The Family Tree Fell In The Forest

I learned from Geneology.com that I most certainly must have been drunk for visiting Genealogy.com.

I also learned that, in ancient times, many marriages were by capture, not choice - due  scarcity of nubile women, men raided other villages for wives.

This sounds like Braveheart mixed with Monday Night Football meets The Bachelor and a snuff film. Tru TV,  please add this program to your lineup!

Frequently the tribe from which a warrior stole a bride would come looking for her, fill out some paperwork I suppose and then it was necessary for these wacky kids to go into hiding to avoid being discovered; Sort of like weapons of mass destruction.

Sounds romantic.

I don't date as I enjoy a sane existence without crazy people but, if I did date, I simply like to go  for dinner, enjoy a nice stroll, maybe a concert and, perhaps, a few drinks- It never occurred to me to resurrect a tradition of tribal warfare on the first date.  I save that for the third date.

According to an old French custom, (and we all know what the French are famous for... obnoxiousness.)

The country of cheese, chain smoking, infidelity and wine asserted that as the moon went through all phases, a new couple must drink a brew called Metheglin (This sounds too close to Meth, which is Sooo Central Florida for my comfort level).

It's a concoction made from honey. Hence, we get the word honeymoon. Also known as it's all downhill from here.

I suspect that I would have been hanged, drawn, quartered and/or burned at the stake during this era.

Again, on MY rare occasion for a date and not necessarily in this order: We eat, have a few drinks, maybe film a pornographic video and I'll open doors for her.

I remember once, in my wilder days, I went on a date and at the end of the evening we happened across a mutual friend.

The three of us chatted for a bit (by chatted, I mean we had five shots of Tequila) and, before sunrise, we found ourselves on a plane,  400-miles away, at the beach in Boca Raton.

Yes, I realize that this sounds like a creepy plotline for a pornographic film.

Perhaps my favorite “date” visual comes from a friend of mine, Leigh. She informed that she once went on a double date and tooled around town in an MG- Even better, they went to a festival in Lower Manhattan and won “The Big Banana.”  Four people in a two-seater with a stuffed, 6-foot banana. I’m not certain what role the banana may or may not have played later in the evening and I didn’t ask.

There are some experiences that one can't receive from e-Harmony.

Even though my expeditions do not involve tribal kidnapping, nor the “Big Banana”- enjoying another’s company, whether it be over dinner, drinks, a multi state killing spree, etc.  I require no formal event title. It can be with a friend or it can be with someone with whom you would greatly like to see naked; No pressures or stigmas attached.

copyright Pontchartrain Press, 2015