I recently browsed my in-box and decided to spend some time with the peeps to answer emails. This is precisely what got me into trouble with an employer once.
Many thanks to the loyal readers and first time readers. Sorry it's taken a while to respond to your messages, but my neighbor's kid has been trying to teach me how to play Halo and, as it seems, I'm about as coordinated as a crackhead going through de-tox. Here goes...
From: Sarah M.I’m an English teacher and couldn’t help but notice a few slight errors in your latest writing. Just a few punctuation and a few grammatical infractions.
Reply from: Jim Patrick:Infractions??? (Definition: failure to obey or fulfill a law, contract, or agreement)
This sounds serious! Should I alert my attorney?
Actually, you are my hero. Mainly for being a teacher. You are equally my hero because you just assisted in winning a wager I placed with Mike The Editor. I purposely inserted a few errors for three reasons:
1. I enjoy parallel, abstract humor. I do it for the smart kids. And…because I’m eclectic. (Translation: I had three shots of Irish whiskey while writing that piece)
2. I submitted my writing piece for Jack (The child mentioned in the article) to grade; in order to verify that he learned something from spending any amount of time with the least likely parental figure on the planet earth.
3. I was secretly trying to prompt an English teacher to send me an email so that I might garner a date from this egregious editing omission. I love to be picked apart, as it reminds me of my last relationship. Call me sentimental. XOXO.
What are your plans for this Friday evening? I’d love to help you grade papers over a Chateaubriand with roasted new potatoes and a bottle of Rodney Strong.
At any rate, Mike The Editor took my bet, that no one would notice, and you proved him to be incorrect. Such is his lot in life so I’m reasonably confident that it did not come as a crushing blow to him.
Should you join me for a date, I promise to behave as a perfect gentleman and I will leave my dangling participle where it belongs. I save that for the THIRD date.
From: Thomas G.Just read “Back to Skool.“ Loved it!! It seems we know the same people, they just have different names. I know people identical to the people you write about. There was a guy I knew who could be talked into trying anything. Oh, and your “Wanted, new Friends ASAP" submission reminded me of my friend Randall. Someone who gives you a last minute invite and "by the way can you bring more Ice and a 12 pack?" Keep writing, I'm reading. We DO have computers in Canada. LOL!
Reply from: Jim Patrick:First of all, please accept my deepest condolences for knowing people such as my friends. You also have my heartfelt sympathy for living in a place where one’s pee pee freezes before it hits the ground in wintertime.
Not that I make it a regular practice of urinating outdoors. Mostly I simply do number-one in my pants so as not to draw attention.
BTW, if you ever decide to cross the border for a visit to the land of inadequate healthcare and high-speed car chases, I’d love to chat. Could you bring a bag of ice and a 12-pack?
From: Missy J.
You must have spent time in Ohio. I know a lot of people very similar to the people you write about in your blog.
Reply from: Jim Patrick:
Your name sounds like a pop star. Are you a pop star?? If not, you SHOULD be with a name such as yours. It's irrelevant as to your singing abilities, as evidenced by tuning-in to Pop Music radio stations.
To answer your question...Actually, I DID spend time in Ohio-- not by accident. My friend, Justin, is a public relations spokesperson for the Transportation Security Administration. He’s always naturally, and obnoxiously, skeptical of everything. Which is why he creeps me out sometimes. He has a metal detector on his front door and forces his friends to remove their shoes before entering his condo. BTW, we also are not allowed to bring containers with more than 3oz of fluid inside, making his condo a terrible place to go for drinks.
Due to loopholes and adjustments in personal privacy laws, Justin is, however, a good person to know. It’s no coincidence that you know similar people as those I write about. They ARE your friends. Justin facilitated a window of opportunity for me to monitor your every move and the activities of your friends. And, now that you’ve emailed me, I have personal access to your banking, credit report and personal business matters. BTW again, it appears that you are five days late on your car payment and two months in arrears on your student loan.
Thanks for reading and for taking time to send me an email. We’ll be in touch…very soon.
From: Matthew D.
Someone just gave me a link to your blog. Very funny stuff. How long have you been writing this stuff. I want to read back blogs.
Reply from: Jim Patrick
Who gave you a link to my blog?? My blog is private and not for public consumption. Are you a hacker?? Since it's obvious that you take some sort of pleasure in reading people's personal diaries, the back blogs will soon be available in book form. I will send you a personal copy if you promise to stop invading my privacy.
From: Christina L.
Hey. i have sent a link to your site to eleven friends of mine. Ten of them LOVE it, however one blocked my email and de-friended me on Facebook.
Reply from: Jim Patrick
I like to think of my blog as a great friend filter. Eleven friends is entirely too many for one to have anyway. I closed down the friend application desk years ago and am now simply offering casual acquaintance status to about fifteen people in the friend “overflow“ waiting room. By casual and acquaintance, I mean random sexual encounters. I’m KIDDING…it’s actually only nine people. What are you doing tonight?
From: Jessie R.
How often does your column appear? I don't want to miss it.
Reply from: Jim Patrick
Every 3rd second quarter of a new moon…and only for 18 and a half minutes. You just missed it!! Sorry.
From: Amanda W.
One Question? How do you remember all this stuff.
Reply from: Jim Patrick
What stuff?
From: Chris R.
Have you ever lived in Decatur, Illinois. You remind me of a song writer I once knew.
Reply from: Jim Patrick
I’ve been to Decatur. The combined aroma from the food processing plant and the paper mill was delightful. Do you possess an oxygen mask by chance?
Funny you should mention songwriting. I am working on my FIRST song right now. My friend Steve is going through a bad breakup and I told him it would be therapeutic to put things on paper. It‘s a second spoken verse rendition of the classic Elvis song, “Are You Lonesome Tonight“
“I wonder if you’re lonesome tonight? Someone once said the world’s a stage and each of us play a part…
ACT 1 WAS WHEN YOU SAID YOU WEREN’T CRAZY
ACT 2 WAS WHEN I DISCOVERED THAT YOU WERE CLINICALLY INSANE
ACT 3 WAS WHEN I BECAME SCARED TO EVEN SLEEP IN THE SAME ZIP CODE AS YOU
HONEY, YOU LIED WHEN YOU CALLED AND SAID YOU DIDN’T DE-FRIEND ME ON FACE BOOK AND THAT IT MUST HAVE BEEN A GLITCH. WHO KNEW THAT FACE BOOK HAS THE “CLICK HERE TO BE PASIVE AGGRESSIVE” BUTTON?
IT WAS NICE TO HEAR FROM YOU TODAY…ALL 15 TIMES. I LOVE IT WHEN YOU SAY SWEET THINGS TO ME LIKE…CAN I BORROW 100 DOLLARS?
WHAT’S FUNNIER IS THAT THE CONCEPT OF THE WORD BORROW ISN’T EVEN IN YOUR VOCABULARY. THAT’S LIKE SAYING HEY CAN I BORROW YOUR LIVER FOR A LITTLE WHILE?
WHICH REMINDS ME…CAN I BORROW 5 YEARS OF MY LIFE BACK. JUST FOR A MINUTE?
ANYWAY, I’VE GOT YOUR 100 DOLLARS AND I’M GONNA SPEND EVERY BIT OF IT TONIGHT. THE BARTENDER HAS AGREED TO LET ME BORROW SOME DRINKS.
It’s still rough around the edges, but I think it will come together.
From: Holly T.
Hey You gotta be from California. You only find people like that here in the Golden State.
Reply from: Jim Patrick
Thank you. That explains all of the high-speed car chases, road rage and medicinal marijuana
From: Julius P.
I showed your blog to my ex-wife. We're getting back together.
Reply from: Jim Patrick
Are you aware that your name itself is an omen? If she invites you to the Forum…don’t say you weren’t warned.
From: Kirk A.
Have you ever been in Prison? I bet you could write some funny crap from the big house. If you haven't then you need to do something to get a 6 months to a year sentence and let the words flow.
Reply from: Jim Patrick
When I was 17 I received community service for photocopying my butt at a public copy machine. I don’t think I’d like prison. Actually, I don’t think that I would enjoy prison SEX. Unless it’s with the right person, of course.
From: Shannon P.
I had a very funny experience at Red Lobster this past weekend. Do you want to hear about it?
Reply from: Jim Patrick
I think I just did. Anyway, would you mind if I wait for the movie version?
From: Douglass G.
Please write about me in your stories. I think it would impress Megan who works in accounting.
Reply from: Jim Patrick
(I believe we’ve got ourselves a winning screenplay Doug)
I once knew this guy, Douglass, who was always so incredibly needy. Doug simply wasn’t happy unless he was the center of attention. He even legally changed his name, adding an extra “S” to his first name just to be different.
He met a young woman in the accounting department at his place of business and immediately fell in love.
Douglass fervently tried everything he could in order to catch Megan’s attention, hoping to generate a spark which would, ideally, ignite the passionate, everlasting flames of love between the two of them.
Megan began hanging out a lot with Joshua, an attractive colleague who works on the 1st floor in Quality Control.
Douglass began showing up in places where he knew Joshua would be, in order to size him up, hoping to distinguish the exact nature of his and Megan’s relationship.
He would, coincidentally, be at Josh’s favorite dance club or coffee house, the grocery store, Josh's living room closet, the back seat of his car, etc. It came to a point where Joshua had to file for a restraining order for fear that he and his lover, Kent, were being targeted by a homophobic maniac.
Doug launched a final, desperate, campaign so that he could FINALLY catch Megan’s eye. He came to work one day with an improvised explosive device strapped to his chest and an automatic assault rifle.
As these things go, Douglass got the attention he so desperately desired as a SWAT team sniper killed him with a precision shot from the top of the building next door.
The traumatic series of events were more than Joshua could stomach. Soon after, he and Kent moved to Vermont and were married. Megan received a promotion, to Doug’s former position, and everyone lived happily ever after. Except, of course, Douglass. The End.
(Cue closing credits music: Edwin McCain “I’ll Be”)
Thanks to a few thousand readers (and growing), I now have more interesting mail in my in-box other than Craig's List "casual encounters" responses and CNN News Alerts.
It appears that Pontchartrain has gone international...welcome to the new readers in the Russian Federation, Canada, The United Kingdom, Switzerland, Australia, Germany and Turkey. To you, I say Buenos Dias Amigos!!
Please feel free to email anytime. In return, I promise that none of Pontchartrain Press' United States readers will ever invade your respective countries. (Note to Canada: This is conditional. We're watching you closely)
copyright Pontchartrain Press 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
Back To Skool
I did fairly well in school as a kid. I wasn’t nearly as advanced as a friend of mine who recently announced the following via instant message as I was doing research for a writing assignment:
“i was reading a t 5th grade level when i was 3, but i was kind of a savant”
Apparently “savants” have a morbid fear of capitalizing the letter “I” while typing. I was impressed with her abstract grammatical humor by spacing between the A and the T. Preposition usage/rule humor turns me on, almost as much as barely clothed women. Brilliant!
Now…where was i at?
My sense of what was funny went largely unappreciated by several of my teachers. Mine was not gratuitous trouble making though. I put thought into it--- sometimes employing the use of graphics and flowcharts. Oh, and one time we employed an industrial-sized bag of ready to eat slaw, an empty wrapping paper spool and gunpowder from a 400-pack of firecrackers.
With the unsuspecting assistance of the school janitor, who was taking a nap break, it was a large success. With the exception of detention.
My Architecture teacher, Mr. Cummings (yes, his real name) was a very good sport and a good man. He was impressed with my floor plans but couldn't understand why I and a couple of the guys in class occasionally made life so difficult for him.
Example:
One time I designed a complete set of floor and elevation plans for a round house on 20ft stilts. I encouraged three of my fellow classmates to design equally complicated structures. Our teacher's main frustration? He had to GRADE the projects.
It took him forever, thus distracting him long enough so we could slip away for a while to flirt with the girls in the Office Vocational lab down the hall.
That is, until the Office Voc. teacher escorted us back to Architecture class. There stood Mr. Cummings, solemnly staring at us like an embarrassed father.
Yes indeed...calculated, well thought out fun. I'm sure that we probably turned Mr. Cummings into a chain smoking alcoholic.
I enjoyed Physics Class also-- Now that I think about it, I suppose I enjoyed TESTING the laws of physics more so. Especially as they related to Billy Haskins.
Billy was part of our group of friends who provided endless comic relief, in that he would say or do anything we asked. (Note: Billy did NOT do so well in Physics...Math, English, Social Studies, Art, Phys. Ed. or Shop.) One time, we convinced him that if he held tightly to a bundle of about 50 bottle rockets in each hand that they would lift him off the ground.
Our Physics teacher, Mr. Hepler, was a short, mean, creepy gentleman but he knew physics like no one else. He ran a very strict classroom, which provided numerous hours of entertainment and abundant opportunities to test, what we liked to call, “Hepler’s Laws.”
For the purposes of proving our hypotheses, Billy Haskins served as our Guinea Pig.
One such experiment came when we had Billy test Newtonian Mechanics as they relate to the three laws of motion:
#1 An object (tennis ball) at rest will remain at rest unless acted on by an unbalanced force (Billy Haskins)
#2 Acceleration is produced when a force acts on a mass. (Here comes the wind-up, momentum builds and...BOOM! Billy throws the ball directly to the back of Mr. Hepler’s head)
#3 For every action there is an equal and opposite re-action.
It’s important to note that, for his small stature, Mr. Hepler defied the laws of physics as he must have been a starting batter for the Boston Red Sox. He also possessed a paddle which was the size of a live oak tree.
We partially disproved Newton’s third law of motion that day, therefore, our experiment was successful. Not so for Billy. There was an OPPOSITE reaction, however, it was far from equal.
Billy couldn't sit down for a while after he and Mr. Hepler conducted their own motion/force/mass experiment in the hallway.
For the parents who might be reading this, if you’d like to share this helpful experiment with your children, the equation is:
F=Gm1m2/d^2
Unless you’re in the mood for a parent/teacher conference, I suggest having them look it up rather than to take a hands-on approach such as me and the guys.
This is an excellent moment in time to point out that I am not a role model for children. Which is why I was puzzled when a friend of mine, a single parent, asked if I might assist her son, Jack, with his homework.
He’d been having some difficulties and she, somehow, thought it to be a good idea for him to spend some time with me. If only my mother and father were alive to warn her.
It’s not that I don’t like kids, I like them just fine. However, the two things I like BEST about kids would be:
1. That they belong to someone else
2. They make for great slave-labor around my house and yard
Jack’s first assignment, after he finished organizing my cluttered storage room, was from English class. He was given a writing “prompt” and tasked with outlining his general observations and feelings…in proper writing form. I stood ready to give Jack some helpful pointers, until I read the “prompt.” I felt it necessary to take on a larger role.
(Note: For reader convenience, I've underlined some items in the assignment)
Melissa and her family were at a restaurant. They are
eating Melissa’s favorite food: EXTRA cheese pizza! While she is
eating, Melissa notices a man yelling at his waitress. He is
angry because his food took longer than usual to
prepare. He had been waiting for a long time. The
waitress keeps apologizing to the man, but he doesn’t
seem to get any less angry. Finally, the man stops
yelling and starts eating his food. The waitress walks
away slowly. She is obviously upset. Was the man
right to yell at the waitress like that? Why or why not?
What would you have done instead? Have you ever
been in a similar situation? How did you feel?
Dear Mrs. Hanner,
Before I share my feelings about the famished, loud man, I’d like to point out/clarify a few things in the above scenario.
The subjunctive mood of the verbs “Were” and “Are”** in the first two sentences do not agree.
**(Note: I realize that I capitalized “are” and “were“ but it was for illustrative purposes)
Question: Is this gentleman an alcoholic? My next door neighbor tips the bottle quite often and, when the bottom fell out of the stock market, he began to drink heavily. Of course he also became verbally abusive to his girlfriend and those around him.
He could also regularly be found passed out on his back porch in his underwear, which was a good thing as one can not yell when they are passed out.
I will assume that he is simply a social misfit who, most likely, holds an inexplicable level of derisory qualities due to the world not revolving around his every desire.**
**(Note: Sort of like my older sister)
Having no intimate knowledge of specific interaction between the Pizza Monster** and his server, I really hold an inconclusive opinion as to whether he was right or wrong.
It occurs to me that perhaps she cut him off from the bar or maybe she made unwanted advances toward him. What does the Pizza Monster look like? And, is the server attractive or ugly?
***(Note: Notice that I capitalized Pizza Monster. Since we don’t know his name, I've created a “proper name” for the fat man. Assuming, of course, that he is fat)
In assessing the SERVER’S** general mood after Pizza Monster began eating, it’s important to possess inside knowledge as to the activities which may or may not have taken place behind the kitchen doors moments earlier.
**(Anachronistic Note: They don’t like to be called “waitresses” as used in your scenario.)
I’d say that the Misanthrope Pizza Monster from Outer Space** probably enjoyed an extra cheese pizza with an extra helping of saliva, lovingly provided by the entire kitchen and wait staff once they retrieved it from the filthy, greasy kitchen floor.
**(Note: I decided to give tubby the non-tipper a better name)
Since the writing-prompt scenario on my assignment sheet appears to be the world’s longest paragraph, I found it quite difficult to follow. I hope that the movie is much more captivating. Perhaps Ridley Scott or Tim Burton could direct it.
I would also point out that it seems rather irresponsible for a school to promote unhealthy eating habits to a group of 12-year old kids.
On to the next assignment…Math Class, Jack‘s biggest weakness.
Jack’s math teacher, Mrs. Blankenship, sent home a series of word-problems, with which he was experiencing some difficulty. Following, is the ACTUAL transcript of the hand-out sheet:
The Target Store® was running a special sale on Halo Reach for the X-Box 360 game system. They are retail priced at $59.99 each and they have 30 boxes on the shelve and 50 boxes in the stockroom.
a) How many games do they have in stock?
b) What is the total retail amount of the shelve stock?
c) What is the total retail amount of the entire stock?
We’ll get to the numbers shortly; but first, I’m curious as to whether Microsoft® or Halo® paid for advertising placement on this mathematics class homework assignment sheet.
If they did, I will use this as a prime example of genius marketing in my 3rd period General Business class with Mrs. Fitzgerald. I haven't seen product placement such as this since Joe Camel®
Speaking of marketing protocol, Target’s proper name does not include the word “The.” It was especially detail oriented to include a “registered” symbol in the name, however, it should immediately follow the name “Target.”
Now that I think about it, there's no such thing as "The Target Store.” It's simply Target®. (Or, as annoying people call it, "Tar-Jaay").
In noting the usage of the word “Was” as past 1st &3rd singular of the word “Be”, I assume that the sale has concluded?
I certainly understand how such a sale would end so quickly as $59.99 was, I meant, IS a good price. At any rate, please consider using the combination of is/are or was/were...depending on the length of this amazing sale.
I will “shelve” any further speculation so as not to miss this sale before the remaining Halo Reach boxes disappear from the “SHELF.”
My mom's friend, Jim, plans to help me close the gap on a $25.00** deficit in my savings so that I may go purchase Halo Reach this weekend. He's having me mow his lawn, wash all of his windows and till and plant an entire winter vegetable garden in his back yard.
**Note: If Halo Reach at the Target Store is/was priced at $59.99 and my savings shows a $25.00 deficit in the amount needed, what are the total savings that Jim is receiving for the work that I must perform?
You’re a great math teacher by the way! I’m not sure if you’re friends with my English Comp teacher, Mrs. Hanner, but you might want to hang out with her sometime. Perhaps she might offer to take a peek at your homework instruction sheets before you distribute them to impressionable minds. That is, if she has time.
As far as the math problem, the respective answers are:
80
$1,799.00
$4,799.20
Not including state and/or local sales tax of course.
I feel confident about Jack’s homework achievements this week and I also feel quite strongly that he's going to make a real impression on his teachers.
Final stop, History class...
Jack informed me that he enjoys this class, however, the annoying rich kid who sits beside him regularly looks at Jack's test and homework papers to copy his answers. He also tells me that the teacher regularly relies on Wikipedia in dispensing lessons.
Jack was supposed to research and write a brief summation of Thomas Edison's famous invention...the light bulb. For what purpose?? One can only imagine. But, it was his assignment nonetheless:
Thomas Edison held 1,093 patents - an amazing statistic. As astonishing as that figure is, the problem remains that he didn't invent most of them. Most Edison inventions were the work of his technicians. His most famous invention, the electric light, didn't even BELONG to his laboratory.
Four decades before Edison was born, English scientist Sir Humphry Davy invented arc lighting (using a carbon filament). It only burned for a few hours, but Sir "Humpty Doo" invented it nonetheless.
The achievement of Edison's lab was to find the right filament that would burn for days. A major achievement indeed, but not entirely of his own...much like that of the assignment and test scores for the kid who sits to my right in the classroom or those who rely on Wiki as though it is the gold standard.
Jack and I were excited to share the fruits of our labor with his mother and fully expected that she would be equally as excited that he learned some valuable lessons this week. Unfortunately, his mother didn’t seem to share in our joy. Perhaps she was having a bad day.
She asked that he re-do the assignments in a manner which would not get him tossed out of school. What’s the fun in THAT? Plus, I didn't see anything in our work which would be grounds for punishment.
The following day I received a phone call from Jack’s mother informing me that Jack had, in fact, made an executive decision and submitted our collaboration to his teachers.
I’m not sure why she was talking so loudly to me-- the phone connection seemed fine to me, without the need for yelling.
Later that day, I gave Jack a lift home after school-- Right after retrieving him from detention.
All in all I feel strongly hat Jack learned some valuable, real-world, lessons this week. Including Civics.
His detention, for submitting truthful, accurate assignment sheets, landed him in confinement...on the taxpayers dime. Which largely explains why defense lawyers are rich and jails are over-crowded.
In the meantime, countless school bullies, truant kids and general troublemakers were probably sitting at home playing Halo Reach or wandering the street in search for trouble...while Jack sat in detention.
We sat at a little pizza joint with an extra cheese pizza before us...plotting the angle which he would take in writing his upcoming English Comp paper on:
The State of the American Education System (a comprehensive and global comparative dissection)
I feel very good about this project. We're just not going to tell his mother this time.
“i was reading a t 5th grade level when i was 3, but i was kind of a savant”
Apparently “savants” have a morbid fear of capitalizing the letter “I” while typing. I was impressed with her abstract grammatical humor by spacing between the A and the T. Preposition usage/rule humor turns me on, almost as much as barely clothed women. Brilliant!
Now…where was i at?
My sense of what was funny went largely unappreciated by several of my teachers. Mine was not gratuitous trouble making though. I put thought into it--- sometimes employing the use of graphics and flowcharts. Oh, and one time we employed an industrial-sized bag of ready to eat slaw, an empty wrapping paper spool and gunpowder from a 400-pack of firecrackers.
With the unsuspecting assistance of the school janitor, who was taking a nap break, it was a large success. With the exception of detention.
My Architecture teacher, Mr. Cummings (yes, his real name) was a very good sport and a good man. He was impressed with my floor plans but couldn't understand why I and a couple of the guys in class occasionally made life so difficult for him.
Example:
One time I designed a complete set of floor and elevation plans for a round house on 20ft stilts. I encouraged three of my fellow classmates to design equally complicated structures. Our teacher's main frustration? He had to GRADE the projects.
It took him forever, thus distracting him long enough so we could slip away for a while to flirt with the girls in the Office Vocational lab down the hall.
That is, until the Office Voc. teacher escorted us back to Architecture class. There stood Mr. Cummings, solemnly staring at us like an embarrassed father.
Yes indeed...calculated, well thought out fun. I'm sure that we probably turned Mr. Cummings into a chain smoking alcoholic.
I enjoyed Physics Class also-- Now that I think about it, I suppose I enjoyed TESTING the laws of physics more so. Especially as they related to Billy Haskins.
Billy was part of our group of friends who provided endless comic relief, in that he would say or do anything we asked. (Note: Billy did NOT do so well in Physics...Math, English, Social Studies, Art, Phys. Ed. or Shop.) One time, we convinced him that if he held tightly to a bundle of about 50 bottle rockets in each hand that they would lift him off the ground.
Our Physics teacher, Mr. Hepler, was a short, mean, creepy gentleman but he knew physics like no one else. He ran a very strict classroom, which provided numerous hours of entertainment and abundant opportunities to test, what we liked to call, “Hepler’s Laws.”
For the purposes of proving our hypotheses, Billy Haskins served as our Guinea Pig.
One such experiment came when we had Billy test Newtonian Mechanics as they relate to the three laws of motion:
#1 An object (tennis ball) at rest will remain at rest unless acted on by an unbalanced force (Billy Haskins)
#2 Acceleration is produced when a force acts on a mass. (Here comes the wind-up, momentum builds and...BOOM! Billy throws the ball directly to the back of Mr. Hepler’s head)
#3 For every action there is an equal and opposite re-action.
It’s important to note that, for his small stature, Mr. Hepler defied the laws of physics as he must have been a starting batter for the Boston Red Sox. He also possessed a paddle which was the size of a live oak tree.
We partially disproved Newton’s third law of motion that day, therefore, our experiment was successful. Not so for Billy. There was an OPPOSITE reaction, however, it was far from equal.
Billy couldn't sit down for a while after he and Mr. Hepler conducted their own motion/force/mass experiment in the hallway.
For the parents who might be reading this, if you’d like to share this helpful experiment with your children, the equation is:
F=Gm1m2/d^2
Unless you’re in the mood for a parent/teacher conference, I suggest having them look it up rather than to take a hands-on approach such as me and the guys.
This is an excellent moment in time to point out that I am not a role model for children. Which is why I was puzzled when a friend of mine, a single parent, asked if I might assist her son, Jack, with his homework.
He’d been having some difficulties and she, somehow, thought it to be a good idea for him to spend some time with me. If only my mother and father were alive to warn her.
It’s not that I don’t like kids, I like them just fine. However, the two things I like BEST about kids would be:
1. That they belong to someone else
2. They make for great slave-labor around my house and yard
Jack’s first assignment, after he finished organizing my cluttered storage room, was from English class. He was given a writing “prompt” and tasked with outlining his general observations and feelings…in proper writing form. I stood ready to give Jack some helpful pointers, until I read the “prompt.” I felt it necessary to take on a larger role.
(Note: For reader convenience, I've underlined some items in the assignment)
Melissa and her family were at a restaurant. They are
eating Melissa’s favorite food: EXTRA cheese pizza! While she is
eating, Melissa notices a man yelling at his waitress. He is
angry because his food took longer than usual to
prepare. He had been waiting for a long time. The
waitress keeps apologizing to the man, but he doesn’t
seem to get any less angry. Finally, the man stops
yelling and starts eating his food. The waitress walks
away slowly. She is obviously upset. Was the man
right to yell at the waitress like that? Why or why not?
What would you have done instead? Have you ever
been in a similar situation? How did you feel?
Dear Mrs. Hanner,
Before I share my feelings about the famished, loud man, I’d like to point out/clarify a few things in the above scenario.
The subjunctive mood of the verbs “Were” and “Are”** in the first two sentences do not agree.
**(Note: I realize that I capitalized “are” and “were“ but it was for illustrative purposes)
Question: Is this gentleman an alcoholic? My next door neighbor tips the bottle quite often and, when the bottom fell out of the stock market, he began to drink heavily. Of course he also became verbally abusive to his girlfriend and those around him.
He could also regularly be found passed out on his back porch in his underwear, which was a good thing as one can not yell when they are passed out.
I will assume that he is simply a social misfit who, most likely, holds an inexplicable level of derisory qualities due to the world not revolving around his every desire.**
**(Note: Sort of like my older sister)
Having no intimate knowledge of specific interaction between the Pizza Monster** and his server, I really hold an inconclusive opinion as to whether he was right or wrong.
It occurs to me that perhaps she cut him off from the bar or maybe she made unwanted advances toward him. What does the Pizza Monster look like? And, is the server attractive or ugly?
***(Note: Notice that I capitalized Pizza Monster. Since we don’t know his name, I've created a “proper name” for the fat man. Assuming, of course, that he is fat)
In assessing the SERVER’S** general mood after Pizza Monster began eating, it’s important to possess inside knowledge as to the activities which may or may not have taken place behind the kitchen doors moments earlier.
**(Anachronistic Note: They don’t like to be called “waitresses” as used in your scenario.)
I’d say that the Misanthrope Pizza Monster from Outer Space** probably enjoyed an extra cheese pizza with an extra helping of saliva, lovingly provided by the entire kitchen and wait staff once they retrieved it from the filthy, greasy kitchen floor.
**(Note: I decided to give tubby the non-tipper a better name)
Since the writing-prompt scenario on my assignment sheet appears to be the world’s longest paragraph, I found it quite difficult to follow. I hope that the movie is much more captivating. Perhaps Ridley Scott or Tim Burton could direct it.
I would also point out that it seems rather irresponsible for a school to promote unhealthy eating habits to a group of 12-year old kids.
On to the next assignment…Math Class, Jack‘s biggest weakness.
Jack’s math teacher, Mrs. Blankenship, sent home a series of word-problems, with which he was experiencing some difficulty. Following, is the ACTUAL transcript of the hand-out sheet:
The Target Store® was running a special sale on Halo Reach for the X-Box 360 game system. They are retail priced at $59.99 each and they have 30 boxes on the shelve and 50 boxes in the stockroom.
a) How many games do they have in stock?
b) What is the total retail amount of the shelve stock?
c) What is the total retail amount of the entire stock?
We’ll get to the numbers shortly; but first, I’m curious as to whether Microsoft® or Halo® paid for advertising placement on this mathematics class homework assignment sheet.
If they did, I will use this as a prime example of genius marketing in my 3rd period General Business class with Mrs. Fitzgerald. I haven't seen product placement such as this since Joe Camel®
Speaking of marketing protocol, Target’s proper name does not include the word “The.” It was especially detail oriented to include a “registered” symbol in the name, however, it should immediately follow the name “Target.”
Now that I think about it, there's no such thing as "The Target Store.” It's simply Target®. (Or, as annoying people call it, "Tar-Jaay").
In noting the usage of the word “Was” as past 1st &3rd singular of the word “Be”, I assume that the sale has concluded?
I certainly understand how such a sale would end so quickly as $59.99 was, I meant, IS a good price. At any rate, please consider using the combination of is/are or was/were...depending on the length of this amazing sale.
I will “shelve” any further speculation so as not to miss this sale before the remaining Halo Reach boxes disappear from the “SHELF.”
My mom's friend, Jim, plans to help me close the gap on a $25.00** deficit in my savings so that I may go purchase Halo Reach this weekend. He's having me mow his lawn, wash all of his windows and till and plant an entire winter vegetable garden in his back yard.
**Note: If Halo Reach at the Target Store is/was priced at $59.99 and my savings shows a $25.00 deficit in the amount needed, what are the total savings that Jim is receiving for the work that I must perform?
You’re a great math teacher by the way! I’m not sure if you’re friends with my English Comp teacher, Mrs. Hanner, but you might want to hang out with her sometime. Perhaps she might offer to take a peek at your homework instruction sheets before you distribute them to impressionable minds. That is, if she has time.
As far as the math problem, the respective answers are:
80
$1,799.00
$4,799.20
Not including state and/or local sales tax of course.
I feel confident about Jack’s homework achievements this week and I also feel quite strongly that he's going to make a real impression on his teachers.
Final stop, History class...
Jack informed me that he enjoys this class, however, the annoying rich kid who sits beside him regularly looks at Jack's test and homework papers to copy his answers. He also tells me that the teacher regularly relies on Wikipedia in dispensing lessons.
Jack was supposed to research and write a brief summation of Thomas Edison's famous invention...the light bulb. For what purpose?? One can only imagine. But, it was his assignment nonetheless:
Thomas Edison held 1,093 patents - an amazing statistic. As astonishing as that figure is, the problem remains that he didn't invent most of them. Most Edison inventions were the work of his technicians. His most famous invention, the electric light, didn't even BELONG to his laboratory.
Four decades before Edison was born, English scientist Sir Humphry Davy invented arc lighting (using a carbon filament). It only burned for a few hours, but Sir "Humpty Doo" invented it nonetheless.
The achievement of Edison's lab was to find the right filament that would burn for days. A major achievement indeed, but not entirely of his own...much like that of the assignment and test scores for the kid who sits to my right in the classroom or those who rely on Wiki as though it is the gold standard.
Jack and I were excited to share the fruits of our labor with his mother and fully expected that she would be equally as excited that he learned some valuable lessons this week. Unfortunately, his mother didn’t seem to share in our joy. Perhaps she was having a bad day.
She asked that he re-do the assignments in a manner which would not get him tossed out of school. What’s the fun in THAT? Plus, I didn't see anything in our work which would be grounds for punishment.
The following day I received a phone call from Jack’s mother informing me that Jack had, in fact, made an executive decision and submitted our collaboration to his teachers.
I’m not sure why she was talking so loudly to me-- the phone connection seemed fine to me, without the need for yelling.
Later that day, I gave Jack a lift home after school-- Right after retrieving him from detention.
All in all I feel strongly hat Jack learned some valuable, real-world, lessons this week. Including Civics.
His detention, for submitting truthful, accurate assignment sheets, landed him in confinement...on the taxpayers dime. Which largely explains why defense lawyers are rich and jails are over-crowded.
In the meantime, countless school bullies, truant kids and general troublemakers were probably sitting at home playing Halo Reach or wandering the street in search for trouble...while Jack sat in detention.
We sat at a little pizza joint with an extra cheese pizza before us...plotting the angle which he would take in writing his upcoming English Comp paper on:
The State of the American Education System (a comprehensive and global comparative dissection)
I feel very good about this project. We're just not going to tell his mother this time.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Wanted: New Friends...ASAP!
Something absolutely horrible happened in my world this week. Aside from learning that Lindsey Lohan failed her latest drug test and now may have to serve 30-days in jail, I temporarily lost my cell phone for most of the day! What if Lindsey tries to call??
Unfortunately, text messages continue to pile up…whether you hold possession of your phone or not.
Msg from Lisa: Hey…sorry I haven’t called in a while…hope ure doin well. Hey, can I borrow your car this afternoon??
Msg from Pete: We’re grilling tonight and watchin the game if u wanna come by dude
Msg from Haylee: Hey there. I had fun hangin out last nite : )
Msg from Pete: Oh, if u do come by, can you swing by and pick up some extra beer and a couple bags of ice? Thx!!
Msg from Bob: Hey I don‘t have my laptop. Can you check to see if Steve Guttenberg is on an infomercial with Chuck Norris about the Total Gym Fitness Center? Me and John are at the bar and I have a bet with him! He says I’m wrong
Msg from Lisa: Not sure if u got my last txt…can I borrow your car this afternoon?? My boyfriend Jonathan only has a seg-way. Plus, he’s working late at the beauty salon today. Hope ure doin okay. Ure not mad that I’m dating someone Ru???
Msg from John B: Bob is full of shit. I know everything there is to know about Steve Guttenberg. Cocoon is one of my favorite movies of all time. The only commercial he’s been in was a cola commercial. He was NEVER in an infomercial.
Msg from Haylee: So I’d like to hang out again…maybe later this weekend if ure free. Maybe go check out that sushi bar on Carrollton?? Lemme know
Msg from Pete: BTW…now Craig needs a ride home if you come over. He’s pretty drunk. He was off work today.
Msg from Bob: John is getting drunk and obnoxious about Guttenberg. Pretty funny…he just fell backwards into a giant flower planter at the bar…LMAO!!!
Msg from Bob: Hey did I ever tell you that I was an extra in Cocoon 2?
Msg from Lisa: Well…ure obviously ignoring my txts. Just 4get about it. I’ll find another car. I don’t know why u cant just 4get about the past. I wont txt again. Have a nice day
Msg from Pete: I'm gonna kill Craig! He just fell into the pool and took the grill with him. Guess we're ordering pizza now. What a douche!
Msg from Bob: Which reminds me…did u ever see that creepy kid in the background of 3 Men and a Baby??? They say it was a ghost of some kid that died on the set. U can Google it. Really eerie!!!
Msg from John B: Bob’s a dick. I think I broke my ass bone!!
Msg from Haylee: Not sure if my txts are going thru. Anyway, I just got back from the gym. Hey...
I didn’t do anything stupid the other nite did I??? LOL!! Anyway, I really enjoyed being out w/ you
Msg from Lisa: So Bob is txtng me with some stupid question about Steve Guttenberg. Very funny! Are u with him?? You two need to grow up. If you don’t want me to be in your life, much less borrow the car, or even answer a txt, just say so rather than play stupid jokes
Msg from Pete: Never mind about picking up Craig…We dumped his drunk ass back at home. You comin’ over or what??
Msg from Pete: BTW, your ex GF, Lisa, just texted me and asked to borrow my car. WTF??
Msg from Bob: Damn! I think John may need to go to the ER. We’re gonna do a shot of Tequila first and see if his ass feels better. BTW, why is your ex sending me nasty text msgs???
Msg from Haylee: That thing I told you about with my ex BF got settled out of court...he was a nut job. Just wanna make sure it didn’t make you nervous about me. LOL Hope to hear from ya soon
Msg from Craig: Hey buddy…I lockecked myse outttaa the houise..do u stil have an xtra keys%?
Msg from Pete: LOL! Dude, Craig is waaaasted. I think he locked himself out. I don’t have a spare key to his house. U might wanna swing by there first
Msg from Craig: Hlep! I’m sitingg on the sidewalkk in fron of my house. Nxt 2yur car. Im only in my underwear….call mee!!!$“” Ur mean ass ex girl FRiend just walked by an yelled d at me. HeY…….and some other chik is hangng out on youur porch??>
Msg from Lisa: Well, ur drunk ass loser friend Craig is locked out and ur car is at ur house along with some girl knocking on ur front door. Oh, and I want my blender back!! I don’t know WTF I did that u cant just let me borrow the car??!! Plz call me back!
Msg from Haylee: Got kinda worried about you so I hope u don’t take it the wrong way since we only had dinner once but I stopped by to see if u were okay and make sure u didn’t get food poisoning…LOL. I looked up ur adress on Google Earth...BTW, there’s a weird guy on the street in his boxer shorts throwing up. Yuk!!
Msg from Pete: Why is John texting me about some stupid movie question?? You thinking about coming over tonight???
Msg from Bob: Now John is saying that Leonard Nimoy directed 3 Men and a Baby. WHAT???
Msg from Lisa: You know what? I don’t need your f-ing car after all. I didn’t want it to be this way…but I met a reeeeally nice guy recently on e-Harmony. Unlike you, spending your time writing stupid books instead of a REAL job, he likes to go to the theatre all the time and he brings me flowers almost every DAY!!! I’m not txtng u again. Goodbye. BTW, good luck driving ur car NOW dick.
Msg from John B: Not only did Nimoy direct 3 Men and a Baby, Guttenberg starred alongside Ted Danson…who later invited Nimoy to be in an episode of Becker! Hah!! Bob is gonna owe me a bunch of money on this one!!
Msg from Haylee: I hope I didn’t come across TOO forward the other night…I really don’t want u to think I’m easy or anything, I‘m actually VERY shy…LOL. I KNEW those guys that asked me 2 dance…they’re just friends from work. Hope u r okay...I'm worried now : {
Msg from Pete: Hey…Craig got into his house BTW. Someone helped him climb up the back porch overhang and he went thru a window. I wish I could have seen THAT!!!! Call me…we’re gonna go ahead and order pizza soon dude.
Msg from Bob: We’re home now…John got us thrown out of the sports bar running around the room doing the Vulcan mind meld on the other customers. He’s such a dumb ass when he gets drunk. Guttenberg WAS in an infomercial for the Total Fitness Gym! With Chuck Norris AND Christie Brinkley…Hah!
Msg from Craig: Holyy shit!!! Somee HOT chik named Hailey just helped me break in my hoouse. Shes an ex stripper. Scoooore! Haheaha!!*# She's stayin 4 a feww drinkss. U still got thhat blender?? i may need 2 borrw it
Msg from Todd: Whassup? I’m gonna stay at home for the game…u wanna come over? Me and Melissa ordered pizza...just gonna keep it low key chillll 2nite
Msg from Craig: BTW...looks like someboDy sliced yoour back tire 2dayy?%
Msg from Haylee: Maybe will talk tomorrow. Gonna stay with a friend 2nite.
Outgoing msg to Todd
From Jim: Just found my cell phone and got your txt. YES…I’d love to come over…more than you can possibly imagine. See ya’ soon! Thx.
Msg from Lisa: I'm sorry...and I miss you : (
Outgoing msg to Todd
From Jim: BTW, can you come get me? I have a flat tire.
copyright Pontchartrain Press 2010
TTYL...LOL!
Unfortunately, text messages continue to pile up…whether you hold possession of your phone or not.
Msg from Lisa: Hey…sorry I haven’t called in a while…hope ure doin well. Hey, can I borrow your car this afternoon??
Msg from Pete: We’re grilling tonight and watchin the game if u wanna come by dude
Msg from Haylee: Hey there. I had fun hangin out last nite : )
Msg from Pete: Oh, if u do come by, can you swing by and pick up some extra beer and a couple bags of ice? Thx!!
Msg from Bob: Hey I don‘t have my laptop. Can you check to see if Steve Guttenberg is on an infomercial with Chuck Norris about the Total Gym Fitness Center? Me and John are at the bar and I have a bet with him! He says I’m wrong
Msg from Lisa: Not sure if u got my last txt…can I borrow your car this afternoon?? My boyfriend Jonathan only has a seg-way. Plus, he’s working late at the beauty salon today. Hope ure doin okay. Ure not mad that I’m dating someone Ru???
Msg from John B: Bob is full of shit. I know everything there is to know about Steve Guttenberg. Cocoon is one of my favorite movies of all time. The only commercial he’s been in was a cola commercial. He was NEVER in an infomercial.
Msg from Haylee: So I’d like to hang out again…maybe later this weekend if ure free. Maybe go check out that sushi bar on Carrollton?? Lemme know
Msg from Pete: BTW…now Craig needs a ride home if you come over. He’s pretty drunk. He was off work today.
Msg from Bob: John is getting drunk and obnoxious about Guttenberg. Pretty funny…he just fell backwards into a giant flower planter at the bar…LMAO!!!
Msg from Bob: Hey did I ever tell you that I was an extra in Cocoon 2?
Msg from Lisa: Well…ure obviously ignoring my txts. Just 4get about it. I’ll find another car. I don’t know why u cant just 4get about the past. I wont txt again. Have a nice day
Msg from Pete: I'm gonna kill Craig! He just fell into the pool and took the grill with him. Guess we're ordering pizza now. What a douche!
Msg from Bob: Which reminds me…did u ever see that creepy kid in the background of 3 Men and a Baby??? They say it was a ghost of some kid that died on the set. U can Google it. Really eerie!!!
Msg from John B: Bob’s a dick. I think I broke my ass bone!!
Msg from Haylee: Not sure if my txts are going thru. Anyway, I just got back from the gym. Hey...
I didn’t do anything stupid the other nite did I??? LOL!! Anyway, I really enjoyed being out w/ you
Msg from Lisa: So Bob is txtng me with some stupid question about Steve Guttenberg. Very funny! Are u with him?? You two need to grow up. If you don’t want me to be in your life, much less borrow the car, or even answer a txt, just say so rather than play stupid jokes
Msg from Pete: Never mind about picking up Craig…We dumped his drunk ass back at home. You comin’ over or what??
Msg from Pete: BTW, your ex GF, Lisa, just texted me and asked to borrow my car. WTF??
Msg from Bob: Damn! I think John may need to go to the ER. We’re gonna do a shot of Tequila first and see if his ass feels better. BTW, why is your ex sending me nasty text msgs???
Msg from Haylee: That thing I told you about with my ex BF got settled out of court...he was a nut job. Just wanna make sure it didn’t make you nervous about me. LOL Hope to hear from ya soon
Msg from Craig: Hey buddy…I lockecked myse outttaa the houise..do u stil have an xtra keys%?
Msg from Pete: LOL! Dude, Craig is waaaasted. I think he locked himself out. I don’t have a spare key to his house. U might wanna swing by there first
Msg from Craig: Hlep! I’m sitingg on the sidewalkk in fron of my house. Nxt 2yur car. Im only in my underwear….call mee!!!$“” Ur mean ass ex girl FRiend just walked by an yelled d at me. HeY…….and some other chik is hangng out on youur porch??>
Msg from Lisa: Well, ur drunk ass loser friend Craig is locked out and ur car is at ur house along with some girl knocking on ur front door. Oh, and I want my blender back!! I don’t know WTF I did that u cant just let me borrow the car??!! Plz call me back!
Msg from Haylee: Got kinda worried about you so I hope u don’t take it the wrong way since we only had dinner once but I stopped by to see if u were okay and make sure u didn’t get food poisoning…LOL. I looked up ur adress on Google Earth...BTW, there’s a weird guy on the street in his boxer shorts throwing up. Yuk!!
Msg from Pete: Why is John texting me about some stupid movie question?? You thinking about coming over tonight???
Msg from Bob: Now John is saying that Leonard Nimoy directed 3 Men and a Baby. WHAT???
Msg from Lisa: You know what? I don’t need your f-ing car after all. I didn’t want it to be this way…but I met a reeeeally nice guy recently on e-Harmony. Unlike you, spending your time writing stupid books instead of a REAL job, he likes to go to the theatre all the time and he brings me flowers almost every DAY!!! I’m not txtng u again. Goodbye. BTW, good luck driving ur car NOW dick.
Msg from John B: Not only did Nimoy direct 3 Men and a Baby, Guttenberg starred alongside Ted Danson…who later invited Nimoy to be in an episode of Becker! Hah!! Bob is gonna owe me a bunch of money on this one!!
Msg from Haylee: I hope I didn’t come across TOO forward the other night…I really don’t want u to think I’m easy or anything, I‘m actually VERY shy…LOL. I KNEW those guys that asked me 2 dance…they’re just friends from work. Hope u r okay...I'm worried now : {
Msg from Pete: Hey…Craig got into his house BTW. Someone helped him climb up the back porch overhang and he went thru a window. I wish I could have seen THAT!!!! Call me…we’re gonna go ahead and order pizza soon dude.
Msg from Bob: We’re home now…John got us thrown out of the sports bar running around the room doing the Vulcan mind meld on the other customers. He’s such a dumb ass when he gets drunk. Guttenberg WAS in an infomercial for the Total Fitness Gym! With Chuck Norris AND Christie Brinkley…Hah!
Msg from Craig: Holyy shit!!! Somee HOT chik named Hailey just helped me break in my hoouse. Shes an ex stripper. Scoooore! Haheaha!!*# She's stayin 4 a feww drinkss. U still got thhat blender?? i may need 2 borrw it
Msg from Todd: Whassup? I’m gonna stay at home for the game…u wanna come over? Me and Melissa ordered pizza...just gonna keep it low key chillll 2nite
Msg from Craig: BTW...looks like someboDy sliced yoour back tire 2dayy?%
Msg from Haylee: Maybe will talk tomorrow. Gonna stay with a friend 2nite.
Outgoing msg to Todd
From Jim: Just found my cell phone and got your txt. YES…I’d love to come over…more than you can possibly imagine. See ya’ soon! Thx.
Msg from Lisa: I'm sorry...and I miss you : (
Outgoing msg to Todd
From Jim: BTW, can you come get me? I have a flat tire.
copyright Pontchartrain Press 2010
TTYL...LOL!
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Details Coming Up Tonight At 10:00pm
I’ve been watching far too much news lately. There’s no particular reason-- I usually tune it out as background noise while I’m doing more important things such as holding a strong and hopeful vigil that Miley Cyrus and her dad, Billy Ray, will mend their differences.
Such a tragedy.
We live in an era like no other-- where amazing technological advances provide instant information about important stories and events which affect our daily lives and our personal well being…such as this earth shattering news scad:
“Where’s Obama’s Wedding Ring???”
(Insert gasp and ominous music here)
From Sunlen Miller of ABC News: For at least two days President Obama’s left hand has been unadorned by his wedding band. The White House said that beyond the typical cleaning that most rings get, Mr. Obama’s intricate gold ring needed a little repairing. White House aides declined to elaborate on what specifically was wrong with the ring.
My point being, these people don’t even look real!! I’m convinced that they unplug the anchors after the cameras stop rolling.
As a matter of fact, I feel sorry for the poor set maintenance guy who’s in charge of unplugging the news anchors at the end of the day.
News Director: Dammit Frank…you left Allison plugged in again all night!
Frank: Sorry sir, I got distracted when Jon, the mid-day anchor, began to loosen up and his posture became somewhat slumped. He was able to actually move his head like a normal human so we used the Peaucellier linkage rhombus method and fixed him…now he’s as straight as Anderson Cooper.
Anchor: We go now to Susan Wolffe for a breaking story…Susan, we’ve noticed that President Obama has been without his wedding band for a couple of days.
Susan: That’s right Bill. The White House is saying that the president is simply having his ring cleaned and repaired.
Anchor: Hmmm. Susan, did you get the feeling that the White House’s response indicates that the president is, in fact, hosting gay orgies in a secret subterranean room within the White House, because, I must say, their statement to the media sounds rather fishy to me.
Susan: Absolutely Bill and that’s very observant of you. We tracked down the press secretary and asked him why the president is wearing more pastel ties and using the word “fabulous” a lot lately.
Anchor: I see…and did they give you any indication that the president is indeed sleeping with British Prime Minister David Cameron??
Susan: We showed him a tape of the recent meeting between the President and Prime Minister Cameron and pointed out that they shared an uncomfortably lengthy hug in the East Room at their press conference.
Anchor: I saw that video too! Coupled with the OBVIOUS signal that the president is sending out to the gay community by not wearing his ring, I'd say the White House is CLEARLY hiding something. What was his response?
Susan: He asked us to leave. And then he skipped away.
Anchor: Great reporting on our top story and an obviously developing sex scandal; thanks Susan. In other news, three soldiers were injured today in Iraq…
Election coverage is always entertaining…the Olympics of absurdity and over-analyzed information if you will.
Speaking of politics, did you know that Speaker of The House, John Boehner (somehow pronounced Bainer) has become a topic of conversation amongst politicos due to his unnatural tan? WHO CARES?
If someone prefers to glow with a rich and deep hue of Kool-Aid orange-flavored juice who am I to stop him or her?
They actually send out a public policy poll which asks important questions such as:
“Do you believe that the growing nuclear weapon threat and escalating social and political unrest in Iran is directly related to gay sex orgies being conducted in the White House basement? And is John Boehner's tan hindering border control efforts in the U.S.???"
Election Central: Results are pouring in as the polls close and we're keeping a particularly close eye on a heated battle going on in the Wyoming Senate race. We’re also watching my co-host, Consuela Saalevraduena-Smith's, face melt under the hot stage lights here on the set.
For more insight we’re happy to be joined by political genius and space alien, James Carville. James, what are your thoughts about tonight’s key races?
Carville: Well, first of all, let me say that Consuela’s low cut top is nothing short of sensational.
Look, the voter is basically dumb and lazy. The reason I became a Democratic operative instead of a Republican was because there were more Democrats that didn't have a clue that there were Republicans.
For the longest time I didn't even know that my wife was a Republican...until I came home early one afternoon and caught her misting Congressman Bohner's back with spray-on tan.
Most voters don't know the difference between good (Democrats) and evil (Republicans.) It's my job to educate them...sort of like Yoda in Star Wars.
Election Central: Can you give us an example?
Carville: We did a mass mailer last week with a picture of Sarah Palin and assured voters that if she is elected she WILL eat their children.
Election Central: I see…and you have proof of this?
Carville: Of course I do but it’s none of your business. Sharing too much information is what loses elections.
Election Central: How’s that?
Carville: Because I said so. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to the space ship.
Election Central: For more insight, we’re now joined by former New Orleans Mayor, C. Ray Nagin. Mr. Mayor, what are your thoughts about the heated senate battle going on in Louisiana?
Nagin: Because I’m drunk right now but Crown Royal gives me unusually powerful analytical acumen. Look, we need to take back the Chocolate City.
Election Central: Are you feeling okay Mayor Nagin?
Nagin: Exactly WHAT are you accusing me of??? I’m fine but I’m very concerned about this tropical breeze. This is not a normal storm…it’s a special storm with voodoo powers.
I’ve also heard that it’s an extremely racist storm and is only targeting African American neighborhoods. I recommend that everyone evacuate immediately or the National Guard will be ordered to shoot everyone in the Gulf Coast states and then they will be ordered to burn their houses down.
Election Central: Mr. Mayor, thank you for, uh, your perspective. Joining us now for insight on the New York mayoral race is Reverend Jesse Jackson…Reverend Jackson what’s the impact of a republican win tonight?
Rev. Jackson: Burger King is a racist organization. Why can't we just stick to the issues here and talk about what's important tonight??
Election Central: What does any of that have to do with the New York mayoral race?
Rev. Jackson: I noticed that you put me on last for an interview...Hmmm…I wonder why that is??
Election Central: Uh, this is the only time that your aide indicated that you were available reverend.
Rev. Jackson: I also noticed that you just tried to change the subject by talking about my schedule.
Look, it’s clear that you’re a member of the KKK…I plan to speak about this to my congregation this Sunday and I'll urge them to boycott your network…as soon as I start a congregation.
I've become particularly amused by the vagueness in news reporting; all for the sake of being FIRST to “break” a story.
Anchor: We go now LIVE to Chip Woodsworth to the site of a major disaster unfolding right now! Chip, where are you and what can you tell us?
Chip: Well, Dick, we're broadcasting right now on a grainy, shaky satellite camera phone for dramatic effect. We're located near the disaster site somewhere between the 30th and 40th parallel where this terrible disaster is unfolding.
Anchor: Is that north or south latitude?
Chip: Sorry Dick, I should have clarified...it's SOUTH latitude. Had it been north latitude this terrible disaster would have been a MAJOR catastrophe!
Breaking news graphic and dramatic music sound effect
Anchor: This just in...Reporter Chip Woodsworth has just informed us that a MAJOR catastrophe has been averted at an undisclosed location somewhere on the planet. Chip, Have you spoken with any of the victims?
Chip: Yes, Dick, I have. They are obviously grief-stricken and in shock. This is one of the hardest assignments that I've ever had to do but, as you know, we sometimes have to get deep into the trenches amongst the people and get our hands dirty...which is why I'm standing above the disaster site on an elevated 8-million dollar platform which our engineers constructed this afternoon.
Anchor: I can see that you're wearing your Jones of New York brown sport coat with your shirt collar unbuttoned!
Chip: Yes...conditions here are deplorable!!! We don't even have a stylist on site!!!
We simply felt that it would be gaudy to roam around this disaster in suits. That's why I'm wearing Hilfiger jeans so I can blend in. You can rest assured that I will NOT leave the scene until we find out exactly what happened or why all of these people are dead.
I, personally, have not eaten for 3 hours and it was simply a warm brie with pear preserves on a tomato basil melba square!!
Anchor: Horrible!!!
Chip: This job is not always glamorous Dick.
Anchor: Stay safe Chip...we're all praying for you and the victims' families.
While there are many things which amuse me about soaking up today’s slick, high-tech news reporting, there’s nothing funnier than when a news anchor’s teleprompter dies:
Anchor: With the unemployment rate at 9.6 percent, lawmakers are looking for ways to create jobs. Republicans say tax cuts should be…um…well they, uh….er…the people on the side of the one aisle in Congress feel that….(nervous laugh) Well, darn it all, we’re having a bit of a technical glitch…and I’m not wearing pants under this news desk…We go now to political strategist James Carville for perspective.
Carville: George W. Bush is responsible for this teleprompter glitch, and the impending meteor which is barreling toward earth at 97-million miles per second.
By the way, is Consuela off tonight??
Informative, entertaining, damn good looking and, sometimes, downright absurd.
Anchor: Our top story tonight…network daredevil reporter, Chip Wordsworth...Uh, I'm sorry, they're telling me in my earpiece...WOODSWORTH. Chip has died.
Witnesses tell us that he apparently choked on a piece of melba & brie, causing him to lose his balance. Chip fell from an elevated news platform covering a major disaster in an undisclosed location.
Our judgmental, confrontational, accusatory secret investigation team of reporters, lead by Glenn Beck, are trying to confirm any connection to gay orgies at the White House and how this might have led to Miley Cyrus’ estrangement with her father.
Editor's Note: The slave laborers at Pontchartrain Press, along with a handful of people who work diligently to inspire Jim (hold him while he cries uncontrollably every night), are quite happy to take a shot of whiskey in your honour and bid you a very pleasant day...Unless you already have other plans.
Such a tragedy.
We live in an era like no other-- where amazing technological advances provide instant information about important stories and events which affect our daily lives and our personal well being…such as this earth shattering news scad:
“Where’s Obama’s Wedding Ring???”
(Insert gasp and ominous music here)
From Sunlen Miller of ABC News: For at least two days President Obama’s left hand has been unadorned by his wedding band. The White House said that beyond the typical cleaning that most rings get, Mr. Obama’s intricate gold ring needed a little repairing. White House aides declined to elaborate on what specifically was wrong with the ring.
I watched two talking heads speculate for about 4-minutes as to the whereabouts and significance of the missing ring; which I think provides a fairly clear perspective as to my having nothing particularly important to do with my time.
The news is delivered by people who appear as though they just stepped off the cover of a fashion magazine. Proof positive...have you watched Fox News lately?
I’ve never seen so much leg since I went to a strip club for my friend Troy‘s bachelor party.
Don’t get me wrong, I wish the Fox News ladies would deliver the news topless, but that's because I'm not a chauvinist and I'm politically correct. News babes are fantastic!
The news is delivered by people who appear as though they just stepped off the cover of a fashion magazine. Proof positive...have you watched Fox News lately?
I’ve never seen so much leg since I went to a strip club for my friend Troy‘s bachelor party.
Don’t get me wrong, I wish the Fox News ladies would deliver the news topless, but that's because I'm not a chauvinist and I'm politically correct. News babes are fantastic!
My point being, these people don’t even look real!! I’m convinced that they unplug the anchors after the cameras stop rolling.
As a matter of fact, I feel sorry for the poor set maintenance guy who’s in charge of unplugging the news anchors at the end of the day.
News Director: Dammit Frank…you left Allison plugged in again all night!
Frank: Sorry sir, I got distracted when Jon, the mid-day anchor, began to loosen up and his posture became somewhat slumped. He was able to actually move his head like a normal human so we used the Peaucellier linkage rhombus method and fixed him…now he’s as straight as Anderson Cooper.
News Director: Anderson Cooper is straight???
Everything revolves around sensationalism in today’s electronic media:
Anchor: We go now to Susan Wolffe for a breaking story…Susan, we’ve noticed that President Obama has been without his wedding band for a couple of days.
Susan: That’s right Bill. The White House is saying that the president is simply having his ring cleaned and repaired.
Anchor: Hmmm. Susan, did you get the feeling that the White House’s response indicates that the president is, in fact, hosting gay orgies in a secret subterranean room within the White House, because, I must say, their statement to the media sounds rather fishy to me.
Susan: Absolutely Bill and that’s very observant of you. We tracked down the press secretary and asked him why the president is wearing more pastel ties and using the word “fabulous” a lot lately.
Anchor: I see…and did they give you any indication that the president is indeed sleeping with British Prime Minister David Cameron??
Susan: We showed him a tape of the recent meeting between the President and Prime Minister Cameron and pointed out that they shared an uncomfortably lengthy hug in the East Room at their press conference.
Anchor: I saw that video too! Coupled with the OBVIOUS signal that the president is sending out to the gay community by not wearing his ring, I'd say the White House is CLEARLY hiding something. What was his response?
Susan: He asked us to leave. And then he skipped away.
Anchor: Great reporting on our top story and an obviously developing sex scandal; thanks Susan. In other news, three soldiers were injured today in Iraq…
Election coverage is always entertaining…the Olympics of absurdity and over-analyzed information if you will.
Speaking of politics, did you know that Speaker of The House, John Boehner (somehow pronounced Bainer) has become a topic of conversation amongst politicos due to his unnatural tan? WHO CARES?
If someone prefers to glow with a rich and deep hue of Kool-Aid orange-flavored juice who am I to stop him or her?
They actually send out a public policy poll which asks important questions such as:
“Do you believe that the growing nuclear weapon threat and escalating social and political unrest in Iran is directly related to gay sex orgies being conducted in the White House basement? And is John Boehner's tan hindering border control efforts in the U.S.???"
Election Central: Results are pouring in as the polls close and we're keeping a particularly close eye on a heated battle going on in the Wyoming Senate race. We’re also watching my co-host, Consuela Saalevraduena-Smith's, face melt under the hot stage lights here on the set.
For more insight we’re happy to be joined by political genius and space alien, James Carville. James, what are your thoughts about tonight’s key races?
Carville: Well, first of all, let me say that Consuela’s low cut top is nothing short of sensational.
Look, the voter is basically dumb and lazy. The reason I became a Democratic operative instead of a Republican was because there were more Democrats that didn't have a clue that there were Republicans.
For the longest time I didn't even know that my wife was a Republican...until I came home early one afternoon and caught her misting Congressman Bohner's back with spray-on tan.
Most voters don't know the difference between good (Democrats) and evil (Republicans.) It's my job to educate them...sort of like Yoda in Star Wars.
Election Central: Can you give us an example?
Carville: We did a mass mailer last week with a picture of Sarah Palin and assured voters that if she is elected she WILL eat their children.
Election Central: I see…and you have proof of this?
Carville: Of course I do but it’s none of your business. Sharing too much information is what loses elections.
Election Central: How’s that?
Carville: Because I said so. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to the space ship.
 |
| James Carville |
Nagin: The tropical breeze brewing in the South Pacific will most likely KILL everyone on the Gulf Coast…TOMORROW!
Election Central: The South Pacific is nowhere near the Gulf Coast-- what’s the basis of your assertion??
Nagin: Because I’m drunk right now but Crown Royal gives me unusually powerful analytical acumen. Look, we need to take back the Chocolate City.
Election Central: Are you feeling okay Mayor Nagin?
Nagin: Exactly WHAT are you accusing me of??? I’m fine but I’m very concerned about this tropical breeze. This is not a normal storm…it’s a special storm with voodoo powers.
I’ve also heard that it’s an extremely racist storm and is only targeting African American neighborhoods. I recommend that everyone evacuate immediately or the National Guard will be ordered to shoot everyone in the Gulf Coast states and then they will be ordered to burn their houses down.
Election Central: Mr. Mayor, thank you for, uh, your perspective. Joining us now for insight on the New York mayoral race is Reverend Jesse Jackson…Reverend Jackson what’s the impact of a republican win tonight?
Rev. Jackson: Burger King is a racist organization. Why can't we just stick to the issues here and talk about what's important tonight??
Election Central: What does any of that have to do with the New York mayoral race?
Rev. Jackson: I noticed that you put me on last for an interview...Hmmm…I wonder why that is??
Election Central: Uh, this is the only time that your aide indicated that you were available reverend.
Rev. Jackson: I also noticed that you just tried to change the subject by talking about my schedule.
Look, it’s clear that you’re a member of the KKK…I plan to speak about this to my congregation this Sunday and I'll urge them to boycott your network…as soon as I start a congregation.
I've become particularly amused by the vagueness in news reporting; all for the sake of being FIRST to “break” a story.
Anchor: We go now LIVE to Chip Woodsworth to the site of a major disaster unfolding right now! Chip, where are you and what can you tell us?
Chip: Well, Dick, we're broadcasting right now on a grainy, shaky satellite camera phone for dramatic effect. We're located near the disaster site somewhere between the 30th and 40th parallel where this terrible disaster is unfolding.
Anchor: Is that north or south latitude?
Chip: Sorry Dick, I should have clarified...it's SOUTH latitude. Had it been north latitude this terrible disaster would have been a MAJOR catastrophe!
Breaking news graphic and dramatic music sound effect
Anchor: This just in...Reporter Chip Woodsworth has just informed us that a MAJOR catastrophe has been averted at an undisclosed location somewhere on the planet. Chip, Have you spoken with any of the victims?
Chip: Yes, Dick, I have. They are obviously grief-stricken and in shock. This is one of the hardest assignments that I've ever had to do but, as you know, we sometimes have to get deep into the trenches amongst the people and get our hands dirty...which is why I'm standing above the disaster site on an elevated 8-million dollar platform which our engineers constructed this afternoon.
Anchor: I can see that you're wearing your Jones of New York brown sport coat with your shirt collar unbuttoned!
Chip: Yes...conditions here are deplorable!!! We don't even have a stylist on site!!!
We simply felt that it would be gaudy to roam around this disaster in suits. That's why I'm wearing Hilfiger jeans so I can blend in. You can rest assured that I will NOT leave the scene until we find out exactly what happened or why all of these people are dead.
I, personally, have not eaten for 3 hours and it was simply a warm brie with pear preserves on a tomato basil melba square!!
Anchor: Horrible!!!
Chip: This job is not always glamorous Dick.
Anchor: Stay safe Chip...we're all praying for you and the victims' families.
While there are many things which amuse me about soaking up today’s slick, high-tech news reporting, there’s nothing funnier than when a news anchor’s teleprompter dies:
Anchor: With the unemployment rate at 9.6 percent, lawmakers are looking for ways to create jobs. Republicans say tax cuts should be…um…well they, uh….er…the people on the side of the one aisle in Congress feel that….(nervous laugh) Well, darn it all, we’re having a bit of a technical glitch…and I’m not wearing pants under this news desk…We go now to political strategist James Carville for perspective.
Carville: George W. Bush is responsible for this teleprompter glitch, and the impending meteor which is barreling toward earth at 97-million miles per second.
By the way, is Consuela off tonight??
Informative, entertaining, damn good looking and, sometimes, downright absurd.
Anchor: Our top story tonight…network daredevil reporter, Chip Wordsworth...Uh, I'm sorry, they're telling me in my earpiece...WOODSWORTH. Chip has died.
Witnesses tell us that he apparently choked on a piece of melba & brie, causing him to lose his balance. Chip fell from an elevated news platform covering a major disaster in an undisclosed location.
Our judgmental, confrontational, accusatory secret investigation team of reporters, lead by Glenn Beck, are trying to confirm any connection to gay orgies at the White House and how this might have led to Miley Cyrus’ estrangement with her father.
copyright Pontchartrain Press 2010
Editor's Note: The slave laborers at Pontchartrain Press, along with a handful of people who work diligently to inspire Jim (hold him while he cries uncontrollably every night), are quite happy to take a shot of whiskey in your honour and bid you a very pleasant day...Unless you already have other plans.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
DON'T Read This!!
It seems that people become unusually melancholy between Summer and Fall. Some believe that it has something to do with lunar activity or earth’s changing axis, thus shorter daylight hours. I blame global warming® because it makes me sound fashionable.
I’ve been chatting recently with some friends who seem especially down these days and it prompted me to solicit their assistance for a personal view of what they believe happiness really is. For some, it’s passing an exam, for others it might be taking a walk with their child on a lazy afternoon in the park.
Here’s a few responses that I received from friends as a contribution to this piece: (I've also included a few of my own)
Happiness Is…
Sean: Seeing a child’s face light up when you hand him/her a strawberry ice cream cone and then snatch it away, eating it instantly while they cry uncontrollably. (I’m kidding…I hate strawberry ice cream…and kids)
Lynn: Grocery shopping with a friend while dressed as Kenny Rogers & Dolly Parton while singing “Islands in the Stream” throughout the store for no apparent reason.
JIM: Stabbing people who actually utter the acronym “WTF!” in a face to face conversation. Then, while standing over their lifeless body in a filthy, desolate alleyway, I scream back to them OMG, LMFAO!! TTYL!
Mark: Petting a pretty kitten. And then shaking hands with your boss who has a severe, debilitating allergy to cat hair. And then kick him in the balls.
Steve: Witnessing public speaking faux pas’ (I’m looking in the direction of the Arizona Governor)
Heather: The closing credits of Glen Beck’s Fox News program.
Shannon: (My neighbor) Experiencing a passionate encounter of unadulterated sex.
JIM: Being able to slip away un-noticed from your neighbor’s closet after witnessing a passionate encounter of unadulterated sex.
Matt: The peace and tranquility when the construction crew jack-hammering, which awakens you each morning, is ordered to cease operations indefinitely because Immigration Agents have raided the worksite.
Todd: The way a new romantic interest gazes into your eyes lovingly as you breathe a sigh of relief, realizing that you seem to have been successful in making them believe that you’re not a sexual deviant, at least long enough to see her naked.
Jamie: Giving sage, comforting advice to a friend who is feeling down.
JIM: Realizing that it’s time to find a new circle of friends.
I have a friend, we’ll call her Lynn (primarily because her name is Lynn). She called me after suffering for an entire day from an inexplicable case of the blahs. I spent a few moments with her on the phone, mainly because I was waiting for the bartender to change the Guinness keg, and offered her an exercise in treating the blahs. Rearrange your house!
I advised her to take a label maker (post-it notes will also work) and label everything in the house, then rearrange it alphabetically. (clockwise, beginning at the front door) Afterwards, go out and pick up a one night stand to bring home for cheap, meaningless “love” on top of a pile of Brillo Pads.
*They will be closer to the front door
Afterwards, ask your random sexual conquest if they can help scrub the bathtub.
**Also near the door
Stress, stress, stress. My friend Tony is always uptight about something, which makes him an easy target for fun. One night me and the guys took Tony out on the town and got him drunk and then convinced him that someone had stolen his glove compartment. Talk about jumpy…and gullible.
I have some friends who seem impervious to the blahs. I don’t know how they do it, but I’m quite impressed. My friend Carrie noticed that I was in a funk this week when she proudly showed me a new fart “App” that she downloaded to her phone. I don’t know which was most disturbing- that she actually downloaded a fart “App” or that I listened to all 20 farts. It chased away the blues though…and a few people sitting nearby.
I suppose I’m most happiest while taking in a nice afternoon stroll, observing the world and its occupants around me. I also enjoy it when someone falls off a bicycle…there’s no graceful way to fall off a bicycle and it makes me laugh every time. I also enjoy interacting with many interesting people who not only take time to read my writing, but make time to send me an email.
Reader comment: "Your posts are too long for lazy people to read the whole thing in one sitting.Cheers"
Jim: You're correct...my writings are rather long, but it's all part of my master plan to weed out the lazy people.
Me and my team plan to round up all the lazy people (we'll identify them because they will be the ones who don't read an entire story in one sitting) and then we'll put them on a rocket ship and shoot them into space.
Only, we won't randomly shoot them into space, that would be lazy. We will shoot them into the trajectory of an errant meteor where the rocket ship and meteor will collide...killing all on board. (note: the meteor may sustain slight damage, but nothing major that will impede its progress of smashing into earth and triggering another ice age.)
No one will hear the incident because, as they say, in space no one can hear you scream.
I've been told that there are a lot of lazy people in space also...which explains why none of the other planets have been developed with viable infrastructures.
By the way, in case another ice age does, in fact, occur, I have purchased an underground bunker in Wyoming...you or any of your friends are welcome to stay there if you want.
Thanks for reading my stuff and remember, if you didn't read it in one sitting, we'll know… WE’LL KNOW.
Now that we’ve, hopefully, chased away some of the blahs, I bid you a happy day filled with… something deep and poetic which I should insert here.
For the lazy, soon to be rocket ship victims, this piece is only 1,040 words and unedited. Mike “The Editor” is off this week undergoing a personality transplant procedure.
Countdown: three, two, 1,040.
copyright Pontchartrain Press 2010
Author's Note: This note does NOT count toward the 1,040 words...so shut up! This little piece is dedicated to one of the best friends money can buy...wait, that's not what I meant. This is for Rikki. I hope it made you smile but, most importantly, I hope you know what a shining light you are to so many people. I thank you.
I’ve been chatting recently with some friends who seem especially down these days and it prompted me to solicit their assistance for a personal view of what they believe happiness really is. For some, it’s passing an exam, for others it might be taking a walk with their child on a lazy afternoon in the park.
Here’s a few responses that I received from friends as a contribution to this piece: (I've also included a few of my own)
Happiness Is…
Sean: Seeing a child’s face light up when you hand him/her a strawberry ice cream cone and then snatch it away, eating it instantly while they cry uncontrollably. (I’m kidding…I hate strawberry ice cream…and kids)
Lynn: Grocery shopping with a friend while dressed as Kenny Rogers & Dolly Parton while singing “Islands in the Stream” throughout the store for no apparent reason.
JIM: Stabbing people who actually utter the acronym “WTF!” in a face to face conversation. Then, while standing over their lifeless body in a filthy, desolate alleyway, I scream back to them OMG, LMFAO!! TTYL!
Mark: Petting a pretty kitten. And then shaking hands with your boss who has a severe, debilitating allergy to cat hair. And then kick him in the balls.
Steve: Witnessing public speaking faux pas’ (I’m looking in the direction of the Arizona Governor)
Heather: The closing credits of Glen Beck’s Fox News program.
Shannon: (My neighbor) Experiencing a passionate encounter of unadulterated sex.
JIM: Being able to slip away un-noticed from your neighbor’s closet after witnessing a passionate encounter of unadulterated sex.
Matt: The peace and tranquility when the construction crew jack-hammering, which awakens you each morning, is ordered to cease operations indefinitely because Immigration Agents have raided the worksite.
Todd: The way a new romantic interest gazes into your eyes lovingly as you breathe a sigh of relief, realizing that you seem to have been successful in making them believe that you’re not a sexual deviant, at least long enough to see her naked.
Jamie: Giving sage, comforting advice to a friend who is feeling down.
JIM: Realizing that it’s time to find a new circle of friends.
I have a friend, we’ll call her Lynn (primarily because her name is Lynn). She called me after suffering for an entire day from an inexplicable case of the blahs. I spent a few moments with her on the phone, mainly because I was waiting for the bartender to change the Guinness keg, and offered her an exercise in treating the blahs. Rearrange your house!
I advised her to take a label maker (post-it notes will also work) and label everything in the house, then rearrange it alphabetically. (clockwise, beginning at the front door) Afterwards, go out and pick up a one night stand to bring home for cheap, meaningless “love” on top of a pile of Brillo Pads.
*They will be closer to the front door
Afterwards, ask your random sexual conquest if they can help scrub the bathtub.
**Also near the door
Stress, stress, stress. My friend Tony is always uptight about something, which makes him an easy target for fun. One night me and the guys took Tony out on the town and got him drunk and then convinced him that someone had stolen his glove compartment. Talk about jumpy…and gullible.
I have some friends who seem impervious to the blahs. I don’t know how they do it, but I’m quite impressed. My friend Carrie noticed that I was in a funk this week when she proudly showed me a new fart “App” that she downloaded to her phone. I don’t know which was most disturbing- that she actually downloaded a fart “App” or that I listened to all 20 farts. It chased away the blues though…and a few people sitting nearby.
I suppose I’m most happiest while taking in a nice afternoon stroll, observing the world and its occupants around me. I also enjoy it when someone falls off a bicycle…there’s no graceful way to fall off a bicycle and it makes me laugh every time. I also enjoy interacting with many interesting people who not only take time to read my writing, but make time to send me an email.
Reader comment: "Your posts are too long for lazy people to read the whole thing in one sitting.Cheers"
Jim: You're correct...my writings are rather long, but it's all part of my master plan to weed out the lazy people.
Me and my team plan to round up all the lazy people (we'll identify them because they will be the ones who don't read an entire story in one sitting) and then we'll put them on a rocket ship and shoot them into space.
Only, we won't randomly shoot them into space, that would be lazy. We will shoot them into the trajectory of an errant meteor where the rocket ship and meteor will collide...killing all on board. (note: the meteor may sustain slight damage, but nothing major that will impede its progress of smashing into earth and triggering another ice age.)
No one will hear the incident because, as they say, in space no one can hear you scream.
I've been told that there are a lot of lazy people in space also...which explains why none of the other planets have been developed with viable infrastructures.
By the way, in case another ice age does, in fact, occur, I have purchased an underground bunker in Wyoming...you or any of your friends are welcome to stay there if you want.
Thanks for reading my stuff and remember, if you didn't read it in one sitting, we'll know… WE’LL KNOW.
Now that we’ve, hopefully, chased away some of the blahs, I bid you a happy day filled with… something deep and poetic which I should insert here.
For the lazy, soon to be rocket ship victims, this piece is only 1,040 words and unedited. Mike “The Editor” is off this week undergoing a personality transplant procedure.
Countdown: three, two, 1,040.
copyright Pontchartrain Press 2010
Author's Note: This note does NOT count toward the 1,040 words...so shut up! This little piece is dedicated to one of the best friends money can buy...wait, that's not what I meant. This is for Rikki. I hope it made you smile but, most importantly, I hope you know what a shining light you are to so many people. I thank you.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
I Like To Rite...uh, Wright, er, Write! RIGHT?
I get “de-friended” a lot on Facebook, which makes me sad. Mainly because de-friended and Facebook aren’t even REAL dictionary words.
It stirs memories of when the neighborhood association asked if I’d like to join their board. This pretty much speaks to their lenient member acceptance policy and it might explain why our neighborhood association didn‘t accomplish much.
Those meetings were incredibly boring. All they did was sit around griping about some guy who never mowed his yard or some redneck who erected a wagon wheel mailbox.
Honestly, I felt that Jameson on the rocks would make these meetings far more interesting. They held a different opinion which, I think, makes them fairly closed minded. So…I took my whiskey and went home.
I always seem to cause trouble via the written form of social communication, thus the primary reason why I dislike sending letters, responding to emails and generally responding to any message…people tend to misread them.
I’m especially bad at communicating via text messages.
It's virtually impossible to communicate nuances and inflection via text message since space is limited. C'mon, I need a canvas to effectively paint a picture…HOW can people expect me to work well under such a creativity stifling cloud??? OMG!!
My friend Amanda is a writer and a very effective and brilliant communicator. She also has gigantic breasts. I'm not sure how that last fact is relevant to this story...but it just came to mind
However, since I’ve known her, she tends to take things personally and then ends up thinking that people are always mad at her.
If you ask me, I think that she was probably beaten with sticks by the other children when she was younger.
Amanda: Hey…u watchin’ the game 2nite at the pub??
Me: Yep
Amanda: What’s wrong : ( Ru mad @me???
Me: uh…no.
Amanda: U seemed short w/ur txt
Me: Oh, sorry, was just answering your question but I foolishly overlooked the real question behind the question. I meant that I fully intend to watch the match between the Saints of New Orleans and the Patriots who hail from an area which can only be described as our great nation’s cradle of liberty…the majestic land of New England.
Of course, as history notes, some residents of early New England were sociopaths but they knew how to throw a party.
BTW, Today I found myself wishing that they‘d bring back burning people at the stake as a means of punishment.
Anyway, I very much look forward to the game; but not as much as I greatly anticipate seeing your radiant smile and crystal bright blue eyes. Even the most beautiful Shakespearean sonnet pales by comparison to the magnificence which lights up a room simply by your very presence.
I would text message my favorite sonnet but I don’t really want to send 14 txts since I’m almost over my limit and AT & T charges about $750.00 per txt after that.
I hope that we can hold each other tight throughout the entire game tonight, as though we’re exchanging body heat to survive sub-zero temperatures on an Andean mountainside after a terrible plane crash.
We’ll only release our embrace long enough to take a sip of beer here and there. By the way, if we WERE stranded on an Andean mountainside, I promise that I would NEVER entertain the thought of killing and eating your body in order to survive.
It was quite negligent of me to answer your previous question with such a flippant and angry txt such as “yep.” What time do you plan to arrive at the pub?? And, will you be topless? Xoxo
Amanda: 6pm...Smartass
Me: R U mad at me?
I finally checked my email this week. I usually check it every 5 or 6 months just to stay on top of things.
I made the mistake of signing up for CNN email alerts…I’m not quite sure why I thought that was a good idea since I have about a thousand emails promoting topics being covered on the Nancy Grace Show.
Nancy Grace reminds me of that crazy aunt that comes over for Christmas dinner…even if it’s not Christmas.
My friend Craig is cool and I like to hang out with him at the pub because it reminds me that I would make a far better liver donor than he.
I haven’t seen Craig in a while, which prompted him to send me an email.
From: Craig craig248@gmail.com
To: Jim pontchartrainpress@gmail.com
Date: 12 August 2010
Subj:: Whatup??
Havent seen u out in a while...gonna get out later or r u just gonna be lazy 2nite and sit around?
From: Jim pontchartrainpress@gmail.com
To: Craig craig248@gmail.com
Date: 26 August 2010
Re: re: Whatup??
Whew!! Sorry for the delay in getting back with you Craig.
Actually I did not, in fact, get out on 12 August nor was I being lazy.
Me and Pete, the guy who got drunk and went to the bathroom on your couch last year, have been constructing a hot air balloon made from Hefty® 4-ply trash bags.
The neighbor’s kid on South Cortez Street is having a birthday party and we’re gonna surprise the kids by flying overhead and drop Mike & Ike® candies from above. I stole them from the radio station.
I didn’t feel bad about taking them since my boss was a ginormous tool-box…plus they’ve been giving them out to children since that Halloween promotion from 4-years ago.
I don’t think Mike & Ike’s® go bad though since no one is really sure what they’re made of. Kind of like Cher©
Pete thinks we should go to Rouse’s and buy a bunch of Sushi instead since it would be healthier for the kids.
He always gets the California Rolls and we argue all the time about it because everyone knows that a California Roll is not really sushi as much as a ”prop” to make people who are scared of sushi to look “hip“…even though they look like an alcoholic suffering from DT‘s trying to use chopsticks.
By the way that reminds me, Pete is drinking heavily again.
To make a long story short...I’ve never understood the concept of imitation crab in the California Roll. I once asked an imitation crab fisherman and he explained that it’s cheaper and safer to consume for those with shellfish allergies.
I thanked him for the explanation and then I poked him with a stick-pin and he deflated and I folded him up and handed him over to his imitation crab fisherman first mate.
Most people are scared of eating raw fish…not me. Unless it’s a Stonefish.
Pete suggested that we should check prices on Stonefish because it has a cool name and might better impress the kids, until I explained to him that they have potent neurotoxins secreted from glands at the base of their needle-like dorsal fin spines which stick up when disturbed or threatened and that they are the world’s deadliest species of fish.
Pete just stared at me for a moment and agreed that Mike & Ike’s® would be a safer bet.
Soooo…to make a longer story shorter, what are you doing Friday? Wanna get out and kick-it??
Craig usually nervously laughs at my silliness and pretends that I'm normal, which is good, because he's about 4-times my size and looks like a WWE wrestler and could kill me with his thumbnail.
Earlier this year I found an email from my buddy Jeff, who also happens to be fortunate enough to be my landlord. I say fortunate because, as opposed to his other tenants, he only has to remind me 7 or 8 times that my rent is due.
From: Jeff Jeffery69@yahoo.com
To: Jim Pontchartrainpress@gmail.com
Date: 12 April 2010
Subj: WTF???
VERY FUNNY putting my name on the Justin Bieber email fan list!! Hahahaha.
Hey, I’m gonna be over from the Northshore 2mrrw…you think you can meet me so I can get the rent? Or just leave it in the top cabinet outside the laundry room?? It’s only 12 days late dude. Lemme know ASAP.
From: Jim Pontchartrainpress@gmail.com
To: Jeff Jeffery69@yahoo.com
Date: 12 April 2010
Subj: re:WTF???
Sorry I’m late…I completely forgot the date for rent.
I tend to block things out of my mind on or about the 1st of each month because, as you know, I was married in 1999.
On the surface that doesn’t appear to have anything to do with the 1st of the month, so I'll quickly explain.
One of my ex-wife’s favorite songs was from Bones Thugs -n- Harmony, which should have been my first warning sign.
At any rate, the song “First of tha Month” was widely popular about the time we got married.
We had a very nice marriage but, as these things sometimes go, we grew apart. I suppose I feel a certain sense of failure for not being able to save the marriage so the Bones/Thugs song reminds me of a period that I‘m trying to block from my mind..which, unfortunately, coincides with rent due date.
I also try to block the period around each Flag Day from my mind, which centers around a story about my friend Kenny (he's no longer with us) but that's a reeeal long story.
BTW, did you know that the title of the Bones/Thugs song specifically references waiting on line at the welfare office? I always enjoyed watching VH1’s “Pop Up Video” didn’t you?
I’ll leave the rent check in the box outside the laundry room. Heads-up…The next door neighbor is probably going to want to talk with you.
My buddies Todd and Ed came over yesterday afternoon to watch a baseball game. Everyone always brings something to eat and Ed brought Mulligatawny soup.
Ed is a chef at a snobby restaurant that none of us can afford and he always has to show off. Todd brought a beef and bean casserole with a spicy (and tasty) Rotel cheese dip and Fritos Scoops…Of course he also brought his annoying girlfriend who got drunk and puked on the living room rug.
Sadly, I couldn’t prepare a dish because I don’t have any money left since I have to give it all to you for rent.
Anyway, we gave some of the mulligatawny and the Rotel cheese dip to the neighbor’s dog and I suppose it was so spicy that the dog just went crazy; he began running in circles trying to find some water and ran into the road where he was hit by a Fed-X truck.
The dog is gonna be okay but the neighbor said something to the effect that he planned to have a conversation with you.
I can’t remember exactly how he worded it because he was yelling and saying a bunch of dirty words and I was fairly drunk.
Anywhooo...I guess I’ll see you tomorrow so you can take all of my money. BTW, I’ve attached a picture of the front gate…Do you know who these belong to??
There are some instances where a personal visit, rather than a letter, is unavoidable…the DMV license renewal notice being a prime example.
I absolutely HATE my driver’s license picture. I would be happy to pay extra if they’d hire Olan Mills or Glamour Shots to come in and do the shoot.
Sure, I know that they’ll force me to pose with my hand randomly positioned on my chin so that I look like I’m studiously in deep thought about nothing in particular or staring to the distance looking at absolutely nothing; at least I won’t look like a suspected pedophile in a police lineup.
When I went in for my license picture recently I politely asked if they could use a soft lens and aim a box-fan toward me so that I might look like I’m walking down the beach. They axed that idea so then I asked if I needed to disrobe.
For the record, it took forever getting my picture snapped because, as I announced to the photographer, I simply needed to know my “motivation” so that I could strike the appropriate pose.
The state trooper was quite helpful in explaining my “motivation” and we snapped the picture.
By the way, the state trooper was quite an effective communicator.
And, once again, I'm stuck with a pic which makes me look like I should be driving a windowless van near the school playground for a few more years.
I get “E-Vites” all the time and it still amazes me that we live in an age where one can send invitations instantly and effortlessly. Actually it amazes me more so that I still receive invitations to events.
There’s a lot of pressure associated with being the recipient of the E-vite…especially in responding. Typically, you have limited reply avenues:
Will you be attending Julie and Tim’s housewarming party?
Yes
No
Maybe
The correct answer is always “NO”
“Maybe” indicates that you’re stalling for time in order to come up with a believable excuse not to attend...so it’s ultimately a wishy-washy "Soft NO.” **
**(Note: Professional politicians covet the word "maybe")
I usually just ignore the e-vite and, after a few weeks pass, tell the person that I just now got email access back since my house burned down and then I send them a toaster oven.
One final piece of unfinished business online in the correspondence department which involves my ongoing torture of Mike "The Editor."
Welcome to Hookup.com a place where millions of singles & swingers are at your fingertips. Meet real people with verified contact info near New Orleans. Share sexy pics, explore erotic fantasies and have a hookup RIGHT NOW using our live video webcam chat. Get laid today!!!
Member- Anastasia694u has sent you a message: Hey Mike…I saw where you live nearby, can you send me a pic and details?? Your profile just listed your location and age.
Member- Bi Mike469: Hey Anastasia. I live Uptown and am hot, horney and ready to please!!! Mmmm!
I’m an editor for a small publishing house plus I write speeches for a very important state official so I’m real discreet.
Btw...It’s okay for you to contact me at work (at the number in my profile) because I trust you.
I’m looking for a bondage encounter between me, my girlfriend (Emily) you and, possibly, a guy named Kevin.
Kevin is my assistant editor who has an abnormal attraction to 1970's television action series black actresses. Do you own an afro-wig by chance?
BTW, Emily will probably answer the phone at the number in my profile, but it’s perfectly okay for you to tell her who you are. Don't worry if she acts surprised and begins to yell...she's got an anger fetish.
Anyway…I’ve attached a photo per your request…I had a self portrait sketched on Navy Pier last year on my trip to Chicago. Talk to you soon. Also, you can reach me on my personal cell.(that's the second number in my profile)
Mike should have his hands full for a while now so maybe he'll leave me alone.
There are many forms of written communication-- email, text, Facebook, Twitter, blah blah blah.
Call me silly if you will...but my favorite form of communication still involves pen, paper and a blank canvas...
OH NO!!!!!!!!!!
copyright Pontchartrain Press 2010
Author's note: Thanks to everyone who has read this crap from week to week. Your emails and in-person comments have been an inspiration...more than you know.
I shall stop short of hugging you...unless you have very large breasts and promise to press them against me.
Now go email bomb my friend Craig! Tell him that you saw his profile on Craigslist "casual encounters" swinger section and that you want to see him in his tight, outdated "nut-shorts."
It'll be fun and will, hopefully, embarass him to the point that he'll STOP wearing them in public. hehehe
It stirs memories of when the neighborhood association asked if I’d like to join their board. This pretty much speaks to their lenient member acceptance policy and it might explain why our neighborhood association didn‘t accomplish much.
Those meetings were incredibly boring. All they did was sit around griping about some guy who never mowed his yard or some redneck who erected a wagon wheel mailbox.
Honestly, I felt that Jameson on the rocks would make these meetings far more interesting. They held a different opinion which, I think, makes them fairly closed minded. So…I took my whiskey and went home.
I always seem to cause trouble via the written form of social communication, thus the primary reason why I dislike sending letters, responding to emails and generally responding to any message…people tend to misread them.
I’m especially bad at communicating via text messages.
It's virtually impossible to communicate nuances and inflection via text message since space is limited. C'mon, I need a canvas to effectively paint a picture…HOW can people expect me to work well under such a creativity stifling cloud??? OMG!!
My friend Amanda is a writer and a very effective and brilliant communicator. She also has gigantic breasts. I'm not sure how that last fact is relevant to this story...but it just came to mind
However, since I’ve known her, she tends to take things personally and then ends up thinking that people are always mad at her.
If you ask me, I think that she was probably beaten with sticks by the other children when she was younger.
Amanda: Hey…u watchin’ the game 2nite at the pub??
Me: Yep
Amanda: What’s wrong : ( Ru mad @me???
Me: uh…no.
Amanda: U seemed short w/ur txt
Me: Oh, sorry, was just answering your question but I foolishly overlooked the real question behind the question. I meant that I fully intend to watch the match between the Saints of New Orleans and the Patriots who hail from an area which can only be described as our great nation’s cradle of liberty…the majestic land of New England.
Of course, as history notes, some residents of early New England were sociopaths but they knew how to throw a party.
BTW, Today I found myself wishing that they‘d bring back burning people at the stake as a means of punishment.
Anyway, I very much look forward to the game; but not as much as I greatly anticipate seeing your radiant smile and crystal bright blue eyes. Even the most beautiful Shakespearean sonnet pales by comparison to the magnificence which lights up a room simply by your very presence.
I would text message my favorite sonnet but I don’t really want to send 14 txts since I’m almost over my limit and AT & T charges about $750.00 per txt after that.
I hope that we can hold each other tight throughout the entire game tonight, as though we’re exchanging body heat to survive sub-zero temperatures on an Andean mountainside after a terrible plane crash.
We’ll only release our embrace long enough to take a sip of beer here and there. By the way, if we WERE stranded on an Andean mountainside, I promise that I would NEVER entertain the thought of killing and eating your body in order to survive.
It was quite negligent of me to answer your previous question with such a flippant and angry txt such as “yep.” What time do you plan to arrive at the pub?? And, will you be topless? Xoxo
Amanda: 6pm...Smartass
Me: R U mad at me?
 |
| This is Amanda. I love to sit across from her and write...all day long! |
I finally checked my email this week. I usually check it every 5 or 6 months just to stay on top of things.
I made the mistake of signing up for CNN email alerts…I’m not quite sure why I thought that was a good idea since I have about a thousand emails promoting topics being covered on the Nancy Grace Show.
Nancy Grace reminds me of that crazy aunt that comes over for Christmas dinner…even if it’s not Christmas.
My friend Craig is cool and I like to hang out with him at the pub because it reminds me that I would make a far better liver donor than he.
I haven’t seen Craig in a while, which prompted him to send me an email.
From: Craig craig248@gmail.com
To: Jim pontchartrainpress@gmail.com
Date: 12 August 2010
Subj:: Whatup??
Havent seen u out in a while...gonna get out later or r u just gonna be lazy 2nite and sit around?
From: Jim pontchartrainpress@gmail.com
To: Craig craig248@gmail.com
Date: 26 August 2010
Re: re: Whatup??
Whew!! Sorry for the delay in getting back with you Craig.
Actually I did not, in fact, get out on 12 August nor was I being lazy.
Me and Pete, the guy who got drunk and went to the bathroom on your couch last year, have been constructing a hot air balloon made from Hefty® 4-ply trash bags.
The neighbor’s kid on South Cortez Street is having a birthday party and we’re gonna surprise the kids by flying overhead and drop Mike & Ike® candies from above. I stole them from the radio station.
I didn’t feel bad about taking them since my boss was a ginormous tool-box…plus they’ve been giving them out to children since that Halloween promotion from 4-years ago.
I don’t think Mike & Ike’s® go bad though since no one is really sure what they’re made of. Kind of like Cher©
Pete thinks we should go to Rouse’s and buy a bunch of Sushi instead since it would be healthier for the kids.
He always gets the California Rolls and we argue all the time about it because everyone knows that a California Roll is not really sushi as much as a ”prop” to make people who are scared of sushi to look “hip“…even though they look like an alcoholic suffering from DT‘s trying to use chopsticks.
By the way that reminds me, Pete is drinking heavily again.
To make a long story short...I’ve never understood the concept of imitation crab in the California Roll. I once asked an imitation crab fisherman and he explained that it’s cheaper and safer to consume for those with shellfish allergies.
I thanked him for the explanation and then I poked him with a stick-pin and he deflated and I folded him up and handed him over to his imitation crab fisherman first mate.
Most people are scared of eating raw fish…not me. Unless it’s a Stonefish.
Pete suggested that we should check prices on Stonefish because it has a cool name and might better impress the kids, until I explained to him that they have potent neurotoxins secreted from glands at the base of their needle-like dorsal fin spines which stick up when disturbed or threatened and that they are the world’s deadliest species of fish.
Pete just stared at me for a moment and agreed that Mike & Ike’s® would be a safer bet.
Soooo…to make a longer story shorter, what are you doing Friday? Wanna get out and kick-it??
Craig usually nervously laughs at my silliness and pretends that I'm normal, which is good, because he's about 4-times my size and looks like a WWE wrestler and could kill me with his thumbnail.
Earlier this year I found an email from my buddy Jeff, who also happens to be fortunate enough to be my landlord. I say fortunate because, as opposed to his other tenants, he only has to remind me 7 or 8 times that my rent is due.
From: Jeff Jeffery69@yahoo.com
To: Jim Pontchartrainpress@gmail.com
Date: 12 April 2010
Subj: WTF???
VERY FUNNY putting my name on the Justin Bieber email fan list!! Hahahaha.
Hey, I’m gonna be over from the Northshore 2mrrw…you think you can meet me so I can get the rent? Or just leave it in the top cabinet outside the laundry room?? It’s only 12 days late dude. Lemme know ASAP.
From: Jim Pontchartrainpress@gmail.com
To: Jeff Jeffery69@yahoo.com
Date: 12 April 2010
Subj: re:WTF???
Sorry I’m late…I completely forgot the date for rent.
I tend to block things out of my mind on or about the 1st of each month because, as you know, I was married in 1999.
On the surface that doesn’t appear to have anything to do with the 1st of the month, so I'll quickly explain.
One of my ex-wife’s favorite songs was from Bones Thugs -n- Harmony, which should have been my first warning sign.
At any rate, the song “First of tha Month” was widely popular about the time we got married.
We had a very nice marriage but, as these things sometimes go, we grew apart. I suppose I feel a certain sense of failure for not being able to save the marriage so the Bones/Thugs song reminds me of a period that I‘m trying to block from my mind..which, unfortunately, coincides with rent due date.
I also try to block the period around each Flag Day from my mind, which centers around a story about my friend Kenny (he's no longer with us) but that's a reeeal long story.
BTW, did you know that the title of the Bones/Thugs song specifically references waiting on line at the welfare office? I always enjoyed watching VH1’s “Pop Up Video” didn’t you?
I’ll leave the rent check in the box outside the laundry room. Heads-up…The next door neighbor is probably going to want to talk with you.
My buddies Todd and Ed came over yesterday afternoon to watch a baseball game. Everyone always brings something to eat and Ed brought Mulligatawny soup.
Ed is a chef at a snobby restaurant that none of us can afford and he always has to show off. Todd brought a beef and bean casserole with a spicy (and tasty) Rotel cheese dip and Fritos Scoops…Of course he also brought his annoying girlfriend who got drunk and puked on the living room rug.
Sadly, I couldn’t prepare a dish because I don’t have any money left since I have to give it all to you for rent.
Anyway, we gave some of the mulligatawny and the Rotel cheese dip to the neighbor’s dog and I suppose it was so spicy that the dog just went crazy; he began running in circles trying to find some water and ran into the road where he was hit by a Fed-X truck.
The dog is gonna be okay but the neighbor said something to the effect that he planned to have a conversation with you.
I can’t remember exactly how he worded it because he was yelling and saying a bunch of dirty words and I was fairly drunk.
Anywhooo...I guess I’ll see you tomorrow so you can take all of my money. BTW, I’ve attached a picture of the front gate…Do you know who these belong to??
There are some instances where a personal visit, rather than a letter, is unavoidable…the DMV license renewal notice being a prime example.
I absolutely HATE my driver’s license picture. I would be happy to pay extra if they’d hire Olan Mills or Glamour Shots to come in and do the shoot.
Sure, I know that they’ll force me to pose with my hand randomly positioned on my chin so that I look like I’m studiously in deep thought about nothing in particular or staring to the distance looking at absolutely nothing; at least I won’t look like a suspected pedophile in a police lineup.
When I went in for my license picture recently I politely asked if they could use a soft lens and aim a box-fan toward me so that I might look like I’m walking down the beach. They axed that idea so then I asked if I needed to disrobe.
For the record, it took forever getting my picture snapped because, as I announced to the photographer, I simply needed to know my “motivation” so that I could strike the appropriate pose.
The state trooper was quite helpful in explaining my “motivation” and we snapped the picture.
By the way, the state trooper was quite an effective communicator.
And, once again, I'm stuck with a pic which makes me look like I should be driving a windowless van near the school playground for a few more years.
I get “E-Vites” all the time and it still amazes me that we live in an age where one can send invitations instantly and effortlessly. Actually it amazes me more so that I still receive invitations to events.
There’s a lot of pressure associated with being the recipient of the E-vite…especially in responding. Typically, you have limited reply avenues:
Will you be attending Julie and Tim’s housewarming party?
Yes
No
Maybe
The correct answer is always “NO”
“Maybe” indicates that you’re stalling for time in order to come up with a believable excuse not to attend...so it’s ultimately a wishy-washy "Soft NO.” **
**(Note: Professional politicians covet the word "maybe")
I usually just ignore the e-vite and, after a few weeks pass, tell the person that I just now got email access back since my house burned down and then I send them a toaster oven.
One final piece of unfinished business online in the correspondence department which involves my ongoing torture of Mike "The Editor."
Welcome to Hookup.com a place where millions of singles & swingers are at your fingertips. Meet real people with verified contact info near New Orleans. Share sexy pics, explore erotic fantasies and have a hookup RIGHT NOW using our live video webcam chat. Get laid today!!!
Member- Anastasia694u has sent you a message: Hey Mike…I saw where you live nearby, can you send me a pic and details?? Your profile just listed your location and age.
Member- Bi Mike469: Hey Anastasia. I live Uptown and am hot, horney and ready to please!!! Mmmm!
I’m an editor for a small publishing house plus I write speeches for a very important state official so I’m real discreet.
Btw...It’s okay for you to contact me at work (at the number in my profile) because I trust you.
I’m looking for a bondage encounter between me, my girlfriend (Emily) you and, possibly, a guy named Kevin.
Kevin is my assistant editor who has an abnormal attraction to 1970's television action series black actresses. Do you own an afro-wig by chance?
BTW, Emily will probably answer the phone at the number in my profile, but it’s perfectly okay for you to tell her who you are. Don't worry if she acts surprised and begins to yell...she's got an anger fetish.
Anyway…I’ve attached a photo per your request…I had a self portrait sketched on Navy Pier last year on my trip to Chicago. Talk to you soon. Also, you can reach me on my personal cell.(that's the second number in my profile)
Mike should have his hands full for a while now so maybe he'll leave me alone.
There are many forms of written communication-- email, text, Facebook, Twitter, blah blah blah.
Call me silly if you will...but my favorite form of communication still involves pen, paper and a blank canvas...
OH NO!!!!!!!!!!
copyright Pontchartrain Press 2010
Author's note: Thanks to everyone who has read this crap from week to week. Your emails and in-person comments have been an inspiration...more than you know.
I shall stop short of hugging you...unless you have very large breasts and promise to press them against me.
Now go email bomb my friend Craig! Tell him that you saw his profile on Craigslist "casual encounters" swinger section and that you want to see him in his tight, outdated "nut-shorts."
It'll be fun and will, hopefully, embarass him to the point that he'll STOP wearing them in public. hehehe
Sunday, August 22, 2010
On My Way To The Forum(s)
When Al Gore invented the internet I’ll bet he NEVER thought it would be as big as it is.
I like the Internet. You can find answers to every single question imaginable…anytime, anywhere. Plus, there’s lots of dirty pictures AND one can find a hook-up on Craig's List while saving some Nigerian exile who has inherited a billion dollars and all he needs for you to do is to provide your bank account number. Simple enough.
I especially take comfort in knowing that there are thousands of forums and message boards out there…There's virtually something for everybody.
Whether you're craving fun stuff, games, self help or someone to simply lend a sympathetic ear, it's all available within the click of a mouse.
I’ve never visited forums or message boards before…until last week. I made lots of lifelong friends and mine was an experience that I shall treasure forever. Behold...my week-long adventure in cyberspace...
GENERAL CHAT BOARD YAHOO
User Frankie: How do I post a humor entry?
User Frankie: (I have no clue how.)
User Jim: Directions for posting a humor entry…
1. Post a query on the humor message board asking "How do I post a humor entry?"
2. Then subtitle query with "I have no clue how."
3. Hit "post/reply button" then pause for hysterical laughter!!!!
I sometimes can’t figure out how to do things, such as blink my eyes or go to the bathroom.
One time I forgot to breathe, which was quite frightening due to the fact that I was in a WiFi dead spot and couldn’t get on the Internet to post on a forum “How do I begin to breathe again?”
I would have subtitled my query “I have no clue how…Pleeeease hurry”
Fortunately I suddenly remembered how to breathe again and everything was okay, relatively speaking.
It just occurred to me…was your post actually an abstract joke??? If so I must say it’s quite brilliant now that I think about it.
Would you like to go out on a date sometime? I’m not a huge conversationalist, as I’m a bit shy.
However, I’m lots of fun in bed because I am triple jointed and can contort my body like a ceiling mounted garage pulley.
You should skip the message boards and go straight to Google and type in “Ceiling mounted garage pulley” and then just picture my face on it and you can get a pretty good idea of what I can do. I’ve attached a picture of myself though.
This seems to be a site dedicated to those who think that they might be pregnant or simply aren't sure of the signs.
If you find yourself in this dire situation, I recommend going to this board FIRST, before going on the "Who's My Baby Daddy?" chat site.
I'm impressed by how quickly they got back with me on my question. BTW, I used a female name, what with being a man and all I didn't want to irritate anyone or make them uncomfortable. I chose the name of my ex girlfriend, Felicia...primarily because the name NOLAbar Ho was taken...
User Felicia: First of all, I want to say that I'm fully aware that when a woman has her period it is usually a sign that she is not pregnant. However, my last period (which started on the 22nd of July) started 2 days earlier than usual and was a little lighter, then it was heavy and has now lasted for longer than usual. As of today, I’d say 450 to 500 days.
User Annette: OMG! Go to the doctor!!
User Felicia: I’m scared of doctors so I really don’t want to go for a visit. Actually I’m scared of babies too, especially the really ugly ones that people make you look at when they show you pictures while you’re out trying to just have a good time on the town with friends. Then you have to pretend and say nice things like “Oh, she is really…adorable. Where did you get her?”
Now that I think about it, I’m scared of my boyfriend too. He’s been having a tough time at work at the pool cue factory and they’ve been laying a bunch of people off lately so he comes home in a bad mood. I get really scared now when people bring a pool cue anywhere near me, especially when they raise it in the air and talk loudly. I’m on another message board trying to tackle that issue.
I’ve been feeling nauseous but just wrote it off as a bug…or that maybe it was from looking at pictures of my best friend‘s really horrendously ugly kid, but my boyfriend hadn't been feeling that way and he told me to stop asking annoying questions or else he would go get the pool cue. That’s why I turned to the Maybe Mommy message board.
In addition to the nausea, I've had a couple small dizzy spells, mostly when I move from one place to another a little too quickly but I figured it was due to the 6 tequila shots.
I've also had some lower back pain, my breasts have been extra sensitive and I have been very tired. The extra sensitive breast thing has been kind of nice by the way.
I didn't become concerned until I saw that my belly was starting to protrude a bit further out than normal.
I thought it might be because I ate a lot at the Pizza Hut all you can eat buffet last night but I asked the boyfriend to look at my belly to confirm that I wasn't crazy. He verified that I AM crazy but he also confirmed that my belly looked funnier than usual...and then he punched it like a punching bag real hard.
When I started to Google my symptoms (minus the breasts, which I attributed to the fact that me and my boyfriend have a lot of rough sex and our cat, Pookie, bites my nipples in the middle of the night for some reason) Anyhoo, one of the first things that came up was pregnancy…which made me poo poo in my pants.
Also I am SOOOOO gassy. I'm not normally gassy at all, apart from the usual! (I can do a little trick by making myself fart anytime I want. That’s how me and my boyfriend met…it still makes him laugh. His dad used to like it also, but he's dead now...looong story about that).
Sorry for the length. I wanted to be thorough. Any suggestions?
Forum Moderator Christine: I strongly suggest that you move along to another forum site.
User Felicia: Okay. Thanks for getting back with me. Do you know a good site that might be able to answer my question?
OPEN DIARY.COM (General Discussion)
Moderator: Which jokes do you prefer? Blonde, female, Yo Mama, religion, Rude
User Jim Replies: I like jokes about all of the above on the list.
Specifically, the one about the blonde who ran into the room...she literally ran into the room, crashing her car thru the wall due to the fact that she was performing oral sex, WHILE DRIVING- thus, knocking her unconscious (which greatly improved her IQ by 140%)
She didn't reach the 150% IQ mark because she is quite religious and used 10% as a tithe to the church.
She showcases her strict religious dedication by invoking God's name regularly in the back seat of a worn out, non humorous blonde woman joke and can often be heard screaming...
"Oh God, OH GOD, OOOOOH GOD!!!!"
A lesson she learned from her fat mother. Her mama was so fat that there's not enough room in this joke to finish so I shall pause here to kill a small kitten while I sing a tune from My Fair Lady.
Now that I think about it, I suppose the only type of humor I dislike is rude humor. Oh, and jokes about people who were born without elbows. The elbow thing hits a little too close to home for my comfort level.
Also I don't like cucumbers. I'm actually terrified of them...but that story is probably best suited for the vegetable message board and, sadly, the "Why I hated my creepy uncle Leonard" message board.
OVER EATERS HELP FORUM
I made a nice friend in my encounter with the forum moderator. I like her a lot and may go visit her sometime for coffee
Tons of Fun asks: I’m absolutely terrified right now, I am on one long non stop binge. (On day 2,472 of it now) Every day I wake up and try not to eat an extra large Price Destroyer triple meat combo pizza from Domino’s but I JUST CAN’T HELP MYSELF!!!!
I try to do something a bit differently to break the cycle, so this morning I spread a container of cream cheese on my loaf of toasted bread instead of butter and a extra thick cut fried pork chop.**
**I just realized that I should have typed “AN extra thick” rather than “A extra thick.” I was sooooo hungry that I ate the letter “N.”
I’ve stopped going to the all you can eat buffets and just order three entrees from the menu. This seems to be working. And I’m TOTALLY skipping dessert…today.
My roommates really made me angry recently because the cat seems to have gone missing and they’re asking me insinuating questions about where it might be.
I asked “Exactly WHAT are you accusing me of?????” They think that I ATE little Tinkerbell!! I’m moving out soon because I feel that this was unacceptable behavior from my roommates.
By the way, it’s been 5-weeks since we’ve seen Tinkerbell so I figured it would be terrible to let the cat food go to waste.
Tomorrow I am going to start trying to eat sensible and have a balanced breakfast…do you think this will help?
The thing is it's not really about physical hunger for me, it just dominates my thoughts. Sometimes when I’m talking to a co-worker or a friend, I visualize them as a gigantic side of beef tenderloin which keeps taunting me by saying “Eat me…EAT ME!!!!” And then I end up hating myself and eat an entire box of Count Chocula cereal with chocolate milk. HHHHHEEEEELLLLLPPPPP.
System Moderator: You obviously have problems. I think that you should use your time reading about the problems (physical and mental) which plague overeaters rather than get online and say mean things.
You really sicken me with your post and I’m only going to give you one warning and then I’m tossing you off the board.
Tons of Fun: You seem irritable. Are you hungry?
System Moderator: Congrats! You just got banned jerk!
DYSLEXIA SELF HELP CHAT
I met Michael on this board...he was a really cool guy
User Partick: My name is Patrick. I just realized that my name is misspelled on my profile, but I can't figure out HOW to fix it!!!
Anyway, I’ve been coping for a long time with my eyesight. I invert letters all the time and sometimes objects. It comes and goes but it’s reaylly been hurting my grades in scoohl. What can I do about ti????
User Michael: Guess what? Youre a fucking asshole.
User Partick: Michael, I’m distraught that you think so poorly of me as we haven’t even met. I’m tryign to find help here and don’t know where to turn as I want my grades to improve so I won’t have to work forever at the grease trap cleaning company.
BWT, I mean, BTW, I’ll bet, with dyslexia, you have a real hard time spelling your name with “Michael” having the weird inverted spelling and all.
I always thought that the A before E thing was just weird. I mean, you can spell it by leaving one of the letters off, even though it would look a little funny.
Maybe you could spell it Mikhull or maybe Meykull. If it were me, I'd just spell it “Mike”...either way, people would still get the gist of your name. I bet your parents were mean, which really makes me feel sad.
User Michael: I feel sad for you. You definitley have problems.
User Partick: Mike, Mike Mike. We both may have dyslexia, but that's why we have to work harder than other people in the spelling department so as not ot draw extra attention. You misspelled "definitely."
I learned how to spell phonetically in first grade as part of a test class. My school building was real old and full of asbestos. We might all die from cancer now but we are above average spellers.
I always enjoyed going to skool as a kid. How bout you Mike??
User Michael: Again……. YOU are a fucking asshole!!!
User Partick: Are you mad at me Michael?
User Michael: I wouldn't waste MY time being mad at YOU.
User Partick: Thank you fro using capital letters so that I could better understand that MY refers to YOUR time and YOU actually indicates the source of YOUR frustration...in this case...ME.
User Michael: Your stupid
User Partick: You just confused your with you're...but lots of pepole do that. BTW again, when I wrote “What can I do about TI, it wasn’t a typing error…My brother LOVES TI and plays the CD over and over and over again.
I wish TI would go back to the pureness of his roots from the album "I'm Serious" which made him famous . He sounds over-produced now. How do you feel about this?
User Michael: Go to hell
User Partick: I really wish that we could just make up and be friends again Michael. : ( now I'm really sad
User Michael: Whatever
User Partick: I just thought of something else…technically I AM a f-ing A-hole as you pointed out. As I mentioned earlier, I sometmies invert objects which really upset my ex girlfriend.
I would accidentally stick it in the wrong place because of my eyesight and she screamed because I have a reeeeally big pensi.
User Michael: I’m reporting you to the moderator asshole.
User Partick: Oyka Mike. Have a blessed dya!
SEXUAL ADDICTION SUPPORT FORUMS
I don't really understand the possibility of sex addiction, but I suppose it's real. I was kind of bummed that there weren't more pictures
User Jim: Damn! I’m HORNEY!!!!!
User Lil Cyndee Kims: Very funny. Don’t be a dick dude.
User Jim: Okay. Hey, did you realize that your name is sort of an anagram?? You can spell “Lick Me” with it…and even have superfluous letters remaining.
With extra letters hanging around like that, it technically means that we have enough for a "letter orgy." That makes me incredibly horney.
Btw, I LOVE your profile pic…I’m looking at it right now. Actually, I made it my new wall paper but I cropped it to where it only shows your breasts in the low cut top you're wearing in the pic. You wanna trade pics sometime??
Administrator message: You have been denied further access to this web community. Please see forum rules and guidelines. If you feel that you have received this in error please contact the site administrator.
FACEBOOK (Drive-by)
I decided to end my day safely by catching up with a good friend. What better place than a social ring where you can "Chat" "Like" "Poke" and then de-friend. Sounds like a one-night stand if you ask me.
Rikki: quotes Austin O'Malley:
“Show me a genuine case of platonic friendship, and I shall show you two old or homely faces.”
Jim: Austin O'Malley and I used to write together. I was always led to believe that we were just friends, even though my other friends warned me. I finally realized that he had a secret agenda.
We wrote late into the night and we'd get hungry... so I'd do "friend" things like cook a BLT sandwich with Ore'Ida french fries and Suddenly Salad Tomato & Herb and after we finished eating he would look at me and say "you're a really good platonic friend.”
And then he shoved his hands down the front of my pants and said "A hole is nothing at all, but you can break your neck in it." Which really creeped me out so I called my friend, Allison, to come get me and then she held me while I cried all night...She is a really nice, platonic, friend of mine.
After a full day online it finally occurs to me that I never got to see any dirty pictures. Believe it or not Lil Cyndee Kims sent me an email though!!! Hehehe.
If she’s about to fall off the wagon, I feel that someone needs to be there to catch her- No moderator needed...unless she's into that sort of thing.
copyright Pontchartrain Press 2010
I like the Internet. You can find answers to every single question imaginable…anytime, anywhere. Plus, there’s lots of dirty pictures AND one can find a hook-up on Craig's List while saving some Nigerian exile who has inherited a billion dollars and all he needs for you to do is to provide your bank account number. Simple enough.
I especially take comfort in knowing that there are thousands of forums and message boards out there…There's virtually something for everybody.
Whether you're craving fun stuff, games, self help or someone to simply lend a sympathetic ear, it's all available within the click of a mouse.
I’ve never visited forums or message boards before…until last week. I made lots of lifelong friends and mine was an experience that I shall treasure forever. Behold...my week-long adventure in cyberspace...
GENERAL CHAT BOARD YAHOO
User Frankie: How do I post a humor entry?
User Frankie: (I have no clue how.)
User Jim: Directions for posting a humor entry…
1. Post a query on the humor message board asking "How do I post a humor entry?"
2. Then subtitle query with "I have no clue how."
3. Hit "post/reply button" then pause for hysterical laughter!!!!
I sometimes can’t figure out how to do things, such as blink my eyes or go to the bathroom.
One time I forgot to breathe, which was quite frightening due to the fact that I was in a WiFi dead spot and couldn’t get on the Internet to post on a forum “How do I begin to breathe again?”
I would have subtitled my query “I have no clue how…Pleeeease hurry”
Fortunately I suddenly remembered how to breathe again and everything was okay, relatively speaking.
It just occurred to me…was your post actually an abstract joke??? If so I must say it’s quite brilliant now that I think about it.
Would you like to go out on a date sometime? I’m not a huge conversationalist, as I’m a bit shy.
However, I’m lots of fun in bed because I am triple jointed and can contort my body like a ceiling mounted garage pulley.
You should skip the message boards and go straight to Google and type in “Ceiling mounted garage pulley” and then just picture my face on it and you can get a pretty good idea of what I can do. I’ve attached a picture of myself though.
Anyway, just let me know if you wanna kick it sometime. I love you Frankie…you‘re funny!!
MAYBE MOMMY FORUM
This seems to be a site dedicated to those who think that they might be pregnant or simply aren't sure of the signs.
If you find yourself in this dire situation, I recommend going to this board FIRST, before going on the "Who's My Baby Daddy?" chat site.
I'm impressed by how quickly they got back with me on my question. BTW, I used a female name, what with being a man and all I didn't want to irritate anyone or make them uncomfortable. I chose the name of my ex girlfriend, Felicia...primarily because the name NOLAbar Ho was taken...
User Felicia: First of all, I want to say that I'm fully aware that when a woman has her period it is usually a sign that she is not pregnant. However, my last period (which started on the 22nd of July) started 2 days earlier than usual and was a little lighter, then it was heavy and has now lasted for longer than usual. As of today, I’d say 450 to 500 days.
User Annette: OMG! Go to the doctor!!
User Felicia: I’m scared of doctors so I really don’t want to go for a visit. Actually I’m scared of babies too, especially the really ugly ones that people make you look at when they show you pictures while you’re out trying to just have a good time on the town with friends. Then you have to pretend and say nice things like “Oh, she is really…adorable. Where did you get her?”
Now that I think about it, I’m scared of my boyfriend too. He’s been having a tough time at work at the pool cue factory and they’ve been laying a bunch of people off lately so he comes home in a bad mood. I get really scared now when people bring a pool cue anywhere near me, especially when they raise it in the air and talk loudly. I’m on another message board trying to tackle that issue.
I’ve been feeling nauseous but just wrote it off as a bug…or that maybe it was from looking at pictures of my best friend‘s really horrendously ugly kid, but my boyfriend hadn't been feeling that way and he told me to stop asking annoying questions or else he would go get the pool cue. That’s why I turned to the Maybe Mommy message board.
In addition to the nausea, I've had a couple small dizzy spells, mostly when I move from one place to another a little too quickly but I figured it was due to the 6 tequila shots.
I've also had some lower back pain, my breasts have been extra sensitive and I have been very tired. The extra sensitive breast thing has been kind of nice by the way.
I didn't become concerned until I saw that my belly was starting to protrude a bit further out than normal.
I thought it might be because I ate a lot at the Pizza Hut all you can eat buffet last night but I asked the boyfriend to look at my belly to confirm that I wasn't crazy. He verified that I AM crazy but he also confirmed that my belly looked funnier than usual...and then he punched it like a punching bag real hard.
When I started to Google my symptoms (minus the breasts, which I attributed to the fact that me and my boyfriend have a lot of rough sex and our cat, Pookie, bites my nipples in the middle of the night for some reason) Anyhoo, one of the first things that came up was pregnancy…which made me poo poo in my pants.
Also I am SOOOOO gassy. I'm not normally gassy at all, apart from the usual! (I can do a little trick by making myself fart anytime I want. That’s how me and my boyfriend met…it still makes him laugh. His dad used to like it also, but he's dead now...looong story about that).
Sorry for the length. I wanted to be thorough. Any suggestions?
Forum Moderator Christine: I strongly suggest that you move along to another forum site.
User Felicia: Okay. Thanks for getting back with me. Do you know a good site that might be able to answer my question?
OPEN DIARY.COM (General Discussion)
Moderator: Which jokes do you prefer? Blonde, female, Yo Mama, religion, Rude
User Jim Replies: I like jokes about all of the above on the list.
Specifically, the one about the blonde who ran into the room...she literally ran into the room, crashing her car thru the wall due to the fact that she was performing oral sex, WHILE DRIVING- thus, knocking her unconscious (which greatly improved her IQ by 140%)
She didn't reach the 150% IQ mark because she is quite religious and used 10% as a tithe to the church.
She showcases her strict religious dedication by invoking God's name regularly in the back seat of a worn out, non humorous blonde woman joke and can often be heard screaming...
"Oh God, OH GOD, OOOOOH GOD!!!!"
A lesson she learned from her fat mother. Her mama was so fat that there's not enough room in this joke to finish so I shall pause here to kill a small kitten while I sing a tune from My Fair Lady.
Now that I think about it, I suppose the only type of humor I dislike is rude humor. Oh, and jokes about people who were born without elbows. The elbow thing hits a little too close to home for my comfort level.
Also I don't like cucumbers. I'm actually terrified of them...but that story is probably best suited for the vegetable message board and, sadly, the "Why I hated my creepy uncle Leonard" message board.
OVER EATERS HELP FORUM
I made a nice friend in my encounter with the forum moderator. I like her a lot and may go visit her sometime for coffee
Tons of Fun asks: I’m absolutely terrified right now, I am on one long non stop binge. (On day 2,472 of it now) Every day I wake up and try not to eat an extra large Price Destroyer triple meat combo pizza from Domino’s but I JUST CAN’T HELP MYSELF!!!!
I try to do something a bit differently to break the cycle, so this morning I spread a container of cream cheese on my loaf of toasted bread instead of butter and a extra thick cut fried pork chop.**
**I just realized that I should have typed “AN extra thick” rather than “A extra thick.” I was sooooo hungry that I ate the letter “N.”
I’ve stopped going to the all you can eat buffets and just order three entrees from the menu. This seems to be working. And I’m TOTALLY skipping dessert…today.
My roommates really made me angry recently because the cat seems to have gone missing and they’re asking me insinuating questions about where it might be.
I asked “Exactly WHAT are you accusing me of?????” They think that I ATE little Tinkerbell!! I’m moving out soon because I feel that this was unacceptable behavior from my roommates.
By the way, it’s been 5-weeks since we’ve seen Tinkerbell so I figured it would be terrible to let the cat food go to waste.
Tomorrow I am going to start trying to eat sensible and have a balanced breakfast…do you think this will help?
The thing is it's not really about physical hunger for me, it just dominates my thoughts. Sometimes when I’m talking to a co-worker or a friend, I visualize them as a gigantic side of beef tenderloin which keeps taunting me by saying “Eat me…EAT ME!!!!” And then I end up hating myself and eat an entire box of Count Chocula cereal with chocolate milk. HHHHHEEEEELLLLLPPPPP.
System Moderator: You obviously have problems. I think that you should use your time reading about the problems (physical and mental) which plague overeaters rather than get online and say mean things.
You really sicken me with your post and I’m only going to give you one warning and then I’m tossing you off the board.
Tons of Fun: You seem irritable. Are you hungry?
System Moderator: Congrats! You just got banned jerk!
DYSLEXIA SELF HELP CHAT
I met Michael on this board...he was a really cool guy
User Partick: My name is Patrick. I just realized that my name is misspelled on my profile, but I can't figure out HOW to fix it!!!
Anyway, I’ve been coping for a long time with my eyesight. I invert letters all the time and sometimes objects. It comes and goes but it’s reaylly been hurting my grades in scoohl. What can I do about ti????
User Michael: Guess what? Youre a fucking asshole.
User Partick: Michael, I’m distraught that you think so poorly of me as we haven’t even met. I’m tryign to find help here and don’t know where to turn as I want my grades to improve so I won’t have to work forever at the grease trap cleaning company.
BWT, I mean, BTW, I’ll bet, with dyslexia, you have a real hard time spelling your name with “Michael” having the weird inverted spelling and all.
I always thought that the A before E thing was just weird. I mean, you can spell it by leaving one of the letters off, even though it would look a little funny.
Maybe you could spell it Mikhull or maybe Meykull. If it were me, I'd just spell it “Mike”...either way, people would still get the gist of your name. I bet your parents were mean, which really makes me feel sad.
User Michael: I feel sad for you. You definitley have problems.
User Partick: Mike, Mike Mike. We both may have dyslexia, but that's why we have to work harder than other people in the spelling department so as not ot draw extra attention. You misspelled "definitely."
I learned how to spell phonetically in first grade as part of a test class. My school building was real old and full of asbestos. We might all die from cancer now but we are above average spellers.
I always enjoyed going to skool as a kid. How bout you Mike??
User Michael: Again……. YOU are a fucking asshole!!!
User Partick: Are you mad at me Michael?
User Michael: I wouldn't waste MY time being mad at YOU.
User Partick: Thank you fro using capital letters so that I could better understand that MY refers to YOUR time and YOU actually indicates the source of YOUR frustration...in this case...ME.
User Michael: Your stupid
User Partick: You just confused your with you're...but lots of pepole do that. BTW again, when I wrote “What can I do about TI, it wasn’t a typing error…My brother LOVES TI and plays the CD over and over and over again.
I wish TI would go back to the pureness of his roots from the album "I'm Serious" which made him famous . He sounds over-produced now. How do you feel about this?
User Michael: Go to hell
User Partick: I really wish that we could just make up and be friends again Michael. : ( now I'm really sad
User Michael: Whatever
User Partick: I just thought of something else…technically I AM a f-ing A-hole as you pointed out. As I mentioned earlier, I sometmies invert objects which really upset my ex girlfriend.
I would accidentally stick it in the wrong place because of my eyesight and she screamed because I have a reeeeally big pensi.
User Michael: I’m reporting you to the moderator asshole.
User Partick: Oyka Mike. Have a blessed dya!
SEXUAL ADDICTION SUPPORT FORUMS
I don't really understand the possibility of sex addiction, but I suppose it's real. I was kind of bummed that there weren't more pictures
User Jim: Damn! I’m HORNEY!!!!!
User Lil Cyndee Kims: Very funny. Don’t be a dick dude.
User Jim: Okay. Hey, did you realize that your name is sort of an anagram?? You can spell “Lick Me” with it…and even have superfluous letters remaining.
With extra letters hanging around like that, it technically means that we have enough for a "letter orgy." That makes me incredibly horney.
Btw, I LOVE your profile pic…I’m looking at it right now. Actually, I made it my new wall paper but I cropped it to where it only shows your breasts in the low cut top you're wearing in the pic. You wanna trade pics sometime??
Administrator message: You have been denied further access to this web community. Please see forum rules and guidelines. If you feel that you have received this in error please contact the site administrator.
FACEBOOK (Drive-by)
I decided to end my day safely by catching up with a good friend. What better place than a social ring where you can "Chat" "Like" "Poke" and then de-friend. Sounds like a one-night stand if you ask me.
Rikki: quotes Austin O'Malley:
“Show me a genuine case of platonic friendship, and I shall show you two old or homely faces.”
Jim: Austin O'Malley and I used to write together. I was always led to believe that we were just friends, even though my other friends warned me. I finally realized that he had a secret agenda.
We wrote late into the night and we'd get hungry... so I'd do "friend" things like cook a BLT sandwich with Ore'Ida french fries and Suddenly Salad Tomato & Herb and after we finished eating he would look at me and say "you're a really good platonic friend.”
And then he shoved his hands down the front of my pants and said "A hole is nothing at all, but you can break your neck in it." Which really creeped me out so I called my friend, Allison, to come get me and then she held me while I cried all night...She is a really nice, platonic, friend of mine.
After a full day online it finally occurs to me that I never got to see any dirty pictures. Believe it or not Lil Cyndee Kims sent me an email though!!! Hehehe.
If she’s about to fall off the wagon, I feel that someone needs to be there to catch her- No moderator needed...unless she's into that sort of thing.
copyright Pontchartrain Press 2010
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