the guys took Tony out on the town and got him drunk and then convinced him that someone had stolen his glove compartment. Talk about jumpy…and gullible.
I have some friends who seem impervious to the blahs. I don’t know how they do it, but I’m quite impressed. My friend Carrie noticed that I was in a funk this week when she proudly showed me a new fart “App” that she downloaded to her phone. I don’t know which was most disturbing- that she actually downloaded a fart “App” or that I listened to all 20 farts. It chased away the blues though…and a few people sitting nearby.
I suppose I’m most happiest while taking in a nice afternoon stroll, observing the world and its occupants around me. I also enjoy it when someone falls off a bicycle…there’s no graceful way to fall off a bicycle and it makes me laugh every time. I also enjoy interacting with many interesting people who not only take time to read my writing, but make time to send me an email.
Reader comment: "Your posts are too long for lazy people to read the whole thing in one sitting.Cheers"
Jim: You're correct...my writings are rather long, but it's all part of my master plan to weed out the lazy people.
Me and my team plan to round up all the lazy people (we'll identify them because they will be the ones who don't read an entire story in one sitting) and then we'll put them on a rocket ship and shoot them into space.
Only, we won't randomly shoot them into space, that would be lazy. We will shoot them into the trajectory of an errant meteor where the rocket ship and meteor will collide...killing all on board. (note: the meteor may sustain slight damage, but nothing major that will impede its progress of smashing into earth and triggering another ice age.)
No one will hear the incident because, as they say, in space no one can hear you scream.
I've been told that there are a lot of lazy people in space also...which explains why none of the other planets have been developed with viable infrastructures.
By the way, in case another ice age does, in fact, occur, I have purchased an underground bunker in Wyoming...you or any of your friends are welcome to stay there if you want.
Thanks for reading my stuff and remember, if you didn't read it in one sitting, we'll know… WE’LL KNOW.
Now that we’ve, hopefully, chased away some of the blahs, I bid you a happy day filled with… something deep and poetic which I should insert here.
For the lazy, soon to be rocket ship victims, this piece is only 1,040 words and unedited. Mike “The Editor” is off this week undergoing a personality transplant procedure.
Countdown: three, two, 1,040.
copyright Pontchartrain Press 2010
Author's Note: This note does NOT count toward the 1,040 words...so shut up! This little piece is dedicated to one of the best friends money can buy...wait, that's not what I meant. This is for Rikki. I hope it made you smile but, most importantly, I hope you know what a shining light you are to so many people. I thank you.
I’ve been chatting recently with some friends who seem especially down these days and it prompted me to solicit their assistance for a personal view of what they believe happiness really is. For some, it’s passing an exam, for others it might be taking a walk with their child on a lazy afternoon in the park.
Here’s a few responses that I received from friends as a contribution to this piece: (I've also included a few of my own)
Happiness Is…
Sean: Seeing a child’s face light up when you hand him/her a strawberry ice cream cone and then snatch it away, eating it instantly while they cry uncontrollably. (I’m kidding…I hate strawberry ice cream…and kids)
Lynn: Grocery shopping with a friend while dressed as Kenny Rogers & Dolly Parton while singing “Islands in the Stream” throughout the store for no apparent reason.
JIM: Stabbing people who actually utter the acronym “WTF!” in a face to face conversation. Then, while standing over their lifeless body in a filthy, desolate alleyway, I scream back to them OMG, LMFAO!! TTYL!
Mark: Petting a pretty kitten. And then shaking hands with your boss who has a severe, debilitating allergy to cat hair. And then kick him in the balls.
Steve: Witnessing public speaking faux pas’ (I’m looking in the direction of the Arizona Governor)
Heather: The closing credits of Glen Beck’s Fox News program.
Shannon: (My neighbor) Experiencing a passionate encounter of unadulterated sex.
JIM: Being able to slip away un-noticed from your neighbor’s closet after witnessing a passionate encounter of unadulterated sex.
Matt: The peace and tranquility when the construction crew jack-hammering, which awakens you each morning, is ordered to cease operations indefinitely because Immigration Agents have raided the worksite.
Todd: The way a new romantic interest gazes into your eyes lovingly as you breathe a sigh of relief, realizing that you seem to have been successful in making them believe that you’re not a sexual deviant, at least long enough to see her naked.
Jamie: Giving sage, comforting advice to a friend who is feeling down.
JIM: Realizing that it’s time to find a new circle of friends.
I have a friend, we’ll call her Lynn (primarily because her name is Lynn). She called me after suffering for an entire day from an inexplicable case of the blahs. I spent a few moments with her on the phone, mainly because I was waiting for the bartender to change the Guinness keg, and offered her an exercise in treating the blahs. Rearrange your house!
I advised her to take a label maker (post-it notes will also work) and label everything in the house, then rearrange it alphabetically. (clockwise, beginning at the front door) Afterwards, go out and pick up a one night stand to bring home for cheap, meaningless “love” on top of a pile of Brillo Pads.
*They will be closer to the front door
Afterwards, ask your random sexual conquest if they can help scrub the bathtub.
**Also near the door
Stress, stress, stress. My friend Tony is always uptight about something, which makes him an easy target for fun. One night me and the guys took Tony out on the town and got him drunk and then convinced him that someone had stolen his glove compartment. Talk about jumpy…and gullible.
I have some friends who seem impervious to the blahs. I don’t know how they do it, but I’m quite impressed. My friend Carrie noticed that I was in a funk this week when she proudly showed me a new fart “App” that she downloaded to her phone. I don’t know which was most disturbing- that she actually downloaded a fart “App” or that I listened to all 20 farts. It chased away the blues though…and a few people sitting nearby.
I suppose I’m most happiest while taking in a nice afternoon stroll, observing the world and its occupants around me. I also enjoy it when someone falls off a bicycle…there’s no graceful way to fall off a bicycle and it makes me laugh every time. I also enjoy interacting with many interesting people who not only take time to read my writing, but make time to send me an email.
Reader comment: "Your posts are too long for lazy people to read the whole thing in one sitting.Cheers"
Jim: You're correct...my writings are rather long, but it's all part of my master plan to weed out the lazy people.
Me and my team plan to round up all the lazy people (we'll identify them because they will be the ones who don't read an entire story in one sitting) and then we'll put them on a rocket ship and shoot them into space.
Only, we won't randomly shoot them into space, that would be lazy. We will shoot them into the trajectory of an errant meteor where the rocket ship and meteor will collide...killing all on board. (note: the meteor may sustain slight damage, but nothing major that will impede its progress of smashing into earth and triggering another ice age.)
No one will hear the incident because, as they say, in space no one can hear you scream.
I've been told that there are a lot of lazy people in space also...which explains why none of the other planets have been developed with viable infrastructures.
By the way, in case another ice age does, in fact, occur, I have purchased an underground bunker in Wyoming...you or any of your friends are welcome to stay there if you want.
Thanks for reading my stuff and remember, if you didn't read it in one sitting, we'll know… WE’LL KNOW.
Now that we’ve, hopefully, chased away some of the blahs, I bid you a happy day filled with… something deep and poetic which I should insert here.
For the lazy, soon to be rocket ship victims, this piece is only 1,040 words and unedited. Mike “The Editor” is off this week undergoing a personality transplant procedure.
Countdown: three, two, 1,040.
copyright Pontchartrain Press 2010
Author's Note: This note does NOT count toward the 1,040 words...so shut up! This little piece is dedicated to one of the best friends money can buy...wait, that's not what I meant. This is for Rikki. I hope it made you smile but, most importantly, I hope you know what a shining light you are to so many people. I thank you.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
I Like To Rite...uh, Wright, er, Write! RIGHT?
I get “de-friended” a lot on Facebook, which makes me sad. Mainly because de-friended and Facebook aren’t even REAL dictionary words.
It stirs memories of when the neighborhood association asked if I’d like to join their board. This pretty much speaks to their lenient member acceptance policy and it might explain why our neighborhood association didn‘t accomplish much.
Those meetings were incredibly boring. All they did was sit around griping about some guy who never mowed his yard or some redneck who erected a wagon wheel mailbox.
Honestly, I felt that Jameson on the rocks would make these meetings far more interesting. They held a different opinion which, I think, makes them fairly closed minded. So…I took my whiskey and went home.
I always seem to cause trouble via the written form of social communication, thus the primary reason why I dislike sending letters, responding to emails and generally responding to any message…people tend to misread them.
I’m especially bad at communicating via text messages.
It's virtually impossible to communicate nuances and inflection via text message since space is limited. C'mon, I need a canvas to effectively paint a picture…HOW can people expect me to work well under such a creativity stifling cloud??? OMG!!
My friend Amanda is a writer and a very effective and brilliant communicator. She also has gigantic breasts. I'm not sure how that last fact is relevant to this story...but it just came to mind
However, since I’ve known her, she tends to take things personally and then ends up thinking that people are always mad at her.
If you ask me, I think that she was probably beaten with sticks by the other children when she was younger.
Amanda: Hey…u watchin’ the game 2nite at the pub??
Me: Yep
Amanda: What’s wrong : ( Ru mad @me???
Me: uh…no.
Amanda: U seemed short w/ur txt
Me: Oh, sorry, was just answering your question but I foolishly overlooked the real question behind the question. I meant that I fully intend to watch the match between the Saints of New Orleans and the Patriots who hail from an area which can only be described as our great nation’s cradle of liberty…the majestic land of New England.
Of course, as history notes, some residents of early New England were sociopaths but they knew how to throw a party.
BTW, Today I found myself wishing that they‘d bring back burning people at the stake as a means of punishment.
Anyway, I very much look forward to the game; but not as much as I greatly anticipate seeing your radiant smile and crystal bright blue eyes. Even the most beautiful Shakespearean sonnet pales by comparison to the magnificence which lights up a room simply by your very presence.
I would text message my favorite sonnet but I don’t really want to send 14 txts since I’m almost over my limit and AT & T charges about $750.00 per txt after that.
I hope that we can hold each other tight throughout the entire game tonight, as though we’re exchanging body heat to survive sub-zero temperatures on an Andean mountainside after a terrible plane crash.
We’ll only release our embrace long enough to take a sip of beer here and there. By the way, if we WERE stranded on an Andean mountainside, I promise that I would NEVER entertain the thought of killing and eating your body in order to survive.
It was quite negligent of me to answer your previous question with such a flippant and angry txt such as “yep.” What time do you plan to arrive at the pub?? And, will you be topless? Xoxo
Amanda: 6pm...Smartass
Me: R U mad at me?
I finally checked my email this week. I usually check it every 5 or 6 months just to stay on top of things.
I made the mistake of signing up for CNN email alerts…I’m not quite sure why I thought that was a good idea since I have about a thousand emails promoting topics being covered on the Nancy Grace Show.
Nancy Grace reminds me of that crazy aunt that comes over for Christmas dinner…even if it’s not Christmas.
My friend Craig is cool and I like to hang out with him at the pub because it reminds me that I would make a far better liver donor than he.
I haven’t seen Craig in a while, which prompted him to send me an email.
From: Craig craig248@gmail.com
To: Jim pontchartrainpress@gmail.com
Date: 12 August 2010
Subj:: Whatup??
Havent seen u out in a while...gonna get out later or r u just gonna be lazy 2nite and sit around?
From: Jim pontchartrainpress@gmail.com
To: Craig craig248@gmail.com
Date: 26 August 2010
Re: re: Whatup??
Whew!! Sorry for the delay in getting back with you Craig.
Actually I did not, in fact, get out on 12 August nor was I being lazy.
Me and Pete, the guy who got drunk and went to the bathroom on your couch last year, have been constructing a hot air balloon made from Hefty® 4-ply trash bags.
The neighbor’s kid on South Cortez Street is having a birthday party and we’re gonna surprise the kids by flying overhead and drop Mike & Ike® candies from above. I stole them from the radio station.
I didn’t feel bad about taking them since my boss was a ginormous tool-box…plus they’ve been giving them out to children since that Halloween promotion from 4-years ago.
I don’t think Mike & Ike’s® go bad though since no one is really sure what they’re made of. Kind of like Cher©
Pete thinks we should go to Rouse’s and buy a bunch of Sushi instead since it would be healthier for the kids.
He always gets the California Rolls and we argue all the time about it because everyone knows that a California Roll is not really sushi as much as a ”prop” to make people who are scared of sushi to look “hip“…even though they look like an alcoholic suffering from DT‘s trying to use chopsticks.
By the way that reminds me, Pete is drinking heavily again.
To make a long story short...I’ve never understood the concept of imitation crab in the California Roll. I once asked an imitation crab fisherman and he explained that it’s cheaper and safer to consume for those with shellfish allergies.
I thanked him for the explanation and then I poked him with a stick-pin and he deflated and I folded him up and handed him over to his imitation crab fisherman first mate.
Most people are scared of eating raw fish…not me. Unless it’s a Stonefish.
Pete suggested that we should check prices on Stonefish because it has a cool name and might better impress the kids, until I explained to him that they have potent neurotoxins secreted from glands at the base of their needle-like dorsal fin spines which stick up when disturbed or threatened and that they are the world’s deadliest species of fish.
Pete just stared at me for a moment and agreed that Mike & Ike’s® would be a safer bet.
Soooo…to make a longer story shorter, what are you doing Friday? Wanna get out and kick-it??
Craig usually nervously laughs at my silliness and pretends that I'm normal, which is good, because he's about 4-times my size and looks like a WWE wrestler and could kill me with his thumbnail.
Earlier this year I found an email from my buddy Jeff, who also happens to be fortunate enough to be my landlord. I say fortunate because, as opposed to his other tenants, he only has to remind me 7 or 8 times that my rent is due.
From: Jeff Jeffery69@yahoo.com
To: Jim Pontchartrainpress@gmail.com
Date: 12 April 2010
Subj: WTF???
VERY FUNNY putting my name on the Justin Bieber email fan list!! Hahahaha.
Hey, I’m gonna be over from the Northshore 2mrrw…you think you can meet me so I can get the rent? Or just leave it in the top cabinet outside the laundry room?? It’s only 12 days late dude. Lemme know ASAP.
From: Jim Pontchartrainpress@gmail.com
To: Jeff Jeffery69@yahoo.com
Date: 12 April 2010
Subj: re:WTF???
Sorry I’m late…I completely forgot the date for rent.
I tend to block things out of my mind on or about the 1st of each month because, as you know, I was married in 1999.
On the surface that doesn’t appear to have anything to do with the 1st of the month, so I'll quickly explain.
One of my ex-wife’s favorite songs was from Bones Thugs -n- Harmony, which should have been my first warning sign.
At any rate, the song “First of tha Month” was widely popular about the time we got married.
We had a very nice marriage but, as these things sometimes go, we grew apart. I suppose I feel a certain sense of failure for not being able to save the marriage so the Bones/Thugs song reminds me of a period that I‘m trying to block from my mind..which, unfortunately, coincides with rent due date.
I also try to block the period around each Flag Day from my mind, which centers around a story about my friend Kenny (he's no longer with us) but that's a reeeal long story.
BTW, did you know that the title of the Bones/Thugs song specifically references waiting on line at the welfare office? I always enjoyed watching VH1’s “Pop Up Video” didn’t you?
I’ll leave the rent check in the box outside the laundry room. Heads-up…The next door neighbor is probably going to want to talk with you.
My buddies Todd and Ed came over yesterday afternoon to watch a baseball game. Everyone always brings something to eat and Ed brought Mulligatawny soup.
Ed is a chef at a snobby restaurant that none of us can afford and he always has to show off. Todd brought a beef and bean casserole with a spicy (and tasty) Rotel cheese dip and Fritos Scoops…Of course he also brought his annoying girlfriend who got drunk and puked on the living room rug.
Sadly, I couldn’t prepare a dish because I don’t have any money left since I have to give it all to you for rent.
Anyway, we gave some of the mulligatawny and the Rotel cheese dip to the neighbor’s dog and I suppose it was so spicy that the dog just went crazy; he began running in circles trying to find some water and ran into the road where he was hit by a Fed-X truck.
The dog is gonna be okay but the neighbor said something to the effect that he planned to have a conversation with you.
I can’t remember exactly how he worded it because he was yelling and saying a bunch of dirty words and I was fairly drunk.
Anywhooo...I guess I’ll see you tomorrow so you can take all of my money. BTW, I’ve attached a picture of the front gate…Do you know who these belong to??
There are some instances where a personal visit, rather than a letter, is unavoidable…the DMV license renewal notice being a prime example.
I absolutely HATE my driver’s license picture. I would be happy to pay extra if they’d hire Olan Mills or Glamour Shots to come in and do the shoot.
Sure, I know that they’ll force me to pose with my hand randomly positioned on my chin so that I look like I’m studiously in deep thought about nothing in particular or staring to the distance looking at absolutely nothing; at least I won’t look like a suspected pedophile in a police lineup.
When I went in for my license picture recently I politely asked if they could use a soft lens and aim a box-fan toward me so that I might look like I’m walking down the beach. They axed that idea so then I asked if I needed to disrobe.
For the record, it took forever getting my picture snapped because, as I announced to the photographer, I simply needed to know my “motivation” so that I could strike the appropriate pose.
The state trooper was quite helpful in explaining my “motivation” and we snapped the picture.
By the way, the state trooper was quite an effective communicator.
And, once again, I'm stuck with a pic which makes me look like I should be driving a windowless van near the school playground for a few more years.
I get “E-Vites” all the time and it still amazes me that we live in an age where one can send invitations instantly and effortlessly. Actually it amazes me more so that I still receive invitations to events.
There’s a lot of pressure associated with being the recipient of the E-vite…especially in responding. Typically, you have limited reply avenues:
Will you be attending Julie and Tim’s housewarming party?
Yes
No
Maybe
The correct answer is always “NO”
“Maybe” indicates that you’re stalling for time in order to come up with a believable excuse not to attend...so it’s ultimately a wishy-washy "Soft NO.” **
**(Note: Professional politicians covet the word "maybe")
I usually just ignore the e-vite and, after a few weeks pass, tell the person that I just now got email access back since my house burned down and then I send them a toaster oven.
One final piece of unfinished business online in the correspondence department which involves my ongoing torture of Mike "The Editor."
Welcome to Hookup.com a place where millions of singles & swingers are at your fingertips. Meet real people with verified contact info near New Orleans. Share sexy pics, explore erotic fantasies and have a hookup RIGHT NOW using our live video webcam chat. Get laid today!!!
Member- Anastasia694u has sent you a message: Hey Mike…I saw where you live nearby, can you send me a pic and details?? Your profile just listed your location and age.
Member- Bi Mike469: Hey Anastasia. I live Uptown and am hot, horney and ready to please!!! Mmmm!
I’m an editor for a small publishing house plus I write speeches for a very important state official so I’m real discreet.
Btw...It’s okay for you to contact me at work (at the number in my profile) because I trust you.
I’m looking for a bondage encounter between me, my girlfriend (Emily) you and, possibly, a guy named Kevin.
Kevin is my assistant editor who has an abnormal attraction to 1970's television action series black actresses. Do you own an afro-wig by chance?
BTW, Emily will probably answer the phone at the number in my profile, but it’s perfectly okay for you to tell her who you are. Don't worry if she acts surprised and begins to yell...she's got an anger fetish.
Anyway…I’ve attached a photo per your request…I had a self portrait sketched on Navy Pier last year on my trip to Chicago. Talk to you soon. Also, you can reach me on my personal cell.(that's the second number in my profile)
Mike should have his hands full for a while now so maybe he'll leave me alone.
There are many forms of written communication-- email, text, Facebook, Twitter, blah blah blah.
Call me silly if you will...but my favorite form of communication still involves pen, paper and a blank canvas...
OH NO!!!!!!!!!!
copyright Pontchartrain Press 2010
Author's note: Thanks to everyone who has read this crap from week to week. Your emails and in-person comments have been an inspiration...more than you know.
I shall stop short of hugging you...unless you have very large breasts and promise to press them against me.
Now go email bomb my friend Craig! Tell him that you saw his profile on Craigslist "casual encounters" swinger section and that you want to see him in his tight, outdated "nut-shorts."
It'll be fun and will, hopefully, embarass him to the point that he'll STOP wearing them in public. hehehe
It stirs memories of when the neighborhood association asked if I’d like to join their board. This pretty much speaks to their lenient member acceptance policy and it might explain why our neighborhood association didn‘t accomplish much.
Those meetings were incredibly boring. All they did was sit around griping about some guy who never mowed his yard or some redneck who erected a wagon wheel mailbox.
Honestly, I felt that Jameson on the rocks would make these meetings far more interesting. They held a different opinion which, I think, makes them fairly closed minded. So…I took my whiskey and went home.
I always seem to cause trouble via the written form of social communication, thus the primary reason why I dislike sending letters, responding to emails and generally responding to any message…people tend to misread them.
I’m especially bad at communicating via text messages.
It's virtually impossible to communicate nuances and inflection via text message since space is limited. C'mon, I need a canvas to effectively paint a picture…HOW can people expect me to work well under such a creativity stifling cloud??? OMG!!
My friend Amanda is a writer and a very effective and brilliant communicator. She also has gigantic breasts. I'm not sure how that last fact is relevant to this story...but it just came to mind
However, since I’ve known her, she tends to take things personally and then ends up thinking that people are always mad at her.
If you ask me, I think that she was probably beaten with sticks by the other children when she was younger.
Amanda: Hey…u watchin’ the game 2nite at the pub??
Me: Yep
Amanda: What’s wrong : ( Ru mad @me???
Me: uh…no.
Amanda: U seemed short w/ur txt
Me: Oh, sorry, was just answering your question but I foolishly overlooked the real question behind the question. I meant that I fully intend to watch the match between the Saints of New Orleans and the Patriots who hail from an area which can only be described as our great nation’s cradle of liberty…the majestic land of New England.
Of course, as history notes, some residents of early New England were sociopaths but they knew how to throw a party.
BTW, Today I found myself wishing that they‘d bring back burning people at the stake as a means of punishment.
Anyway, I very much look forward to the game; but not as much as I greatly anticipate seeing your radiant smile and crystal bright blue eyes. Even the most beautiful Shakespearean sonnet pales by comparison to the magnificence which lights up a room simply by your very presence.
I would text message my favorite sonnet but I don’t really want to send 14 txts since I’m almost over my limit and AT & T charges about $750.00 per txt after that.
I hope that we can hold each other tight throughout the entire game tonight, as though we’re exchanging body heat to survive sub-zero temperatures on an Andean mountainside after a terrible plane crash.
We’ll only release our embrace long enough to take a sip of beer here and there. By the way, if we WERE stranded on an Andean mountainside, I promise that I would NEVER entertain the thought of killing and eating your body in order to survive.
It was quite negligent of me to answer your previous question with such a flippant and angry txt such as “yep.” What time do you plan to arrive at the pub?? And, will you be topless? Xoxo
Amanda: 6pm...Smartass
Me: R U mad at me?
 |
| This is Amanda. I love to sit across from her and write...all day long! |
I finally checked my email this week. I usually check it every 5 or 6 months just to stay on top of things.
I made the mistake of signing up for CNN email alerts…I’m not quite sure why I thought that was a good idea since I have about a thousand emails promoting topics being covered on the Nancy Grace Show.
Nancy Grace reminds me of that crazy aunt that comes over for Christmas dinner…even if it’s not Christmas.
My friend Craig is cool and I like to hang out with him at the pub because it reminds me that I would make a far better liver donor than he.
I haven’t seen Craig in a while, which prompted him to send me an email.
From: Craig craig248@gmail.com
To: Jim pontchartrainpress@gmail.com
Date: 12 August 2010
Subj:: Whatup??
Havent seen u out in a while...gonna get out later or r u just gonna be lazy 2nite and sit around?
From: Jim pontchartrainpress@gmail.com
To: Craig craig248@gmail.com
Date: 26 August 2010
Re: re: Whatup??
Whew!! Sorry for the delay in getting back with you Craig.
Actually I did not, in fact, get out on 12 August nor was I being lazy.
Me and Pete, the guy who got drunk and went to the bathroom on your couch last year, have been constructing a hot air balloon made from Hefty® 4-ply trash bags.
The neighbor’s kid on South Cortez Street is having a birthday party and we’re gonna surprise the kids by flying overhead and drop Mike & Ike® candies from above. I stole them from the radio station.
I didn’t feel bad about taking them since my boss was a ginormous tool-box…plus they’ve been giving them out to children since that Halloween promotion from 4-years ago.
I don’t think Mike & Ike’s® go bad though since no one is really sure what they’re made of. Kind of like Cher©
Pete thinks we should go to Rouse’s and buy a bunch of Sushi instead since it would be healthier for the kids.
He always gets the California Rolls and we argue all the time about it because everyone knows that a California Roll is not really sushi as much as a ”prop” to make people who are scared of sushi to look “hip“…even though they look like an alcoholic suffering from DT‘s trying to use chopsticks.
By the way that reminds me, Pete is drinking heavily again.
To make a long story short...I’ve never understood the concept of imitation crab in the California Roll. I once asked an imitation crab fisherman and he explained that it’s cheaper and safer to consume for those with shellfish allergies.
I thanked him for the explanation and then I poked him with a stick-pin and he deflated and I folded him up and handed him over to his imitation crab fisherman first mate.
Most people are scared of eating raw fish…not me. Unless it’s a Stonefish.
Pete suggested that we should check prices on Stonefish because it has a cool name and might better impress the kids, until I explained to him that they have potent neurotoxins secreted from glands at the base of their needle-like dorsal fin spines which stick up when disturbed or threatened and that they are the world’s deadliest species of fish.
Pete just stared at me for a moment and agreed that Mike & Ike’s® would be a safer bet.
Soooo…to make a longer story shorter, what are you doing Friday? Wanna get out and kick-it??
Craig usually nervously laughs at my silliness and pretends that I'm normal, which is good, because he's about 4-times my size and looks like a WWE wrestler and could kill me with his thumbnail.
Earlier this year I found an email from my buddy Jeff, who also happens to be fortunate enough to be my landlord. I say fortunate because, as opposed to his other tenants, he only has to remind me 7 or 8 times that my rent is due.
From: Jeff Jeffery69@yahoo.com
To: Jim Pontchartrainpress@gmail.com
Date: 12 April 2010
Subj: WTF???
VERY FUNNY putting my name on the Justin Bieber email fan list!! Hahahaha.
Hey, I’m gonna be over from the Northshore 2mrrw…you think you can meet me so I can get the rent? Or just leave it in the top cabinet outside the laundry room?? It’s only 12 days late dude. Lemme know ASAP.
From: Jim Pontchartrainpress@gmail.com
To: Jeff Jeffery69@yahoo.com
Date: 12 April 2010
Subj: re:WTF???
Sorry I’m late…I completely forgot the date for rent.
I tend to block things out of my mind on or about the 1st of each month because, as you know, I was married in 1999.
On the surface that doesn’t appear to have anything to do with the 1st of the month, so I'll quickly explain.
One of my ex-wife’s favorite songs was from Bones Thugs -n- Harmony, which should have been my first warning sign.
At any rate, the song “First of tha Month” was widely popular about the time we got married.
We had a very nice marriage but, as these things sometimes go, we grew apart. I suppose I feel a certain sense of failure for not being able to save the marriage so the Bones/Thugs song reminds me of a period that I‘m trying to block from my mind..which, unfortunately, coincides with rent due date.
I also try to block the period around each Flag Day from my mind, which centers around a story about my friend Kenny (he's no longer with us) but that's a reeeal long story.
BTW, did you know that the title of the Bones/Thugs song specifically references waiting on line at the welfare office? I always enjoyed watching VH1’s “Pop Up Video” didn’t you?
I’ll leave the rent check in the box outside the laundry room. Heads-up…The next door neighbor is probably going to want to talk with you.
My buddies Todd and Ed came over yesterday afternoon to watch a baseball game. Everyone always brings something to eat and Ed brought Mulligatawny soup.
Ed is a chef at a snobby restaurant that none of us can afford and he always has to show off. Todd brought a beef and bean casserole with a spicy (and tasty) Rotel cheese dip and Fritos Scoops…Of course he also brought his annoying girlfriend who got drunk and puked on the living room rug.
Sadly, I couldn’t prepare a dish because I don’t have any money left since I have to give it all to you for rent.
Anyway, we gave some of the mulligatawny and the Rotel cheese dip to the neighbor’s dog and I suppose it was so spicy that the dog just went crazy; he began running in circles trying to find some water and ran into the road where he was hit by a Fed-X truck.
The dog is gonna be okay but the neighbor said something to the effect that he planned to have a conversation with you.
I can’t remember exactly how he worded it because he was yelling and saying a bunch of dirty words and I was fairly drunk.
Anywhooo...I guess I’ll see you tomorrow so you can take all of my money. BTW, I’ve attached a picture of the front gate…Do you know who these belong to??
There are some instances where a personal visit, rather than a letter, is unavoidable…the DMV license renewal notice being a prime example.
I absolutely HATE my driver’s license picture. I would be happy to pay extra if they’d hire Olan Mills or Glamour Shots to come in and do the shoot.
Sure, I know that they’ll force me to pose with my hand randomly positioned on my chin so that I look like I’m studiously in deep thought about nothing in particular or staring to the distance looking at absolutely nothing; at least I won’t look like a suspected pedophile in a police lineup.
When I went in for my license picture recently I politely asked if they could use a soft lens and aim a box-fan toward me so that I might look like I’m walking down the beach. They axed that idea so then I asked if I needed to disrobe.
For the record, it took forever getting my picture snapped because, as I announced to the photographer, I simply needed to know my “motivation” so that I could strike the appropriate pose.
The state trooper was quite helpful in explaining my “motivation” and we snapped the picture.
By the way, the state trooper was quite an effective communicator.
And, once again, I'm stuck with a pic which makes me look like I should be driving a windowless van near the school playground for a few more years.
I get “E-Vites” all the time and it still amazes me that we live in an age where one can send invitations instantly and effortlessly. Actually it amazes me more so that I still receive invitations to events.
There’s a lot of pressure associated with being the recipient of the E-vite…especially in responding. Typically, you have limited reply avenues:
Will you be attending Julie and Tim’s housewarming party?
Yes
No
Maybe
The correct answer is always “NO”
“Maybe” indicates that you’re stalling for time in order to come up with a believable excuse not to attend...so it’s ultimately a wishy-washy "Soft NO.” **
**(Note: Professional politicians covet the word "maybe")
I usually just ignore the e-vite and, after a few weeks pass, tell the person that I just now got email access back since my house burned down and then I send them a toaster oven.
One final piece of unfinished business online in the correspondence department which involves my ongoing torture of Mike "The Editor."
Welcome to Hookup.com a place where millions of singles & swingers are at your fingertips. Meet real people with verified contact info near New Orleans. Share sexy pics, explore erotic fantasies and have a hookup RIGHT NOW using our live video webcam chat. Get laid today!!!
Member- Anastasia694u has sent you a message: Hey Mike…I saw where you live nearby, can you send me a pic and details?? Your profile just listed your location and age.
Member- Bi Mike469: Hey Anastasia. I live Uptown and am hot, horney and ready to please!!! Mmmm!
I’m an editor for a small publishing house plus I write speeches for a very important state official so I’m real discreet.
Btw...It’s okay for you to contact me at work (at the number in my profile) because I trust you.
I’m looking for a bondage encounter between me, my girlfriend (Emily) you and, possibly, a guy named Kevin.
Kevin is my assistant editor who has an abnormal attraction to 1970's television action series black actresses. Do you own an afro-wig by chance?
BTW, Emily will probably answer the phone at the number in my profile, but it’s perfectly okay for you to tell her who you are. Don't worry if she acts surprised and begins to yell...she's got an anger fetish.
Anyway…I’ve attached a photo per your request…I had a self portrait sketched on Navy Pier last year on my trip to Chicago. Talk to you soon. Also, you can reach me on my personal cell.(that's the second number in my profile)
Mike should have his hands full for a while now so maybe he'll leave me alone.
There are many forms of written communication-- email, text, Facebook, Twitter, blah blah blah.
Call me silly if you will...but my favorite form of communication still involves pen, paper and a blank canvas...
OH NO!!!!!!!!!!
copyright Pontchartrain Press 2010
Author's note: Thanks to everyone who has read this crap from week to week. Your emails and in-person comments have been an inspiration...more than you know.
I shall stop short of hugging you...unless you have very large breasts and promise to press them against me.
Now go email bomb my friend Craig! Tell him that you saw his profile on Craigslist "casual encounters" swinger section and that you want to see him in his tight, outdated "nut-shorts."
It'll be fun and will, hopefully, embarass him to the point that he'll STOP wearing them in public. hehehe
Sunday, August 22, 2010
On My Way To The Forum(s)
When Al Gore invented the internet I’ll bet he NEVER thought it would be as big as it is.
I like the Internet. You can find answers to every single question imaginable…anytime, anywhere. Plus, there’s lots of dirty pictures AND one can find a hook-up on Craig's List while saving some Nigerian exile who has inherited a billion dollars and all he needs for you to do is to provide your bank account number. Simple enough.
I especially take comfort in knowing that there are thousands of forums and message boards out there…There's virtually something for everybody.
Whether you're craving fun stuff, games, self help or someone to simply lend a sympathetic ear, it's all available within the click of a mouse.
I’ve never visited forums or message boards before…until last week. I made lots of lifelong friends and mine was an experience that I shall treasure forever. Behold...my week-long adventure in cyberspace...
GENERAL CHAT BOARD YAHOO
User Frankie: How do I post a humor entry?
User Frankie: (I have no clue how.)
User Jim: Directions for posting a humor entry…
1. Post a query on the humor message board asking "How do I post a humor entry?"
2. Then subtitle query with "I have no clue how."
3. Hit "post/reply button" then pause for hysterical laughter!!!!
I sometimes can’t figure out how to do things, such as blink my eyes or go to the bathroom.
One time I forgot to breathe, which was quite frightening due to the fact that I was in a WiFi dead spot and couldn’t get on the Internet to post on a forum “How do I begin to breathe again?”
I would have subtitled my query “I have no clue how…Pleeeease hurry”
Fortunately I suddenly remembered how to breathe again and everything was okay, relatively speaking.
It just occurred to me…was your post actually an abstract joke??? If so I must say it’s quite brilliant now that I think about it.
Would you like to go out on a date sometime? I’m not a huge conversationalist, as I’m a bit shy.
However, I’m lots of fun in bed because I am triple jointed and can contort my body like a ceiling mounted garage pulley.
You should skip the message boards and go straight to Google and type in “Ceiling mounted garage pulley” and then just picture my face on it and you can get a pretty good idea of what I can do. I’ve attached a picture of myself though.
This seems to be a site dedicated to those who think that they might be pregnant or simply aren't sure of the signs.
If you find yourself in this dire situation, I recommend going to this board FIRST, before going on the "Who's My Baby Daddy?" chat site.
I'm impressed by how quickly they got back with me on my question. BTW, I used a female name, what with being a man and all I didn't want to irritate anyone or make them uncomfortable. I chose the name of my ex girlfriend, Felicia...primarily because the name NOLAbar Ho was taken...
User Felicia: First of all, I want to say that I'm fully aware that when a woman has her period it is usually a sign that she is not pregnant. However, my last period (which started on the 22nd of July) started 2 days earlier than usual and was a little lighter, then it was heavy and has now lasted for longer than usual. As of today, I’d say 450 to 500 days.
User Annette: OMG! Go to the doctor!!
User Felicia: I’m scared of doctors so I really don’t want to go for a visit. Actually I’m scared of babies too, especially the really ugly ones that people make you look at when they show you pictures while you’re out trying to just have a good time on the town with friends. Then you have to pretend and say nice things like “Oh, she is really…adorable. Where did you get her?”
Now that I think about it, I’m scared of my boyfriend too. He’s been having a tough time at work at the pool cue factory and they’ve been laying a bunch of people off lately so he comes home in a bad mood. I get really scared now when people bring a pool cue anywhere near me, especially when they raise it in the air and talk loudly. I’m on another message board trying to tackle that issue.
I’ve been feeling nauseous but just wrote it off as a bug…or that maybe it was from looking at pictures of my best friend‘s really horrendously ugly kid, but my boyfriend hadn't been feeling that way and he told me to stop asking annoying questions or else he would go get the pool cue. That’s why I turned to the Maybe Mommy message board.
In addition to the nausea, I've had a couple small dizzy spells, mostly when I move from one place to another a little too quickly but I figured it was due to the 6 tequila shots.
I've also had some lower back pain, my breasts have been extra sensitive and I have been very tired. The extra sensitive breast thing has been kind of nice by the way.
I didn't become concerned until I saw that my belly was starting to protrude a bit further out than normal.
I thought it might be because I ate a lot at the Pizza Hut all you can eat buffet last night but I asked the boyfriend to look at my belly to confirm that I wasn't crazy. He verified that I AM crazy but he also confirmed that my belly looked funnier than usual...and then he punched it like a punching bag real hard.
When I started to Google my symptoms (minus the breasts, which I attributed to the fact that me and my boyfriend have a lot of rough sex and our cat, Pookie, bites my nipples in the middle of the night for some reason) Anyhoo, one of the first things that came up was pregnancy…which made me poo poo in my pants.
Also I am SOOOOO gassy. I'm not normally gassy at all, apart from the usual! (I can do a little trick by making myself fart anytime I want. That’s how me and my boyfriend met…it still makes him laugh. His dad used to like it also, but he's dead now...looong story about that).
Sorry for the length. I wanted to be thorough. Any suggestions?
Forum Moderator Christine: I strongly suggest that you move along to another forum site.
User Felicia: Okay. Thanks for getting back with me. Do you know a good site that might be able to answer my question?
OPEN DIARY.COM (General Discussion)
Moderator: Which jokes do you prefer? Blonde, female, Yo Mama, religion, Rude
User Jim Replies: I like jokes about all of the above on the list.
Specifically, the one about the blonde who ran into the room...she literally ran into the room, crashing her car thru the wall due to the fact that she was performing oral sex, WHILE DRIVING- thus, knocking her unconscious (which greatly improved her IQ by 140%)
She didn't reach the 150% IQ mark because she is quite religious and used 10% as a tithe to the church.
She showcases her strict religious dedication by invoking God's name regularly in the back seat of a worn out, non humorous blonde woman joke and can often be heard screaming...
"Oh God, OH GOD, OOOOOH GOD!!!!"
A lesson she learned from her fat mother. Her mama was so fat that there's not enough room in this joke to finish so I shall pause here to kill a small kitten while I sing a tune from My Fair Lady.
Now that I think about it, I suppose the only type of humor I dislike is rude humor. Oh, and jokes about people who were born without elbows. The elbow thing hits a little too close to home for my comfort level.
Also I don't like cucumbers. I'm actually terrified of them...but that story is probably best suited for the vegetable message board and, sadly, the "Why I hated my creepy uncle Leonard" message board.
OVER EATERS HELP FORUM
I made a nice friend in my encounter with the forum moderator. I like her a lot and may go visit her sometime for coffee
Tons of Fun asks: I’m absolutely terrified right now, I am on one long non stop binge. (On day 2,472 of it now) Every day I wake up and try not to eat an extra large Price Destroyer triple meat combo pizza from Domino’s but I JUST CAN’T HELP MYSELF!!!!
I try to do something a bit differently to break the cycle, so this morning I spread a container of cream cheese on my loaf of toasted bread instead of butter and a extra thick cut fried pork chop.**
**I just realized that I should have typed “AN extra thick” rather than “A extra thick.” I was sooooo hungry that I ate the letter “N.”
I’ve stopped going to the all you can eat buffets and just order three entrees from the menu. This seems to be working. And I’m TOTALLY skipping dessert…today.
My roommates really made me angry recently because the cat seems to have gone missing and they’re asking me insinuating questions about where it might be.
I asked “Exactly WHAT are you accusing me of?????” They think that I ATE little Tinkerbell!! I’m moving out soon because I feel that this was unacceptable behavior from my roommates.
By the way, it’s been 5-weeks since we’ve seen Tinkerbell so I figured it would be terrible to let the cat food go to waste.
Tomorrow I am going to start trying to eat sensible and have a balanced breakfast…do you think this will help?
The thing is it's not really about physical hunger for me, it just dominates my thoughts. Sometimes when I’m talking to a co-worker or a friend, I visualize them as a gigantic side of beef tenderloin which keeps taunting me by saying “Eat me…EAT ME!!!!” And then I end up hating myself and eat an entire box of Count Chocula cereal with chocolate milk. HHHHHEEEEELLLLLPPPPP.
System Moderator: You obviously have problems. I think that you should use your time reading about the problems (physical and mental) which plague overeaters rather than get online and say mean things.
You really sicken me with your post and I’m only going to give you one warning and then I’m tossing you off the board.
Tons of Fun: You seem irritable. Are you hungry?
System Moderator: Congrats! You just got banned jerk!
DYSLEXIA SELF HELP CHAT
I met Michael on this board...he was a really cool guy
User Partick: My name is Patrick. I just realized that my name is misspelled on my profile, but I can't figure out HOW to fix it!!!
Anyway, I’ve been coping for a long time with my eyesight. I invert letters all the time and sometimes objects. It comes and goes but it’s reaylly been hurting my grades in scoohl. What can I do about ti????
User Michael: Guess what? Youre a fucking asshole.
User Partick: Michael, I’m distraught that you think so poorly of me as we haven’t even met. I’m tryign to find help here and don’t know where to turn as I want my grades to improve so I won’t have to work forever at the grease trap cleaning company.
BWT, I mean, BTW, I’ll bet, with dyslexia, you have a real hard time spelling your name with “Michael” having the weird inverted spelling and all.
I always thought that the A before E thing was just weird. I mean, you can spell it by leaving one of the letters off, even though it would look a little funny.
Maybe you could spell it Mikhull or maybe Meykull. If it were me, I'd just spell it “Mike”...either way, people would still get the gist of your name. I bet your parents were mean, which really makes me feel sad.
User Michael: I feel sad for you. You definitley have problems.
User Partick: Mike, Mike Mike. We both may have dyslexia, but that's why we have to work harder than other people in the spelling department so as not ot draw extra attention. You misspelled "definitely."
I learned how to spell phonetically in first grade as part of a test class. My school building was real old and full of asbestos. We might all die from cancer now but we are above average spellers.
I always enjoyed going to skool as a kid. How bout you Mike??
User Michael: Again……. YOU are a fucking asshole!!!
User Partick: Are you mad at me Michael?
User Michael: I wouldn't waste MY time being mad at YOU.
User Partick: Thank you fro using capital letters so that I could better understand that MY refers to YOUR time and YOU actually indicates the source of YOUR frustration...in this case...ME.
User Michael: Your stupid
User Partick: You just confused your with you're...but lots of pepole do that. BTW again, when I wrote “What can I do about TI, it wasn’t a typing error…My brother LOVES TI and plays the CD over and over and over again.
I wish TI would go back to the pureness of his roots from the album "I'm Serious" which made him famous . He sounds over-produced now. How do you feel about this?
User Michael: Go to hell
User Partick: I really wish that we could just make up and be friends again Michael. : ( now I'm really sad
User Michael: Whatever
User Partick: I just thought of something else…technically I AM a f-ing A-hole as you pointed out. As I mentioned earlier, I sometmies invert objects which really upset my ex girlfriend.
I would accidentally stick it in the wrong place because of my eyesight and she screamed because I have a reeeeally big pensi.
User Michael: I’m reporting you to the moderator asshole.
User Partick: Oyka Mike. Have a blessed dya!
SEXUAL ADDICTION SUPPORT FORUMS
I don't really understand the possibility of sex addiction, but I suppose it's real. I was kind of bummed that there weren't more pictures
User Jim: Damn! I’m HORNEY!!!!!
User Lil Cyndee Kims: Very funny. Don’t be a dick dude.
User Jim: Okay. Hey, did you realize that your name is sort of an anagram?? You can spell “Lick Me” with it…and even have superfluous letters remaining.
With extra letters hanging around like that, it technically means that we have enough for a "letter orgy." That makes me incredibly horney.
Btw, I LOVE your profile pic…I’m looking at it right now. Actually, I made it my new wall paper but I cropped it to where it only shows your breasts in the low cut top you're wearing in the pic. You wanna trade pics sometime??
Administrator message: You have been denied further access to this web community. Please see forum rules and guidelines. If you feel that you have received this in error please contact the site administrator.
FACEBOOK (Drive-by)
I decided to end my day safely by catching up with a good friend. What better place than a social ring where you can "Chat" "Like" "Poke" and then de-friend. Sounds like a one-night stand if you ask me.
Rikki: quotes Austin O'Malley:
“Show me a genuine case of platonic friendship, and I shall show you two old or homely faces.”
Jim: Austin O'Malley and I used to write together. I was always led to believe that we were just friends, even though my other friends warned me. I finally realized that he had a secret agenda.
We wrote late into the night and we'd get hungry... so I'd do "friend" things like cook a BLT sandwich with Ore'Ida french fries and Suddenly Salad Tomato & Herb and after we finished eating he would look at me and say "you're a really good platonic friend.”
And then he shoved his hands down the front of my pants and said "A hole is nothing at all, but you can break your neck in it." Which really creeped me out so I called my friend, Allison, to come get me and then she held me while I cried all night...She is a really nice, platonic, friend of mine.
After a full day online it finally occurs to me that I never got to see any dirty pictures. Believe it or not Lil Cyndee Kims sent me an email though!!! Hehehe.
If she’s about to fall off the wagon, I feel that someone needs to be there to catch her- No moderator needed...unless she's into that sort of thing.
copyright Pontchartrain Press 2010
I like the Internet. You can find answers to every single question imaginable…anytime, anywhere. Plus, there’s lots of dirty pictures AND one can find a hook-up on Craig's List while saving some Nigerian exile who has inherited a billion dollars and all he needs for you to do is to provide your bank account number. Simple enough.
I especially take comfort in knowing that there are thousands of forums and message boards out there…There's virtually something for everybody.
Whether you're craving fun stuff, games, self help or someone to simply lend a sympathetic ear, it's all available within the click of a mouse.
I’ve never visited forums or message boards before…until last week. I made lots of lifelong friends and mine was an experience that I shall treasure forever. Behold...my week-long adventure in cyberspace...
GENERAL CHAT BOARD YAHOO
User Frankie: How do I post a humor entry?
User Frankie: (I have no clue how.)
User Jim: Directions for posting a humor entry…
1. Post a query on the humor message board asking "How do I post a humor entry?"
2. Then subtitle query with "I have no clue how."
3. Hit "post/reply button" then pause for hysterical laughter!!!!
I sometimes can’t figure out how to do things, such as blink my eyes or go to the bathroom.
One time I forgot to breathe, which was quite frightening due to the fact that I was in a WiFi dead spot and couldn’t get on the Internet to post on a forum “How do I begin to breathe again?”
I would have subtitled my query “I have no clue how…Pleeeease hurry”
Fortunately I suddenly remembered how to breathe again and everything was okay, relatively speaking.
It just occurred to me…was your post actually an abstract joke??? If so I must say it’s quite brilliant now that I think about it.
Would you like to go out on a date sometime? I’m not a huge conversationalist, as I’m a bit shy.
However, I’m lots of fun in bed because I am triple jointed and can contort my body like a ceiling mounted garage pulley.
You should skip the message boards and go straight to Google and type in “Ceiling mounted garage pulley” and then just picture my face on it and you can get a pretty good idea of what I can do. I’ve attached a picture of myself though.
Anyway, just let me know if you wanna kick it sometime. I love you Frankie…you‘re funny!!
MAYBE MOMMY FORUM
This seems to be a site dedicated to those who think that they might be pregnant or simply aren't sure of the signs.
If you find yourself in this dire situation, I recommend going to this board FIRST, before going on the "Who's My Baby Daddy?" chat site.
I'm impressed by how quickly they got back with me on my question. BTW, I used a female name, what with being a man and all I didn't want to irritate anyone or make them uncomfortable. I chose the name of my ex girlfriend, Felicia...primarily because the name NOLAbar Ho was taken...
User Felicia: First of all, I want to say that I'm fully aware that when a woman has her period it is usually a sign that she is not pregnant. However, my last period (which started on the 22nd of July) started 2 days earlier than usual and was a little lighter, then it was heavy and has now lasted for longer than usual. As of today, I’d say 450 to 500 days.
User Annette: OMG! Go to the doctor!!
User Felicia: I’m scared of doctors so I really don’t want to go for a visit. Actually I’m scared of babies too, especially the really ugly ones that people make you look at when they show you pictures while you’re out trying to just have a good time on the town with friends. Then you have to pretend and say nice things like “Oh, she is really…adorable. Where did you get her?”
Now that I think about it, I’m scared of my boyfriend too. He’s been having a tough time at work at the pool cue factory and they’ve been laying a bunch of people off lately so he comes home in a bad mood. I get really scared now when people bring a pool cue anywhere near me, especially when they raise it in the air and talk loudly. I’m on another message board trying to tackle that issue.
I’ve been feeling nauseous but just wrote it off as a bug…or that maybe it was from looking at pictures of my best friend‘s really horrendously ugly kid, but my boyfriend hadn't been feeling that way and he told me to stop asking annoying questions or else he would go get the pool cue. That’s why I turned to the Maybe Mommy message board.
In addition to the nausea, I've had a couple small dizzy spells, mostly when I move from one place to another a little too quickly but I figured it was due to the 6 tequila shots.
I've also had some lower back pain, my breasts have been extra sensitive and I have been very tired. The extra sensitive breast thing has been kind of nice by the way.
I didn't become concerned until I saw that my belly was starting to protrude a bit further out than normal.
I thought it might be because I ate a lot at the Pizza Hut all you can eat buffet last night but I asked the boyfriend to look at my belly to confirm that I wasn't crazy. He verified that I AM crazy but he also confirmed that my belly looked funnier than usual...and then he punched it like a punching bag real hard.
When I started to Google my symptoms (minus the breasts, which I attributed to the fact that me and my boyfriend have a lot of rough sex and our cat, Pookie, bites my nipples in the middle of the night for some reason) Anyhoo, one of the first things that came up was pregnancy…which made me poo poo in my pants.
Also I am SOOOOO gassy. I'm not normally gassy at all, apart from the usual! (I can do a little trick by making myself fart anytime I want. That’s how me and my boyfriend met…it still makes him laugh. His dad used to like it also, but he's dead now...looong story about that).
Sorry for the length. I wanted to be thorough. Any suggestions?
Forum Moderator Christine: I strongly suggest that you move along to another forum site.
User Felicia: Okay. Thanks for getting back with me. Do you know a good site that might be able to answer my question?
OPEN DIARY.COM (General Discussion)
Moderator: Which jokes do you prefer? Blonde, female, Yo Mama, religion, Rude
User Jim Replies: I like jokes about all of the above on the list.
Specifically, the one about the blonde who ran into the room...she literally ran into the room, crashing her car thru the wall due to the fact that she was performing oral sex, WHILE DRIVING- thus, knocking her unconscious (which greatly improved her IQ by 140%)
She didn't reach the 150% IQ mark because she is quite religious and used 10% as a tithe to the church.
She showcases her strict religious dedication by invoking God's name regularly in the back seat of a worn out, non humorous blonde woman joke and can often be heard screaming...
"Oh God, OH GOD, OOOOOH GOD!!!!"
A lesson she learned from her fat mother. Her mama was so fat that there's not enough room in this joke to finish so I shall pause here to kill a small kitten while I sing a tune from My Fair Lady.
Now that I think about it, I suppose the only type of humor I dislike is rude humor. Oh, and jokes about people who were born without elbows. The elbow thing hits a little too close to home for my comfort level.
Also I don't like cucumbers. I'm actually terrified of them...but that story is probably best suited for the vegetable message board and, sadly, the "Why I hated my creepy uncle Leonard" message board.
OVER EATERS HELP FORUM
I made a nice friend in my encounter with the forum moderator. I like her a lot and may go visit her sometime for coffee
Tons of Fun asks: I’m absolutely terrified right now, I am on one long non stop binge. (On day 2,472 of it now) Every day I wake up and try not to eat an extra large Price Destroyer triple meat combo pizza from Domino’s but I JUST CAN’T HELP MYSELF!!!!
I try to do something a bit differently to break the cycle, so this morning I spread a container of cream cheese on my loaf of toasted bread instead of butter and a extra thick cut fried pork chop.**
**I just realized that I should have typed “AN extra thick” rather than “A extra thick.” I was sooooo hungry that I ate the letter “N.”
I’ve stopped going to the all you can eat buffets and just order three entrees from the menu. This seems to be working. And I’m TOTALLY skipping dessert…today.
My roommates really made me angry recently because the cat seems to have gone missing and they’re asking me insinuating questions about where it might be.
I asked “Exactly WHAT are you accusing me of?????” They think that I ATE little Tinkerbell!! I’m moving out soon because I feel that this was unacceptable behavior from my roommates.
By the way, it’s been 5-weeks since we’ve seen Tinkerbell so I figured it would be terrible to let the cat food go to waste.
Tomorrow I am going to start trying to eat sensible and have a balanced breakfast…do you think this will help?
The thing is it's not really about physical hunger for me, it just dominates my thoughts. Sometimes when I’m talking to a co-worker or a friend, I visualize them as a gigantic side of beef tenderloin which keeps taunting me by saying “Eat me…EAT ME!!!!” And then I end up hating myself and eat an entire box of Count Chocula cereal with chocolate milk. HHHHHEEEEELLLLLPPPPP.
System Moderator: You obviously have problems. I think that you should use your time reading about the problems (physical and mental) which plague overeaters rather than get online and say mean things.
You really sicken me with your post and I’m only going to give you one warning and then I’m tossing you off the board.
Tons of Fun: You seem irritable. Are you hungry?
System Moderator: Congrats! You just got banned jerk!
DYSLEXIA SELF HELP CHAT
I met Michael on this board...he was a really cool guy
User Partick: My name is Patrick. I just realized that my name is misspelled on my profile, but I can't figure out HOW to fix it!!!
Anyway, I’ve been coping for a long time with my eyesight. I invert letters all the time and sometimes objects. It comes and goes but it’s reaylly been hurting my grades in scoohl. What can I do about ti????
User Michael: Guess what? Youre a fucking asshole.
User Partick: Michael, I’m distraught that you think so poorly of me as we haven’t even met. I’m tryign to find help here and don’t know where to turn as I want my grades to improve so I won’t have to work forever at the grease trap cleaning company.
BWT, I mean, BTW, I’ll bet, with dyslexia, you have a real hard time spelling your name with “Michael” having the weird inverted spelling and all.
I always thought that the A before E thing was just weird. I mean, you can spell it by leaving one of the letters off, even though it would look a little funny.
Maybe you could spell it Mikhull or maybe Meykull. If it were me, I'd just spell it “Mike”...either way, people would still get the gist of your name. I bet your parents were mean, which really makes me feel sad.
User Michael: I feel sad for you. You definitley have problems.
User Partick: Mike, Mike Mike. We both may have dyslexia, but that's why we have to work harder than other people in the spelling department so as not ot draw extra attention. You misspelled "definitely."
I learned how to spell phonetically in first grade as part of a test class. My school building was real old and full of asbestos. We might all die from cancer now but we are above average spellers.
I always enjoyed going to skool as a kid. How bout you Mike??
User Michael: Again……. YOU are a fucking asshole!!!
User Partick: Are you mad at me Michael?
User Michael: I wouldn't waste MY time being mad at YOU.
User Partick: Thank you fro using capital letters so that I could better understand that MY refers to YOUR time and YOU actually indicates the source of YOUR frustration...in this case...ME.
User Michael: Your stupid
User Partick: You just confused your with you're...but lots of pepole do that. BTW again, when I wrote “What can I do about TI, it wasn’t a typing error…My brother LOVES TI and plays the CD over and over and over again.
I wish TI would go back to the pureness of his roots from the album "I'm Serious" which made him famous . He sounds over-produced now. How do you feel about this?
User Michael: Go to hell
User Partick: I really wish that we could just make up and be friends again Michael. : ( now I'm really sad
User Michael: Whatever
User Partick: I just thought of something else…technically I AM a f-ing A-hole as you pointed out. As I mentioned earlier, I sometmies invert objects which really upset my ex girlfriend.
I would accidentally stick it in the wrong place because of my eyesight and she screamed because I have a reeeeally big pensi.
User Michael: I’m reporting you to the moderator asshole.
User Partick: Oyka Mike. Have a blessed dya!
SEXUAL ADDICTION SUPPORT FORUMS
I don't really understand the possibility of sex addiction, but I suppose it's real. I was kind of bummed that there weren't more pictures
User Jim: Damn! I’m HORNEY!!!!!
User Lil Cyndee Kims: Very funny. Don’t be a dick dude.
User Jim: Okay. Hey, did you realize that your name is sort of an anagram?? You can spell “Lick Me” with it…and even have superfluous letters remaining.
With extra letters hanging around like that, it technically means that we have enough for a "letter orgy." That makes me incredibly horney.
Btw, I LOVE your profile pic…I’m looking at it right now. Actually, I made it my new wall paper but I cropped it to where it only shows your breasts in the low cut top you're wearing in the pic. You wanna trade pics sometime??
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FACEBOOK (Drive-by)
I decided to end my day safely by catching up with a good friend. What better place than a social ring where you can "Chat" "Like" "Poke" and then de-friend. Sounds like a one-night stand if you ask me.
Rikki: quotes Austin O'Malley:
“Show me a genuine case of platonic friendship, and I shall show you two old or homely faces.”
Jim: Austin O'Malley and I used to write together. I was always led to believe that we were just friends, even though my other friends warned me. I finally realized that he had a secret agenda.
We wrote late into the night and we'd get hungry... so I'd do "friend" things like cook a BLT sandwich with Ore'Ida french fries and Suddenly Salad Tomato & Herb and after we finished eating he would look at me and say "you're a really good platonic friend.”
And then he shoved his hands down the front of my pants and said "A hole is nothing at all, but you can break your neck in it." Which really creeped me out so I called my friend, Allison, to come get me and then she held me while I cried all night...She is a really nice, platonic, friend of mine.
After a full day online it finally occurs to me that I never got to see any dirty pictures. Believe it or not Lil Cyndee Kims sent me an email though!!! Hehehe.
If she’s about to fall off the wagon, I feel that someone needs to be there to catch her- No moderator needed...unless she's into that sort of thing.
copyright Pontchartrain Press 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Ask Your Doctor If THIS Is Right For You
…Gonna pop my pills from a Pez dispenser
--NICKELBACK
I wish someone would invent a pill to make those trailblazing mavericks Nickelback go away. I suspect that I’m not alone on this one. We could swallow a little green pill, swish it down like REAL rock stars, with a shot of water (pronounced Tequila) and BAM! The band actually explodes into a million pieces, as Rob Zombie sweeps their scattered remains down the nearest storm drain of non rock stars (who claim that they hold disdain for commercial artists) into the abysmal depths of irrelevance.
Speaking of Kid Rock
Have you noticed that there’s a pill for everything? You can’t open a newspaper, magazine or turn on the TV anymore without being bombarded by PILLS!! Acid reflux? Take a pill. Acne? Take a pill. Soft bones? Take a pill. Soft bone? (not to be confused with bones) Take a pill. Out of control kids? Give them a bunch of pills and then YOU pop a couple of Excedrin extra strength…which, according to the bottle, “May cause a headache.” What???
Other than the Federal government and Dr. Laura, how can something which is supposed to HELP have so many negative and risky side effects?
I saw a commercial this weekend where the slick, fast talking announcer rattled off possible side effects which included the following:
“May cause suicidal thoughts or actions.”
And all this time I thought that….nah, too easy…I shall not stoop to the level of invoking obvious, gratuitous remarks. On another note, it’s time to play WHEEL OF FORTUNE!!!
CATEGORY: May cause suicidal thoughts or actions
EX G__ RLFR__END
M__KE THE ED__TOR &
N__CKELBACK
“I’d like to buy an “I” Pat! And tell Vanna to take off her dress”
Did you know that there's an anti depressant drug which may cause suicidal thoughts or actions and an anti anxiety drug which may cause schizophrenia? That must have been an entertaining day with the lab rats down at the research center.
I walked into a restroom recently when I stumbled upon a gentleman who was carrying on an animated conversation with Steve, Terry and Kevin. I don’t know what Steve, Terry and Kevin did to draw this man’s ire, but it’s important to note that, other than the two of us, the restroom was empty.
I’m not a doctor but I like holistic remedies when possible. In this case, I quickly exited the restroom, dissolving the quorum. Thus, according to widely recognized global quorum by-laws, ending his meeting. This seems to prompt governmental bodies to take a break so I figured it was worth a try…and with no side effects!
I don’t know if it made the voices in his head go away but I felt better about my chances of survival. I, on the other hand, will now need a pill for an aggravated bladder as I never got to pee.
Everyone is so stressed these days. Understandable…grim economic outlooks, inflation, high gas prices, two wars, instability and security threats in North Korea and Iran, Nickelback’s latest song…these are dark times indeed.
Speaking of which, I have a friend who always calls at the worst possible stressful moments. Not for me…for HER. I’ll go for weeks without hearing from her and, almost every single time that she calls, the conversation goes like this:
Me: Hello
Her: (background noise sounds as though she’s standing on the deck of an aircraft carrier)
Me: HELLO??
Her: Oh, Hey….can you hear me??
Me: Yeah, where are you?
Her: Oh, I’m at home…the contractors just started sanding the floors and I’m also babysitting my neighbor's kids. Just thought I'd call to catch up with you. (background noises of what sounds to be a school bus full of children who have spent the entire morning feasting on sugar drenched cereal, candy bars, soft drinks and crystal meth. And there's a cat meowing incessantly)
Me: Well, it’s good to hear from you…everything goin’ okay?
Her: HEY!! TAKE THE DISH RAG OUT OF YOUR SISTER’S MOUTH AND UN-TIE HER…RIGHT NOW!!! (MEOW, MEOW!)
Me: Um…
Her: Sorry, what were you saying?
Me: Um…
Her: HEY!!! STOP HITTING THE DOG WITH THE GOLF CLUB!! AND TAKE THE TV REMOTE OUT OF YOUR SISTER'S MOUTH! (MEOW!)
Me: Uh, I was saying that I'm…
Her: (Loud crash) SHIT!! Hey, the boys just threw their sister through the window and the cat just got sucked into the floor sander. Look, it’s a bad time, sorry…can I call you back?
I’m no time management expert, as any employer will affirm, but it occurs to me that when calling someone, perhaps it’s best to do so from a locale which doesn’t sound as though you’re doing a live news report from the front lines of a full-scale military conflict.
I'm no different from anyone else...I don’t like stress, but I don’t want to take a pill every time I feel the pressures of life closing in on me. I simply transport my thoughts to my happy place.
A poolside villa overlooking an ornately decorated Greek swimming pool where two young, confused, ladies are rubbing tanning lotion on one another. One girl stands up and her bikini top accidentally pops off as the doorbell rings.
They playfully chase one another to the front door, giggling all the way. Then I walk in, donning an electric company meter man shirt, tight boxer briefs with a tool belt, mirrored sunglasses and a porn moustache. The girls then make sexual innuendo, asking me if I might teach them how to scale a utility pole.
When I did voice over work, sometimes I’d have to visit the television station audio production studio. TV newsrooms are quite hectic and I always enjoyed strolling through to observe the controlled chaos.
My friend, Neil, was a TV meteorologist- I always called him out on his faux degree which garnered the title of “DOCTOR” being attached to his name. HA HA HA HA HA!
This is the same guy who once passed out drunk at a party with a bottle of cheap vodka, face down in the snow. We finally figured out where he was when the pizza delivery guy showed up and alerted us to the fact that a man was on the front lawn in a pile of yellow snow singing a Whitesnake power ballad.
We finished our pizza and did a shot with the delivery guy before scooping Neil up from the pile of snow. We then completely wrapped him up like a mummy in Ace bandages and rolled him under the guestroom bed. Needless to say, I had a difficult time taking him seriously as he authoritatively looked into the camera with concerned tone in his voice as he tracked a tornado heading straight for a local trailer park.
I laughed until I almost cried when I saw him in one of those TV station promos one night. You know the commercial I'm talking about. It starts with tragic weather scenes as the scary, deep-voiced announcer guy assures you that you will most likely die and go to hell if you don't watch channel 5 during a storm.
In the commercial, Neil was crouched over the Weather Center 5 pinpoint 3-D storm, tornoado, hurricane, snowstorm, prison escapee doppler 7000 radar staring solemnly at the console as though he were about to tell a concerned patient that they had 4 months to live...and that their son is gay.
Neil was always stressed! HOW?
Neil: And your 5-day forecast…lookin’ good. Highs in the mid 70’s lows in the lower 60’s and no rain anywhere in our weather models.
News Anchor: Well Neil, that’s a great forecast for my golf match this week, I‘ll dust off my 3-wood.
Neil: Ha ha ha, well, Bob, I’ve seen you use the 3-wood…unfortunately you’ll need more than mother nature to help…ha ha ha ha.
Anchor: Ha ha ha…Very funny! You rascal…thanks Neil. In other news…
Now that I think about it, I’d be stressed too if I were forced to engage in mindless chit chat on TV with a 900-year old, stuffy news anchor.
One day I showed up at the studio with, what I thought to be, a brilliant idea. I’d eaten about four strips of green apple Laffy Taffy so that my tongue would be green. I stood against the green screen, upon which weather maps and TV graphics are superimposed, to see if the map would appear on my tongue.
DOCTOR Neil would always glare at me, judgmentally, shaking his head and then asked if I was drunk. What does that have to do with anything? Then we did a shot of Jameson in his office and I went on about my day.
I think that my visits to the TV station were helpful in lowering Neil’s stress in that, observing me, he felt better about his life. Lower blood pressure…pill free. You're welcome Neil.
For the record…the weather map/Laffy Taffy experiment didn’t work but we were able to superimpose a head shot picture of the smokin' hot weekend weather girl on the front of my green boxer shorts. This largely explains why I don’t have a “doctor” title attached to my name.
I understand that there are numerous medicines on the market which save lives and greatly increase the quality of life for millions. We’re truly lucky to be living in such a medically advanced era. I even understand the impotence…I mean, importance of...
VIAGRA
What catches my attention is the disclaimer. “Ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for sex.” What??
A better question would be:
“Hey doc, what are your feelings about the status of my heart health as it pertains to having sex with my lady friend? Specifically as it leads to a fairly steady relationship (with the exception of two moments of indiscretion with a hotel housekeeper while on a business trip to Cedar Rapids, Iowa and a brief moment of confusion in that rest area bathroom.)
Then we get married and have a couple of kids, who absolutely drain my bank account because one wants to go to medical school and the other one accidentally impregnates his girlfriend who he, in turn, marries and I feel obligated to help them purchase a house until such a time he announces that he’s quit his job and has decided to be a professional drummer in a band named THE SKULL FU#KS
You think the ol’ ticker is up for that one doc?”
I wish that there had been a drug which would have kept my parents alive much longer, a pill that I’m sure we’d all hope for a scientist to invent. I’ll bet my parents would have wished for a drug which made me not chop down a pine tree with the axe from my little tool set which I received at Christmas when I was 10. The magic pill would then reverse gravity...preventing the tree from falling and destroying the entire corner of the garage and the passenger side of the car.
The side effects of the magic pill would make hair grow back instantly after I shaved the dog and my friend Matt's head completely bald with mom's electric hair trimmer. Then it would have rendered me deaf and mute before I repeated my dad's assessment of his boss at the dinner table...in front of his boss.
For the record, I believe my dad's precise assessment in numerous rantings to my mother was that "Charles is a complete fu*king shithead" or something to that effect...it's a little fuzzy to me now since I was only 6-years old. It got reeeeal quiet at the table as I recall and Charles seemed very uncomfortable. My mother, on the other hand, laughed about it for the rest of her life.
How about a drug which makes one appear sexy, cool and hip? By the way guys…there’s absolutely no way for a man to look cool when sipping a drink through a straw. As for the ladies…that’s a whole different ballgame.
I don’t know about you, but I would be terribly uncomfortable taking a pill with side effects which include:
May cause blackouts and irrational or erratic behavior. Do not operate a vehicle while taking this medicine
Honestly, WHO would be comfortable with that??
CATEGORY: Stupid People
LI__DSAY LOHA__
"I’ll take an “N” Pat!"
I actually had a sinus headache when I began writing today but, thanks to a pill, it's all better now and I'm back to my happy place. Not THAT happy place...I only visit that place when I have alone time late at night while watching the female version of the Shake Weight commercial.
As I hand this silly little documentation of my happy corner of the world over to Osama Bin Mike to proof read before he beats one of his children senseless for ending a sentence in a preposition, I'm going to see a concert tonight. Irritable Bowel Syndrome is opening up for Skull F*ck.
I can assure you that they're tons better than Nickelback
copyright Pontchartrain Press 2010
--NICKELBACK
I wish someone would invent a pill to make those trailblazing mavericks Nickelback
go away. I suspect that I’m not alone on this one. We could swallow a little green pill, swish it down like REAL rock stars, with a shot of water (pronounced Tequila) and BAM! The band actually explodes into a million pieces, as Rob Zombie sweeps their scattered remains down the nearest storm drain of non rock stars (who claim that they hold disdain for commercial artists) into the abysmal depths of irrelevance. Speaking of Kid Rock
Have you noticed that there’s a pill for everything? You can’t open a newspaper, magazine or turn on the TV anymore without being bombarded by PILLS!! Acid reflux? Take a pill. Acne? Take a pill. Soft bones? Take a pill. Soft bone? (not to be confused with bones) Take a pill. Out of control kids? Give them a bunch of pills and then YOU pop a couple of Excedrin extra strength…which, according to the bottle, “May cause a headache.” What???
Other than the Federal government and Dr. Laura, how can something which is supposed to HELP have so many negative and risky side effects?
I saw a commercial this weekend where the slick, fast talking announcer rattled off possible side effects which included the following:
“May cause suicidal thoughts or actions.”
And all this time I thought that….nah, too easy…I shall not stoop to the level of invoking obvious, gratuitous remarks. On another note, it’s time to play WHEEL OF FORTUNE!!!
CATEGORY: May cause suicidal thoughts or actions
EX G__ RLFR__END
M__KE THE ED__TOR &
N__CKELBACK
“I’d like to buy an “I” Pat! And tell Vanna to take off her dress”
Did you know that there's an anti depressant drug which may cause suicidal thoughts or actions and an anti anxiety drug which may cause schizophrenia? That must have been an entertaining day with the lab rats down at the research center.
I walked into a restroom recently when I stumbled upon a gentleman who was carrying on an animated conversation with Steve, Terry and Kevin. I don’t know what Steve, Terry and Kevin did to draw this man’s ire, but it’s important to note that, other than the two of us, the restroom was empty.
I’m not a doctor but I like holistic remedies when possible. In this case, I quickly exited the restroom, dissolving the quorum. Thus, according to widely recognized global quorum by-laws, ending his meeting. This seems to prompt governmental bodies to take a break so I figured it was worth a try…and with no side effects!
I don’t know if it made the voices in his head go away but I felt better about my chances of survival. I, on the other hand, will now need a pill for an aggravated bladder as I never got to pee.
Everyone is so stressed these days. Understandable…grim economic outlooks, inflation, high gas prices, two wars, instability and security threats in North Korea and Iran, Nickelback’s latest song…these are dark times indeed.
Speaking of which, I have a friend who always calls at the worst possible stressful moments. Not for me…for HER. I’ll go for weeks without hearing from her and, almost every single time that she calls, the conversation goes like this:
Me: Hello
Her: (background noise sounds as though she’s standing on the deck of an aircraft carrier)
Me: HELLO??
Her: Oh, Hey….can you hear me??
Me: Yeah, where are you?
Her: Oh, I’m at home…the contractors just started sanding the floors and I’m also babysitting my neighbor's kids. Just thought I'd call to catch up with you. (background noises of what sounds to be a school bus full of children who have spent the entire morning feasting on sugar drenched cereal, candy bars, soft drinks and crystal meth. And there's a cat meowing incessantly)
Me: Well, it’s good to hear from you…everything goin’ okay?
Her: HEY!! TAKE THE DISH RAG OUT OF YOUR SISTER’S MOUTH AND UN-TIE HER…RIGHT NOW!!! (MEOW, MEOW!)
Me: Um…
Her: Sorry, what were you saying?
Me: Um…
Her: HEY!!! STOP HITTING THE DOG WITH THE GOLF CLUB!! AND TAKE THE TV REMOTE OUT OF YOUR SISTER'S MOUTH! (MEOW!)
Me: Uh, I was saying that I'm…
Her: (Loud crash) SHIT!! Hey, the boys just threw their sister through the window and the cat just got sucked into the floor sander. Look, it’s a bad time, sorry…can I call you back?
I’m no time management expert, as any employer will affirm, but it occurs to me that when calling someone, perhaps it’s best to do so from a locale which doesn’t sound as though you’re doing a live news report from the front lines of a full-scale military conflict.
I'm no different from anyone else...I don’t like stress, but I don’t want to take a pill every time I feel the pressures of life closing in on me. I simply transport my thoughts to my happy place.
A poolside villa overlooking an ornately decorated Greek swimming pool where two young, confused, ladies are rubbing tanning lotion on one another. One girl stands up and her bikini top accidentally pops off as the doorbell rings.
They playfully chase one another to the front door, giggling all the way. Then I walk in, donning an electric company meter man shirt, tight boxer briefs with a tool belt, mirrored sunglasses and a porn moustache. The girls then make sexual innuendo, asking me if I might teach them how to scale a utility pole.
When I did voice over work, sometimes I’d have to visit the television station audio production studio. TV newsrooms are quite hectic and I always enjoyed strolling through to observe the controlled chaos.
My friend, Neil, was a TV meteorologist- I always called him out on his faux degree which garnered the title of “DOCTOR” being attached to his name. HA HA HA HA HA!
This is the same guy who once passed out drunk at a party with a bottle of cheap vodka, face down in the snow. We finally figured out where he was when the pizza delivery guy showed up and alerted us to the fact that a man was on the front lawn in a pile of yellow snow singing a Whitesnake power ballad.
We finished our pizza and did a shot with the delivery guy before scooping Neil up from the pile of snow. We then completely wrapped him up like a mummy in Ace
bandages and rolled him under the guestroom bed. Needless to say, I had a difficult time taking him seriously as he authoritatively looked into the camera with concerned tone in his voice as he tracked a tornado heading straight for a local trailer park.I laughed until I almost cried when I saw him in one of those TV station promos one night. You know the commercial I'm talking about. It starts with tragic weather scenes as the scary, deep-voiced announcer guy assures you that you will most likely die and go to hell if you don't watch channel 5 during a storm.
In the commercial, Neil was crouched over the Weather Center 5 pinpoint 3-D storm, tornoado, hurricane, snowstorm, prison escapee doppler 7000 radar
staring solemnly at the console as though he were about to tell a concerned patient that they had 4 months to live...and that their son is gay. Neil was always stressed! HOW?
Neil: And your 5-day forecast…lookin’ good. Highs in the mid 70’s lows in the lower 60’s and no rain anywhere in our weather models.
News Anchor: Well Neil, that’s a great forecast for my golf match this week, I‘ll dust off my 3-wood.
Neil: Ha ha ha, well, Bob, I’ve seen you use the 3-wood…unfortunately you’ll need more than mother nature to help…ha ha ha ha.
Anchor: Ha ha ha…Very funny! You rascal…thanks Neil. In other news…
Now that I think about it, I’d be stressed too if I were forced to engage in mindless chit chat on TV with a 900-year old, stuffy news anchor.
One day I showed up at the studio with, what I thought to be, a brilliant idea. I’d eaten about four strips of green apple Laffy Taffy so that my tongue would be green. I stood against the green screen, upon which weather maps and TV graphics are superimposed, to see if the map would appear on my tongue.
DOCTOR Neil would always glare at me, judgmentally, shaking his head and then asked if I was drunk. What does that have to do with anything? Then we did a shot of Jameson in his office and I went on about my day.
I think that my visits to the TV station were helpful in lowering Neil’s stress in that, observing me, he felt better about his life. Lower blood pressure…pill free. You're welcome Neil.
For the record…the weather map/Laffy Taffy experiment didn’t work but we were able to superimpose a head shot picture of the smokin' hot weekend weather girl on the front of my green boxer shorts. This largely explains why I don’t have a “doctor” title attached to my name.
I understand that there are numerous medicines on the market which save lives and greatly increase the quality of life for millions. We’re truly lucky to be living in such a medically advanced era. I even understand the impotence…I mean, importance of...
VIAGRA
What catches my attention is the disclaimer. “Ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for sex.” What??
A better question would be:
“Hey doc, what are your feelings about the status of my heart health as it pertains to having sex with my lady friend? Specifically as it leads to a fairly steady relationship (with the exception of two moments of indiscretion with a hotel housekeeper while on a business trip to Cedar Rapids, Iowa and a brief moment of confusion in that rest area bathroom.)
Then we get married and have a couple of kids, who absolutely drain my bank account because one wants to go to medical school and the other one accidentally impregnates his girlfriend who he, in turn, marries and I feel obligated to help them purchase a house until such a time he announces that he’s quit his job and has decided to be a professional drummer in a band named THE SKULL FU#KS
You think the ol’ ticker is up for that one doc?”
I wish that there had been a drug which would have kept my parents alive much longer, a pill that I’m sure we’d all hope for a scientist to invent. I’ll bet my parents would have wished for a drug which made me not chop down a pine tree with the axe from my little tool set which I received at Christmas when I was 10. The magic pill would then reverse gravity...preventing the tree from falling and destroying the entire corner of the garage and the passenger side of the car.
The side effects of the magic pill would make hair grow back instantly after I shaved the dog and my friend Matt's head completely bald with mom's electric hair trimmer. Then it would have rendered me deaf and mute before I repeated my dad's assessment of his boss at the dinner table...in front of his boss.
For the record, I believe my dad's precise assessment in numerous rantings to my mother was that "Charles is a complete fu*king shithead" or something to that effect...it's a little fuzzy to me now since I was only 6-years old. It got reeeeal quiet at the table as I recall and Charles seemed very uncomfortable. My mother, on the other hand, laughed about it for the rest of her life.
How about a drug which makes one appear sexy, cool and hip? By the way guys…there’s absolutely no way for a man to look cool when sipping a drink through a straw. As for the ladies…that’s a whole different ballgame.
I don’t know about you, but I would be terribly uncomfortable taking a pill with side effects which include:
May cause blackouts and irrational or erratic behavior. Do not operate a vehicle while taking this medicine
Honestly, WHO would be comfortable with that??
CATEGORY: Stupid People
LI__DSAY LOHA__
"I’ll take an “N” Pat!"
I actually had a sinus headache when I began writing today but, thanks to a pill, it's all better now and I'm back to my happy place. Not THAT happy place...I only visit that place when I have alone time late at night while watching the female version of the Shake Weight
commercial.As I hand this silly little documentation of my happy corner of the world over to Osama Bin Mike to proof read before he beats one of his children senseless for ending a sentence in a preposition, I'm going to see a concert tonight. Irritable Bowel Syndrome is opening up for Skull F*ck.
I can assure you that they're tons better than Nickelback
copyright Pontchartrain Press 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Get Off The Bus
For many people a job is more than an income – it's an important part of who we are. So a career transition of any sort is one of the most unsettling experiences you can face in your life. -- Paul Clitheroe
I have a friend of mine who’s trapped within the confines of a miserable job. Allow me to clarify- he’s working for a company well within his tenured career path, he’s just not challenged…at all.
This seems to be a common mistake that employers, especially in today’s hustle and bustle, bottom line environment, make all too often. The boss is not entirely to blame-- employees are equally guilty for either not talking with the boss or by silently sinking into complacency.
The right people are on the bus…sometimes they’re simply not in the correct seats.
Speaking of which, we took a vote around the table today and decided that Mike, the editor, shall be strapped onto the hood of the bus while we ram it into the car in front of us.
I asked my buddy to give me the scoop- I wanted to know why he wasn’t happy and how he planned to handle the situation.
He explained that he absolutely LOVED his career and felt deep passion for the work which he’s performed for almost 20-years…he simply felt that his employer was not a good one.
He went on to explain that his employer THINKS that they're good to their employees but they often cut corners by placing workers and supervisors in positions in which they are grossly under qualified or too lazy to effectively perform.
This company is also heavily regulated by the United States government and frequently administers certification tests on which many employees cheat for company appearances sake. I immediately asked the logical question…
When did you begin working for Congress or the broadcast media business??
Sensing that my friend was truly in agony over the decision at hand, I tossed all silliness and joking aside and began to do the Sudoko puzzle on his counter-top. Oh, and then I asked what I could do to help.
He asked if I would assist him in drafting a letter of resignation to his manager. I did what any logical person in this position would do...I pretended that I didn’t hear his question. After repeating his plea, I finally asked…
Have you ever actually READ any of my juvenile silliness???
I worked for a news director who asked me to write a story for the “print” version of our on-air news site one time. I suppose I did such a good job that I was never asked to write for the Internet site again.
I’ve hidden the name of the city in the interest of a confidentiality agreement which I signed upon my decision to, as they worded it in the memo, “pursue other interests.”
I’ve cut and pasted the actual (important to note) copy points as originally received. Please read it carefully:
The state Lottey Corp. says one ticket purchased in (city name) won the $85.7 million multistate Powerball drawing Satuday night.
The winning ticket was puchased at the Circle K convenence store on Airpot Highway and the store will receive a one-time bonus of $25,000.
The prize for the next Powerball drawing will be an estimated $20 million on Wednesday.
Okay…and now for the news brief, as interpreted by me, in my filed report:
Lotto Winner Tells His Boss To Eat It!!
-After years of throwing away children’s tuition money, local man went into convenience store for a microwave burrito, walks away facing life of bitter in-fighting amongst greedy family members
(City Name)- Despite continuous, egregious spelling errors from our copy desk assignment editor, (formerly of the Associated Press), he managed to send us this little news scad of which we have been able to assimilate enough pertinent information which confirms that a lucky (city name) man has become the state’s newest multi-millionaire.
At news deadline time we were unable to confirm that steps have been taken to terminate our copy editor, even though numerous formal performance and sexual harassment complaints have been well documented. However, the state Lotto Corp. confirms that the $85.7 million winning ticket was puchased (also known as purchased) at the Circle K on Airport Highway. (formerly known as Airpot Highway)
The store will receive an estimated $25,000 bonus for selling the winning ticket, which should stimulate their net operating budget enough to hire our copy assignment editor away as the new night janitor with roughly $22,445 left over for capital improvement projects.
Lottey officials confirm that the lucky (city name) man has donated $5,000 of his winnings so that the Lotto Corp. might purchase an “R” from Pat Sajak so that their name shall heretofore be spelled corectly (We’re conserving R’s at present until this spelling injustice has been remedied)
This story appeared on our news brief site for about 45-minutes before I was called into the manager’s office. Which was fortuitous for me, since I was ready to go home for the day anyway. As I recall, I went out for beef nachos and then spent the afternoon watching reruns of Scubs.
Ooops…I meant Scrubs.
I don’t know the first thing about writing a letter of resignation- the whole thing seems like a silly process if you ask me:
This letter serves as two weeks notice to terminate my employment with (company name) I value the experience and opportunities that my association has afforded with (company name) and I wish for the company’s continued success.
I will assist in any way possible to ensure a smooth transition upon my departure.
Sincerely,
YUCK!!! What’s with all the formalities? Honestly, WHO talks like that??
Answer: NO ONE
Except for this ass-kisser Program Director. We'll call him Jonathan, primarily because his name is Jim Fleischer. He was the inept assistant director in the corporate office of my former employer.
He also still lived with his mother at age 40. We used to pick his car up and turn it sideways in his parking space so he couldn’t get out. He drove a Mazda Miata…enough said.
Dear (manager name),
After numerous warnings, I am putting this company on notice. My love and passion for life and happiness supersede the necessity to make money to purchase things such as food, shelter, clothing and the occasional pornographic DVD.
This decision does not come easy, but I now know that being in this building and dealing with directors who live at the golf course and have never worked in the trenches a day in their lives has rendered me unable to attain an erection for my girlfriend.
As you can imagine, she is quite distraught as she really loves to have sex and I’d rather she do it with me rather than to seek satisfaction outside the boundaries of our committed relationship.
I, on the other hand, experience numerous forcible sexual encounters each day in the office as Jonathan, the programming assignment genius, regularly bends me over and shoves it in violently as though I have stolen something from him.
I hope this letter finds you well and I wish the best for everyone…except Jonathan. I hope he loses control of his effeminate little quasi car and careens from a 400-foot roadside cliff in the mountains.
Sincerely,
Jim
P.S. I love you!
Toward the end of my tenure with a long time employer in Nashville, the owner brought in a new manager who LOVED long meetings…lots of them.
One time we were to participate in a rather important programming syndication meeting and the manager called a meeting before the meeting to discuss what we would talk about in the meeting.
It's important to note that we then had a post meeting meeting to assess the supplier meeting results…I wish that I were making this up.
It reached a point where I absolutely dreaded looking down at the phone to see that she was calling for me.
She always called at the worst moments possible, when I was doing important things such as breathing, blinking my eyes or having some semblance of an otherwise peaceful day.
Beth The Boss Of The Year:
“Jim, could you come upstairs for a quick meeting?”
I found myself wishing that a maniacal, angry gorilla would escape from the zoo and rub feces in my face and then beat me to death with a tree branch whenever she called.
As a note of interest, not long after I left the company I heard that she got fired because no one could reach their work deadlines. Shocking. I wonder how THAT meeting worked out for her?
The workplace is full of interesting and downright absurd stories, from both the employer and employee side.
The last manager I worked with at "The Channel Of Clarity Communications," and I’m not making this up, advocated fabricating a lie when calling out of work.
Rather than embracing honesty as the best policy, like calling out because one wants to attend a concert or might feel that working around absurdity on a particular day might cause him/her to jump from the 6th floor balcony, he encouraged us to lie and make up a family emergency or such.
Using his directive as a calling-in template, I crafted the following excuse as per his suggestion. This is my actual resignation letter from a 20-year broadcast career:
Manager: Why aren’t you coming in today?
Me: It’s quite odd actually. I was, in fact, on the way to work when a pack of tigers blocked me in as I was backing down the driveway.
I exited the car to shoo them away when one of the tigers (Tony) offered me a bowl of cereal.
Since I’m on a strict, sugar restrictive diet, I politely declined. Tony (the tiger) went on to advise against going to work.
He felt that I needed some downtime in order to rejuvenate my creative juices, thus being a better and more productive employee.
One of Tony’s tiger buddies, being stricken with a sudden hunger attack, then pounced on a nearby vagrant…mauling him to death. Since I was the only witness, I had to stay home to assist the New Orleans Police Department with their incident report.
Realizing the folly of his previous "calling-in to work protocol" suggestion to a group of smart ass writers, that was the first and last time that our manager recommended stupid ideas.
A funny anecdote about this manager and his assistant- Due to a scheduling snafu, I didn't show up for work one day. I legitimately didn't realize that I was scheduled since these guys use email and text messages as a way of life rather than to glance up from their gadgets and actually speak on the phone or in person.
The previous day I had posted a silly missive on my blog: "I think that I might go join the circus."
They had seriously become concerned that I had indeed joined the circus. I'll pause here in order for that to sink in.
It's important to share the fact that these two are tasked with running a multi-million dollar operation. Oh, my!
They don't speak to me anymore- which really sucks because they provided numerous pages of entertainment.
I’ve written a couple of stories about the best boss I’ve EVER seen and it was a privilege to work with and learn from him. His name is Bob.
Among many respected qualities, he knew how to motivate people but he also realized the importance of surrounding himself with co-workers who respectfully disagreed with him.
A terribly detached station owner and board of directors who replaced our long installed leader asked why I and a few others had decided to move on. I told them that it seemed abundantly clear that the company was no longer serious about doing their business well.
No fancy letter needed.
Fortunately, I’ve heard, that the company has since moved a deserving person from the middle of the bus to the front seat…an excellent choice indeed, as she has led their business to new heights...without conducting a hundred meetings per day.
Back to my friend and a draft of the letter that I figured to be best for he and his situation:
Dear (manager name),
After years of dedication to a career that I love so dearly, I have decided to move on to a new and exciting chapter in my life.
The truth of the matter is that I find myself unbearably attracted to you.
I know we are of the same sex, and I’ve never really had a sexual longing for another man but, whenever you enter the room, the sweet smell of your natural man fragrance, with a hint of Dial Cool Ocean Mist body wash, simply makes it impossible for me to concentrate.
Sometimes I get so nervous around you that I have to sprint to the restroom to do number 2.**
**(I have a spastic colon)
I’ll miss the countless days when I would try to guess which tie you would wear to work and, when I guessed correctly, I was convinced that it was an omen…a sign that this would finally be the day. The day in which you would debonairly announce that you’ve left your wife and we could purchase a Toyota Tundra and run off to Vermont where we’d spend our days picking blueberries and planting peppers.
At any rate, I treasure my time with the company and I’ll never, ever, ever, EVER forget about you.
Hopelessly yours,
At the very least, my friend smiled when he read my silliness, thus redirecting his mind to happier thoughts.
As far as his next move? I don’t know. I did offer this piece of advice…I pointed out that people spend a majority of their lives at work…that’s a lot of time investment not to be happy. It’s not good for he or his employer.
Unfortunately, this is not an isolated issue- at present, I know three people who love their work but absolutely hate their job and I'll bet you do too.
As long as it's not a doctor who's about to cut me open or my pilot, I'll feel a sense of relief.
I love what I do, and for that I am thankful. However, all of this writing has rendered me exhausted so I'm gonna close the computer and watch Wheel of Fortune. I'm hoping for lots of "R" pu_chases in honor of the copy assignment editor.
SinceRely,
copy R ight PontchaRtRain PRess 2010
*Author's Note: The Channel Of Clarity Manager has since moved on to pursue other interests. I suppose he found the bus stop
I have a friend of mine who’s trapped within the confines of a miserable job. Allow me to clarify- he’s working for a company well within his tenured career path, he’s just not challenged…at all.
This seems to be a common mistake that employers, especially in today’s hustle and bustle, bottom line environment, make all too often. The boss is not entirely to blame-- employees are equally guilty for either not talking with the boss or by silently sinking into complacency.
The right people are on the bus…sometimes they’re simply not in the correct seats.
Speaking of which, we took a vote around the table today and decided that Mike, the editor, shall be strapped onto the hood of the bus while we ram it into the car in front of us.
I asked my buddy to give me the scoop- I wanted to know why he wasn’t happy and how he planned to handle the situation.
He explained that he absolutely LOVED his career and felt deep passion for the work which he’s performed for almost 20-years…he simply felt that his employer was not a good one.
He went on to explain that his employer THINKS that they're good to their employees but they often cut corners by placing workers and supervisors in positions in which they are grossly under qualified or too lazy to effectively perform.
This company is also heavily regulated by the United States government and frequently administers certification tests on which many employees cheat for company appearances sake. I immediately asked the logical question…
When did you begin working for Congress or the broadcast media business??
Sensing that my friend was truly in agony over the decision at hand, I tossed all silliness and joking aside and began to do the Sudoko puzzle on his counter-top. Oh, and then I asked what I could do to help.
He asked if I would assist him in drafting a letter of resignation to his manager. I did what any logical person in this position would do...I pretended that I didn’t hear his question. After repeating his plea, I finally asked…
Have you ever actually READ any of my juvenile silliness???
I worked for a news director who asked me to write a story for the “print” version of our on-air news site one time. I suppose I did such a good job that I was never asked to write for the Internet site again.
I’ve hidden the name of the city in the interest of a confidentiality agreement which I signed upon my decision to, as they worded it in the memo, “pursue other interests.”
I’ve cut and pasted the actual (important to note) copy points as originally received. Please read it carefully:
The state Lottey Corp. says one ticket purchased in (city name) won the $85.7 million multistate Powerball drawing Satuday night.
The winning ticket was puchased at the Circle K convenence store on Airpot Highway and the store will receive a one-time bonus of $25,000.
The prize for the next Powerball drawing will be an estimated $20 million on Wednesday.
Okay…and now for the news brief, as interpreted by me, in my filed report:
Lotto Winner Tells His Boss To Eat It!!
-After years of throwing away children’s tuition money, local man went into convenience store for a microwave burrito, walks away facing life of bitter in-fighting amongst greedy family members
(City Name)- Despite continuous, egregious spelling errors from our copy desk assignment editor, (formerly of the Associated Press), he managed to send us this little news scad of which we have been able to assimilate enough pertinent information which confirms that a lucky (city name) man has become the state’s newest multi-millionaire.
At news deadline time we were unable to confirm that steps have been taken to terminate our copy editor, even though numerous formal performance and sexual harassment complaints have been well documented. However, the state Lotto Corp. confirms that the $85.7 million winning ticket was puchased (also known as purchased) at the Circle K on Airport Highway. (formerly known as Airpot Highway)
The store will receive an estimated $25,000 bonus for selling the winning ticket, which should stimulate their net operating budget enough to hire our copy assignment editor away as the new night janitor with roughly $22,445 left over for capital improvement projects.
Lottey officials confirm that the lucky (city name) man has donated $5,000 of his winnings so that the Lotto Corp. might purchase an “R” from Pat Sajak so that their name shall heretofore be spelled corectly (We’re conserving R’s at present until this spelling injustice has been remedied)
This story appeared on our news brief site for about 45-minutes before I was called into the manager’s office. Which was fortuitous for me, since I was ready to go home for the day anyway. As I recall, I went out for beef nachos and then spent the afternoon watching reruns of Scubs.
Ooops…I meant Scrubs.
I don’t know the first thing about writing a letter of resignation- the whole thing seems like a silly process if you ask me:
This letter serves as two weeks notice to terminate my employment with (company name) I value the experience and opportunities that my association has afforded with (company name) and I wish for the company’s continued success.
I will assist in any way possible to ensure a smooth transition upon my departure.
Sincerely,
YUCK!!! What’s with all the formalities? Honestly, WHO talks like that??
Answer: NO ONE
Except for this ass-kisser Program Director. We'll call him Jonathan, primarily because his name is Jim Fleischer. He was the inept assistant director in the corporate office of my former employer.
He also still lived with his mother at age 40. We used to pick his car up and turn it sideways in his parking space so he couldn’t get out. He drove a Mazda Miata…enough said.
Dear (manager name),
After numerous warnings, I am putting this company on notice. My love and passion for life and happiness supersede the necessity to make money to purchase things such as food, shelter, clothing and the occasional pornographic DVD.
This decision does not come easy, but I now know that being in this building and dealing with directors who live at the golf course and have never worked in the trenches a day in their lives has rendered me unable to attain an erection for my girlfriend.
As you can imagine, she is quite distraught as she really loves to have sex and I’d rather she do it with me rather than to seek satisfaction outside the boundaries of our committed relationship.
I, on the other hand, experience numerous forcible sexual encounters each day in the office as Jonathan, the programming assignment genius, regularly bends me over and shoves it in violently as though I have stolen something from him.
I hope this letter finds you well and I wish the best for everyone…except Jonathan. I hope he loses control of his effeminate little quasi car and careens from a 400-foot roadside cliff in the mountains.
Sincerely,
Jim
P.S. I love you!
Toward the end of my tenure with a long time employer in Nashville, the owner brought in a new manager who LOVED long meetings…lots of them.
One time we were to participate in a rather important programming syndication meeting and the manager called a meeting before the meeting to discuss what we would talk about in the meeting.
It's important to note that we then had a post meeting meeting to assess the supplier meeting results…I wish that I were making this up.
It reached a point where I absolutely dreaded looking down at the phone to see that she was calling for me.
She always called at the worst moments possible, when I was doing important things such as breathing, blinking my eyes or having some semblance of an otherwise peaceful day.
Beth The Boss Of The Year:
“Jim, could you come upstairs for a quick meeting?”
I found myself wishing that a maniacal, angry gorilla would escape from the zoo and rub feces in my face and then beat me to death with a tree branch whenever she called.
As a note of interest, not long after I left the company I heard that she got fired because no one could reach their work deadlines. Shocking. I wonder how THAT meeting worked out for her?
The workplace is full of interesting and downright absurd stories, from both the employer and employee side.
The last manager I worked with at "The Channel Of Clarity Communications," and I’m not making this up, advocated fabricating a lie when calling out of work.
Rather than embracing honesty as the best policy, like calling out because one wants to attend a concert or might feel that working around absurdity on a particular day might cause him/her to jump from the 6th floor balcony, he encouraged us to lie and make up a family emergency or such.
Using his directive as a calling-in template, I crafted the following excuse as per his suggestion. This is my actual resignation letter from a 20-year broadcast career:
Manager: Why aren’t you coming in today?
Me: It’s quite odd actually. I was, in fact, on the way to work when a pack of tigers blocked me in as I was backing down the driveway.
I exited the car to shoo them away when one of the tigers (Tony) offered me a bowl of cereal.
Since I’m on a strict, sugar restrictive diet, I politely declined. Tony (the tiger) went on to advise against going to work.
He felt that I needed some downtime in order to rejuvenate my creative juices, thus being a better and more productive employee.
One of Tony’s tiger buddies, being stricken with a sudden hunger attack, then pounced on a nearby vagrant…mauling him to death. Since I was the only witness, I had to stay home to assist the New Orleans Police Department with their incident report.
Realizing the folly of his previous "calling-in to work protocol" suggestion to a group of smart ass writers, that was the first and last time that our manager recommended stupid ideas.
A funny anecdote about this manager and his assistant- Due to a scheduling snafu, I didn't show up for work one day. I legitimately didn't realize that I was scheduled since these guys use email and text messages as a way of life rather than to glance up from their gadgets and actually speak on the phone or in person.
The previous day I had posted a silly missive on my blog: "I think that I might go join the circus."
They had seriously become concerned that I had indeed joined the circus. I'll pause here in order for that to sink in.
It's important to share the fact that these two are tasked with running a multi-million dollar operation. Oh, my!
They don't speak to me anymore- which really sucks because they provided numerous pages of entertainment.
I’ve written a couple of stories about the best boss I’ve EVER seen and it was a privilege to work with and learn from him. His name is Bob.
Among many respected qualities, he knew how to motivate people but he also realized the importance of surrounding himself with co-workers who respectfully disagreed with him.
A terribly detached station owner and board of directors who replaced our long installed leader asked why I and a few others had decided to move on. I told them that it seemed abundantly clear that the company was no longer serious about doing their business well.
No fancy letter needed.
Fortunately, I’ve heard, that the company has since moved a deserving person from the middle of the bus to the front seat…an excellent choice indeed, as she has led their business to new heights...without conducting a hundred meetings per day.
Back to my friend and a draft of the letter that I figured to be best for he and his situation:
Dear (manager name),
After years of dedication to a career that I love so dearly, I have decided to move on to a new and exciting chapter in my life.
The truth of the matter is that I find myself unbearably attracted to you.
I know we are of the same sex, and I’ve never really had a sexual longing for another man but, whenever you enter the room, the sweet smell of your natural man fragrance, with a hint of Dial Cool Ocean Mist body wash, simply makes it impossible for me to concentrate.
Sometimes I get so nervous around you that I have to sprint to the restroom to do number 2.**
**(I have a spastic colon)
I’ll miss the countless days when I would try to guess which tie you would wear to work and, when I guessed correctly, I was convinced that it was an omen…a sign that this would finally be the day. The day in which you would debonairly announce that you’ve left your wife and we could purchase a Toyota Tundra and run off to Vermont where we’d spend our days picking blueberries and planting peppers.
At any rate, I treasure my time with the company and I’ll never, ever, ever, EVER forget about you.
Hopelessly yours,
At the very least, my friend smiled when he read my silliness, thus redirecting his mind to happier thoughts.
As far as his next move? I don’t know. I did offer this piece of advice…I pointed out that people spend a majority of their lives at work…that’s a lot of time investment not to be happy. It’s not good for he or his employer.
Unfortunately, this is not an isolated issue- at present, I know three people who love their work but absolutely hate their job and I'll bet you do too.
As long as it's not a doctor who's about to cut me open or my pilot, I'll feel a sense of relief.
I love what I do, and for that I am thankful. However, all of this writing has rendered me exhausted so I'm gonna close the computer and watch Wheel of Fortune. I'm hoping for lots of "R" pu_chases in honor of the copy assignment editor.
SinceRely,
copy R ight PontchaRtRain PRess 2010
*Author's Note: The Channel Of Clarity Manager has since moved on to pursue other interests. I suppose he found the bus stop
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