What I Meant To Say Was...

I maintain a file which contains much of my interaction via text, email and instant messages.

Sometimes I look back on them for story ideas, but mainly I figure that keeping such files will make it easier on legal officials when they come for me. It seemed to work smashingly for President Nixon.


Another Blown Deadline:

From: Mike
I know you’ve been off for a week, but your 1st draft of the next piece was due Tuesday


From: Jim
Could you specify which Tuesday?


From: Mike
You know which Tuesday. This past Tuesday.


From: Jim
Your incorrect present-past subjunctive use of the words “This” and “Past” have confused me. Please clarify.


From: Mike
Tuesday, the 5th


From: Jim
Of which month??


From: Mike
October!


From: Jim
Very well. Sorry about that. I’ll have something for you on or about this previous, past Tuesday-week...oh, in the month of October. Sorry for the confusion.


In the meantime, I just ordered a very nice (leather-bound) day-planner for your Christmas present/past/future!!


OPEN WIDE AND SAY Aaaaah:
Admittedly, I have an aversion to doctor visits, which is precisely why I was kidnapped and forced (at gunpoint) to “go for a ride.” I had been avoiding it for a while. Here’s the way it unfolded one afternoon last fall, via text msg:


Amanda:
Um, we’re goin to the doc tmrrw


Me:
Can we go for a late breakfast and then visit the huge thrift store on Jeff Davis Pky also? The savings NEVER stop at the thrift store, don’t you agree?


Amanda:
Yes, and anything else you can think of to put off going to the doc


Me:
I’m actually feeling better. I have a friend who can get me a prescription from Canada.


Amanda:
You’re going to the doc TMRRW!


Me:
Why do you hate Canada?


Amanda:
TOMORROW!


Me:
I need to run a few errands first. Can we make a couple of stops?


Amanda:
I suppose so…where?


Me:
Baton Rouge, Memphis, Pensacola and Houston


Amanda:
Breakfast, doc’s office and, if you behave, the thrift store


Me:
I think I have to help a friend of mine tomorrow actually


Amanda:
With what??


Me:
He’s moving his entire house. The crane is scheduled to arrive @9am.  I suggested he just light the place on fire but he's scared of his insurance adjuster.  Primarily, he's scared of going to prison for insurance fraud.  Actually he's afraid of prison sex.  Not me...as long as it's with the right person.


Amanda:
See you at 9am!


Me:
Do you think Cialis is right for me?


Amanda:
Do you have erectile dysfunction?


Me:
Only when the old lady across the street undresses in front of her window. BTW, if my erection DID last for 7-hours, I would definitely call my doctor...she's smokin' HOT!!!


Amanda:
I’ll see you at 9am.


Me:
I’m really feeling much better. Honest.


HALLOWEEN COSTUME PLANNING
I absolutely hate being invited to Halloween parties, mainly because I don't want to dress up.  I usually show up in regular clothes and, inevitably, someone asks "What are YOU dressed up as??" 

I usually inform them that I'm dressed as someone who wants to be left alone. 

Stephanie
Are you dressing up for Halloween??

JIM
Yes and No

Stephanie
????

JIM
Did your computer key stick on the question mark?????

Stephanie
Very funny…I meant what does it mean that, yes and no, you’re dressing up for Halloween

JIM
I knew what you meant…I just wanted to make you type it…and so, I just won a bet that you would do so.  It's pretty boring here this afternoon.

Stephanie
Glad I could help. How much did you win?

JIM
17-thousand dollars.

Stephanie
Nice! So how are you dressing up and NOT dressing up?

JIM
I’m going nude this year. So I AM and, technically, am NOT dressing up for Halloween.

Stephanie
Seriously?????

JIM
Of course not…I’ll wear shoes. Do you think Doc Martins make my feet look too big?

Stephanie
Funny! What’s the theme of your costume…what are you supposed to be?

JIM
Social misfit…with shoes.

Stephanie
You gonna wear socks?

JIM
Judging by the expected weather forecast, as it relates to the evening temperature, yes…most likely on my private parts.

Stephanie
You gotta take pics!!

JIM
I’m confident that the authorities will have that task covered. Can you bail me out of jail later Sunday evening?

Stephanie
Sure.

WRITING PROOF...POSITIVE???


Rikki
I like the latest writing proof. Very funny stuff.

Jim
Thank you...and now I shall walk away from it and continue tomorrow morning, provided that I don’t find myself brutally murdered before then.

Rikki
Is there a non-brutal way to be killed?

Jim
Depends on who you ask. For instance, if you're reading politically skewed numbers from government crime statistics, brutal crimes are down.  Try telling that to the guy who just got beaten to death with a window washing squeegee in an altercation at the local gas station.

Rikki
How do you know someone just got beaten to death with a squeegee @the gas station?

Jim
Because I asked him to pull forward 2 times at the pump so I could get gas.  I don't ask three times...I take action.

Rikki
I don't know why I even bother asking for your logic.  Are u watching the World Series at Finn's this afternoon?

Jim
Not sure yet. I MAY go downtown in a while…Its nice outside

Rikki
When you texted a minute ago, i was sitting in the gazebo with a book and a butterfly was wistfully flitting around me.

Jim
Did you kill it??? I hope so

Rikki
nah, it was panicking, looking for a way out of the gazebo's netting. i just watched it frantically searching for an exit

Jim
Sounds like my life

Rikki
yes, the metaphor was not lost on me either

The Savings NEVER End!!
I’m lucky to have thoughtful friends, especially when they text to ask if I need anything from one of those super-crazy DEEP discount stores.


From: Leigh
Hey, I’m at Sam’s Club…didn’t you say you needed something the other day?

From: Jim
Indeed…I said I needed to have sex.

From: Leigh
I was thinking more along the line of retail needs

From: Jim
I’ll pay for it.

From: Leigh
LOL. If you think of retail store items, I’ll be here for a little while, just text me.

From: Jim
Yes, I need some Creole mustard…how much is it?

From: Leigh
$2.00 for a small jar.

From: Jim
AMAZING!!! At a price like that, I’ll take 50 of them! HOW DO they do it?? So many low prices and not enough room in my pantry!!

From: Leigh
I’ll get ONE. Hey, they have some pretty cool candles for cheap…you want one??

From: Jim
No, I still have several candles left over from the ritualistic sacrifice. Hey, do you know what works best to remove blood stains from fabric, flooring and counter-tops?

From: Leigh
I’ll check the cleaning aisle. I‘ll stop by on the way home to drop the stuff off.

From: Jim
Excellent. Grab some pop tarts too if the Sam’s Club is running one of their “We’ve gone insane with our prices in order to destroy small business” sales.

Tell Me A Little Bit About Yourself...Ugh!!
 I’m very uneasy about contributing to an autobiographical piece. I never know what to say about myself…at least anything that’s appropriate for print.

Lynn:
I’m working up your bio for the publisher guy and have some questions. Do you think you can behave long enough to answer them?

Jim:
Absolutely. I’m just chillin’ eating some Doritos and bean dip. How DO they make these things SO damn tasty? BTW, Judge Judy is being kind of a bitch today.

Lynn
I need a subject line for the proposal follow up email

Me
Subject line: FREE ORAL SEX!!!

Lynn
please tell me you're kidding and give some real guidance on the subject line…I’m running late

Me
While I think that my previous suggestion would make for a good and effective subject line...let me think of something which would be more acceptable. I’ll do so by keeping my mother in mind as a filter template

Lynn
i need to wrap this email up…hurry

Me
Subject Line: My son has only 5 days to live…PLEASE HELP!!!!

Lynn
Uh…

Me
I like to involve an urgent call to action in a subject line…too strong??

Lynn
Just a little

Lynn
Do something serious, something that will compel him to read it.

Me
Subject Line: There’s a bomb located on the first floor…read further for instructions

Lynn
Yeah, just what we need…do something that doesn’t threaten the guy’s life please?

Me
Subject Line: There is a bomb located in your wife’s car…read further for instructions

Lynn
How about this... Subject Line: Follow Up Email

Me
Brilliant!!! That is a true, compelling work of art!! It is, indeed, both an email AND a follow up message…how did it come to you to place the two together in a subject line?  You're like a Reese's peanut butter cup of the literary world.  Bravo!!!

Lynn
Smartass

Me
Glad I could help. How about this…

Subject Line: Please read this as it took 10-minutes to come up with a subject line

Lynn
I don’t think so. I gotta go to the restroom…brb

Me
Number one or number two?

Love is in the air...and online:
I made a new Internet friend. She emailed me in response to a bogus Craig’s List personal ad that I posted.

Kassie:
You’re cute…So, what is a typical date like with you?

Jim:
I like to dress in a pirate costume that I wore for Halloween when I was 13. Sure, it doesn’t fit…but, it doesn’t fit in the right places if ya’ know what I mean.

I also own a submarine so I like to take my date to the bottom of the lake where we dine on Mrs. Paul's fish sticks and seaweed salad.

After dinner I put in my all time favorite movie, Finding Nemo. Then we retire to the bunk beds (I like to be on top BTW.) Then, ideally, we sing the entire soundtrack to the little Mermaid.

Kassie:
Uh, ok…that sounds interesting. What exactly do you DO for a living. Just curious.

Jim:
I’m a roller coaster operator at Disney World.

Kassie:
Oh, you live in Orlando?

Jim:
No. I would never live in Florida, I’m scared of sand…and retired people.

I’ve been using my spare time working on a master plan to overthrow the Neighborhood Association because I'm much too lazy to overthrow a government. Besides, in overthrowing a government, genocide is just too messy for me.

BTW, since I’m on several law enforcement watch-lists, you would be perfectly safe with me at all times. Plus, my therapist thinks a date would do me some good.

Would you like to have dinner soon??

The strands of instant messages, texts and emails go on and on and on…But, I figured I’d close with a few birthday sentiments.

Anyone who knows me well is aware of my deep desire to write greeting cards for one of the major card companies. Therefore, I practice on my friends so that I might be able to hit the ground running when I get that BIG call from Hallmark:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RIKKI

Greetings!!  Since I happen to know that you’re a voracious reader, and I’m suffering from writer’s block, I was tempted to bang out the traditional “quick hit” (Happy B’Day) sentiments.

After careful consideration, I decided to share a little birthday story about a friend of mine.

We’ll call him Terrence. Primarily, because that’s his real name.

Terrence happens to share the same birthday as you, April 4th! Since I’m reeeally bad with remembering dates, this makes it easy to remember YOUR special day.

Yes indeed, April 4th…The same day in which the world was introduced to the delightfully splendid force which embodies the fortunate existence of Ms. Rikki Gee.

For Terrence, it wasn’t such a happy day at all.

You see, Terrence struggled for money over a better part of his life until, one day, it all turned around when he hit the Deuces Wild poker machine for $1,500 at a Mid City bar.

He employed the financial logic to which many New Orleanians subscribe; he threw caution to the wind by forgoing basic physical and discretionary necessities in life…

Food
Shelter
Children’s school tuition
Water
Dancing With The Stars
Glee

He inserted his entire paycheck into a poker machine.

Upon collecting his unexpected reward, Terrence tipped the bartender and did what anyone who comes into a large sum of money would do…he purchased a hooker at the corner of Tulane and South Cortez Street.

Shanda** and Terrence hit it off quite famously!

**Not her real name-- In the interest of protecting her customers; including an unnamed United States Senator from Louisiana. (Which rhymes with “Twitter’)

Due to some wise investments on Terrence’s part and Shanda’s booming business (She’s really good at what she does…Um, I’ve been told) the happy, entrepreneurial couple lived a comfortable lifestyle.

They decided to reward themselves by taking a long overdue vacation to Venice, Italy for Terrence‘s birthday.

At this point, It’s important to note TWO characteristics about Terrence:

He’s 6-foot 4-inches in height and weighs about 128-pounds.**

**Picture a pool cue with a head, ears and big feet. Oh, and a really dumb looking moustache and eyeglasses.

He also has a wandering eye…especially for ladies in low-cut blouses.

As Terrance and Shanda enjoyed a birthday gondola ride through the serene and romantic waterways of Venice, a lovely young woman caught his eye from the top of a levee.

Sadly, in the absence of his forward attention, Terrence was instantly decapitated by a waterway bridge on this magical day…the date of birth which you both share.

Shanda was horrified as she held Terrence’s severed head in her bloody lap.

She quickly scrambled to the back of the gondola, trying to escape in Jacqueline Kennedy fashion as the row-master frantically tried to pull her back into the boat.

In the tussle, Terrence’s head accidentally dropped to the boat deck and bounced over the edge into the magnificently, mystical Venetian canal where it was immediately eaten by a school of hunger ravaged intra-coastal sea bass.

Since I am a well known animal lover, Terrence had always made it perfectly clear that his beloved weenie dog (Beanie) be remanded to my custody. He also left me his pornographic DVD collection.

In other birthday news, sadly, Beanie passed away this morning at 7am.

He was struck by a Zapp’s Potato Chip delivery truck** as he was doing his business on the corner of South Broad and Canal Street.

**I just LOVE the kettle cooked Cajun BBQ chips! 

Anyway, I’ll let you get back to your celebrations. By the way, I have a real bizarre story to share with you when I see you later this evening.

In the meantime, I bid you sincere wishes for a happy birthday.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY PHILLIP!
Glancing at the calendar on my phone today, I noticed that it’s your special day!!!

Noticing today’s date also triggered thoughts of deep importance that I feel strongly about sharing with you, since you’re a very dear friend…

I need to pay my cable bill.

I must admit, I have a terrible memory when it comes to dates…especially on or about the 1st of each month; a fact which my landlord will readily confirm.

Happily, my new, fancy phone has helped me to remember things a great deal more these days.

My mother and father tried to break me from my calendar mental block, employing such tactics as rubbing my nose in dog poo. This method didn’t help me to remember dates at all, and it is the primary reason that I do not like dogs to this day.

Somehow my next door neighbor, Elizabeth, thought it would be a good idea for me to look after her pet cat, Pookie, while she went on vacation last month.

It’s important to note two things:

1. Elizabeth is aware of my forgetting important dates
2. Elizabeth has incredible breasts

Oh, and Elizabeth’s cat had a medical condition which required a strict schedule of life-saving medication as she recovered from some disease which I cannot pronounce.

Sadly, Pookie has used up her allotment of 9 lives.

I don’t want to spoil your special day so I’ll make a long story short. Plus, there’s a slight legal action pending and I’ve been advised to say as little as possible about the topic.

Anyway, I’m glad that I remembered your birthday and I hope that it is a wonderful day filled with all that you desire; surrounded by friends, family and, hopefully, disease free felines.

By the way, if you try to call me, I’ve lost my phone somewhere this afternoon.

Happy Birthday!

And finally...one more bit of fun with Mike, the editor.  By the way ladies, he's single!  His hobbies include being obtuse, collecting ceramic Asian figurines and line-dancing. 

When he's not busy picking apart those around him, he loves spending long afternoons in the park flying box-kites and generally giving female joggers the creeps.

His favorite foods are Kraft Lunchables and the souls of aspiring writers...and he's an above average domino player.  Hollah!

Mike:
Against my better judgment, I’m sending you an email; I should just post this directly to your Facebook page or blog…since I know it’ll end up there anyway. Can you call me this afternoon please?

Me:
That’s rather presumptive of you. I have no plans to publicly post your emails to the Internet. As far as the phone call, I cant call this afternoon.

Mike:
Why Not??

Me:
I just watched a report on CNN which provided rock solid proof that cell phones are directly tied to brain cancer. I’m scared to use my phone now.

Mike:
Just ONCE, do you think it would be possible to submit a writing draft on time???

Me:
Speaking of cell phones, I want to do a story about AT&T. They’re not raising the bar…they’re lowering the bar as far as I’m concerned. It’s like a virtual limbo contest trying to get a signal anywhere in this town!

Mike:
Stop changing the subject…your drafts are always LATE.

Me:
They’re fashionably late. It’s an endearing quality…according to the cornerstone of numerous “chick flicks.”

Mike:
It’s NOT endearing in the least.

Me:
Tell that to film directors Rob Reiner and Penny Marshall.

Mike:
Yeah? Paris Hilton subscribes to “fashionably late” philosophy, and you can’t stand HER.

Me:
Yes, but she’s a ho. I give ho’s a free pass. Speaking of ho’s, who was that woman I spotted you with in the French Quarter on Friday night???

Mike:
Uh, that was my sister a**hole! She’s visiting from California.

Me:
Can you give her my cell phone number? I would consider ignoring the CNN cell phone/cancer report for her. Not for Paris Hilton though. Please inform your sister that this is a major compliment to her.

Mike:
Can you pleeeeeease submit a draft this week??

Me:
You misspelled please.

Mike:
The next piece is for MONEY. What part of getting paid doesn’t appeal to you??

Me:
I’m independently wealthy. Btw, you tend to overuse the question mark a lot. Are you sure that you’re a legitimate editor??????????????????????

Mike:
Independently wealthy, huh? You borrowed $50 bucks from me on Tuesday!!!

Me:
Which reminds me…can I borrow $30-dollars???????????????????

Mike:
I give up. I’m calling you right now.

Me:
Give me 5-minutes…I need to send your sister a friend request…and I need to post your emails to my Facebook page.  

copyright Pontchartrain Press 2011