Pulling The Wings Off OKCupid...com
One of my dear friends, Marie, who was a writer at Pontchartrain Press and a long time radio friend, had a little too much time on her hands. When she's not binge watching The Voice, she engages in a little small-talk with dumb guys on a popular dating website. She also does this in person which amazes me, in that it doesn't end like an episode of CSI/SVU. And now...Here's Marie's attempt at online dating:
From Marie- I'm writing to test your "replies often" status. And, also, because the site told me to do so. It's because I'm just a sheep that does whatever the Internets tells me to do...Oh, and because the site tells me that you rated me "4 or 5" stars. I didn't realize that my profile could be graded like a restaurant review; now I MUST know: was it 4 or 5? And, why is this site so vague about it? I mean it was EITHER 4 or 5. Why not tell me which?
For the record, I'm sending this message before looking at the torso pic that you (proudly) mention in your profile. I'm putting off viewing your, admitted, douchery until I see if you really DO "reply often".
SkinnyPaleGuy- yes, i really do reply often! i'll admit, sometimes i'm tempted to ignore a few messages just so i can get one of those snobby elitist "very selectively" tags. i bet there are actually women out there who won't date a guy if he doesn't have one of those. like, she thinks "i'm not dating a guy who 'replies often'" ya know? but i just can't bring myself to ignore someone.
as for the rating, i gave you five stars. what i do is, i just go to the "quickmatch" thingy and just keep hitting five stars over and over again without even looking at the pictures or reading anything. it's like casting out a huge dragnet of mass-market dating!
it's actually a pretty effective strategy. i've been fucking like three or four women per day on average
i bet you wonder if i'm kidding or serious lol
From Marie- No, I feel very confident that you're kidding and that your capitalization button is broken. Back to your autobiography, If it were true, you wouldn't have time to "reply often".
SkinnyPaleGuy - well, your confidence is misplaced because i am totally serious lmfao!
and yes, time is my number one enemy. there never seems to be enough of it (or enough condoms
so... wanna have sex?
From Marie - In general, or do you mean with you, specifically?
SkinnyPaleGuy - lmfao! perfect response :D
i like you
From Marie - Thanks. And thanks for pulling your dick out of someone long enough to provide a timely response to an email.
And, for the record, I have a post-slutty-phase philosophy to which I strictly adhere. I don't sleep with anyone I don't like, or who doesn't like me...Or who doesn't respond to emails in a timely fashion. So things are looking good for you.
I'm not trying to be coy or hard-to-get...because I am neither of those things. I'm just wise. Oh, and I have a very complicated schedule-- one which requires thoughtful planning and may interfere with you fucking all of the women, or that one guy from that band you mentioned in your profile.
SkinnyPaleGuy - no pulling out was necessary. this is my "down time," hence why i'm on okcupid in the first place
i can work around a complicated schedule because there is no schedule more complicated than my own. i must warn you, my penis is habit forming
From Marie - Yes, but your personality may be the first step in breaking the addiction. (See how I worked a "dick" reference in there? I'm good with the words if you notice)
SkinnyPaleGuy - what are you talking about? my personality is pure, distilled awesome sauce! i realize now that i should've ignored your message to earn my "very selectively" tag
now go check out my torso pic and see what you cheated yourself out of by being a mean jerk
Marie - I've been known to be a bit TOO snarky in my attempts at witty repartee. Please don't take it personally. I'm sure that you have a lovely penis. Probably the BEST penis of all time.
The "More addictive than heroin, gonna have to get on meth, someone-pull me out of the crack-gutter cause' I'm hooked on his jock most habit forming penis of all time.
Whew!! Seriously. Congratulations on the nice genitals.
Post Script
From Jim Patrick: BRAVO Marie! This is why you're a friend, a extraordinary writer AND a woman with large breasts. He should have seen YOUR torso pic. His loss.
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